News

Our reporter spent the day at Dallas Cowboys training camp in San Antonio. Here are his notes.

> Cowboys coaches say they are happy that Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson separated. They hope it gives Simpson more time to work on her art.

> Players and coaches say they plan to get their Christmas shopping done early this year so they don't have the stress of the holiday season weighing them down in December again.

> The new Cowboys stadium was constructed with a steel-titanium alloy mixed with recycled parts of Jerry Jones' face.

> Longtime safety Roy Williams is gone to the Bengals, meaning Dallas only has one more massively overrated Roy Williams to shed from its payroll.

> I spoke to short yardage back Tashard Choice. He said that if he had his choice, he would not have named himself Tashard.

> With Terrell Owens gone, the Cowboys say their biggest distraction is not being as good as many of their opponents.

So who is really to blame for Rick Pitino's "indiscretion"? Rick Pitino knows: it's those no-good terrorists with their 9/11.

Here is Pitino's quote at his apology press conference: "When 9/11 hit, you needed a community to get you over it. In New York City, it was easy because everybody knew the devastation of that and they got each other over it. In Louisville, the impact wasn't felt like New York City, but I needed this community to help me get over it."

Umm. Okay. Invoking 9/11 after cheating on your wife. Classy.

So, maybe Pitino isn't exactly blaming 9/11 for banging a mom on a restaurant floor (while his assistant slept on the floor nearby), impregnating the woman and then later paying for her abortion. But he is at least saying that this current personal crisis has impacted him almost as much as the Twin Towers falling.

And you wondered what women saw in Rick Pitino. His dong is as big as a skyscraper.

DRAFT: Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Colts — With Marvin Harrison finally out of the picture in Indianapolis, Gonzalez's numbers should be well above last year's totals of 57 receptions for 664 yards and 4 TDs. Granted, Gonzalez is not as explosive as Harrison, but Harrison was an all-time great. Also, he packed imported Belgian firearms. So consider drafting Anthony Gonzalez. Just be prepared to have a player on your team who looks like a giant penis.

Hazeltine, the host of this year's PGA Championship, is a private golf club in Minnesota that has hosted two U.S. Opens and now its second PGA.

What else do we know about this place? Here are some facts about Hazeltine.

Hazeltine is the longest course in major championship history at 7,674 yards. However, when not aroused for a major, the course is a chode-like 4,861 yards.

The shortest par-5 on the course is 572 yards and the three other par-5s are all over 600 yards. Luckily for the players, those long holes are balanced out by two 90-yard par-6s.

Payne Stewart won the last U.S. Open played at Hazeltine in 1991. He died eight years later in a tragic plane crash. I'm just saying: there's a good chance that the winner of this week's tournament will one day DIE. (Duh-duh-DUMMM.)

Hazeltine National Golf Club is located in Chaska, Minnesota. You may know Chaska, Minn. as the home of Hazeltine National Golf Club (presuming you read the previous sentence and you're hobby isn't learning about tiny, boring towns in Minnesota.)

Rich Beem won the 2002 PGA Championship at Hazeltine by one stroke, holding off a hard-charging Tiger Woods who birdied his final four holes. As you probably know, this is the event that began the great Tiger Woods-Rich Beem rivalry that has so riveted golf fans that past seven years.

Hazeltine's signature hole is the brutal par-4 16th. The tee shot on the hole must carry 220 yards over Hazeltine Lake onto a tight fairway that is bordered by a stream. The green is a raised peninsula that funnels wayward shots into the water to the back and to the right. Also, there's a huge f—king dragon in Lake Hazeltine! Run! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

A photo finish in a men's 100-meter semifinal heat at the world championships today not only revealed the winner of the race, but also really highlighted the fact that the winner has an abnormally large nose.

"I've always been conscious of my nose, but having it blown up in profile for the whole world to see was my worst nightmare," said Dwight Martin of Jamaica, who won the race over his countrymen John Gardener with a time of 10.03 seconds. The victory secured the last spot in tomorrow's 100 final.

But despite Martin's embarrassment, race officials said his huge snoz is what gave him the win.

"If he didn't have a freakishly long nose — and I'm talking Pinocchio-like — he wouldn't have won that heat and wouldn't have made the finals," said Larry O'Connor, an IAAF official who reviewed thephotofinish. "It was that beak that broke the finish line first and got him in ahead of Gardener."

Originally published August 12, 2009.

Our reporter spent the day at Cleveland Browns training camp in Berea, Ohio. Here are his notes.

> The Derek Anderson-Brady Quinn quarterback battle is nearing its second full week and a clear winner is beginning to emerge: every team who gets to play the Browns this year.

> Former Browns head coach Romeo Crennel is oddly still in his usual spot at training camp: asleep in a golf cart on the sidelines.

> First round draft pick Alex Mack is adjusting nicely to the size of the NFL ball when snapping it through his legs to the quarterback. Great pick.

> Braylon Edwards keeps trying to run a tip drill every time a ball is thrown his way.

> The scene from the final season of "The Sopranos" where they gawk in amazement at Eric Mangini is to that show what a scene in which Jon Hamm's character stares dumbstruck at the playing abilities of Bob Uecker would be to "Mad Men."

> Kellen Winslow is no longer on the team, but the Browns practice facility is still heavily mined. Use caution if you visit!