"Dan Snyder is well known as a loathsome person and incompetent team owner," said Jeff Snyder, of Peoria, Ill. "Every day he does further damage to the Snyder name. When most people hear the name 'Snyder' now, they think of assholery and failure. Today we say enough is enough."
The petition demands that Snyder officially change his last name within 72 hours, or be slapped with a defamation lawsuit.
"He has done great damage to everyone named Snyder," said Sara Snyder, who owns a flower shop in San Diego. "Even though I live thousands of miles away from Washington, D.C., people regularly ask me if I'm related to that 'prick Dan Snyder.' I know I have lost business because of my name a name that he has ruined."
"My kids are going to love this little fella," said James, feeding Robinson bits of food he grabbed from the post-game, locker room spread. "Look how tiny he is. He's adorable."
James then called his kids and told them he had a surprise for them and that he'd be home soon. He then quickly dressed without showering, picked up his bag with Robinson inside it and exited for the players' parking lot.
"They're going to love playing with him," said a smiling James, on the way out. "I just hope they don't get too attached. I can't keep him. He has a home in Chicago."
"I'm so proud of Nathan," said his mother. "We just did a month-long unit on fighting the sin of pride I decided to do that instead of one on geometry and he really exhibited humility today by not going for 150 on me. He is growing into a fine young man. And I'm sure if he knew geometry he would have acted like a real wiseacre out there today, so I obviously made the right decision."
Lippman says he has been working tirelessly at his game during his daily hour-long gym period his mother schedules for each weekday afternoon, which comes right after a two-hour class on the founding fathers and just before a five-minute science class.
"I was really in a zone," said Lippman. "I don't know how to describe it. I guess it was a combination of factors. Hard work. Prayer. The purity of not being tainted by public schools. I would even say there was a little luck involved, but then I know that luck is the sort of thing that only people who are involved in witchcraft or consumed by the sin of gambling believe in. So scratch luck off the list of factors. Mostly I'd say, though, my point total was due to playing against my mom. Mother stinks at basketball, but she's the only person I can play against other than my nine younger brothers and sisters because I am not allowed contact with children outside of our family."
"I personally know of six columnists working on that story already," said a Yankees media relations staffer. "Three local guys and three national guys. They all asked me individually how Derek is single-handedly willing this team to victory and I told them that he isn't at all. That he isn't even around. That seemed to disappoint them. But I know the columns are still in the works. They'll just pull some stuff out of their asses like always. I bet it's something like 'the standard of excellence he demanded inspires the team even in his absence.'"
At the start of the season, when the Yankees were expected to be awful and then got off to a slow start columnists were racing to publish pieces that made the case that the Yankees simply could not win without Jeter in the lineup. As though his absence alone would bring down the historic franchise. But then they started winning, forcing a different angle.
"It doesn't matter if we went 0-162, 162-0 or 81-81, Derek was going to come out of this smelling like roses," said the media relations staffer. "That's just how it's been for 18 years and nothing will ever change that. I mean, the guy has been surrounded by top talent for the last 12 years, yet he got just one World Series title in that time. Still his 'leadership' and 'winner' credentials remain flawless in the eyes of the media. No doubt he's an all-time great, but this team hasn't missed a beat with Eduardo Nunez and Jayson Nix in his place. So, yeah. Derek's reputation is set for life and nothing will ever change that. Especially not when there are dozens of writers who always count on mailing in 'Derek Jeter is awesome' columns three or four times a season."
"Johnny kicked ass," said Ryan. "I'd play Halo with him any day. A-plus."
By successfully completing a Halo 4 mission, Manziel earns three credits from Texas A&M towards his 12-credit, learn-at-home spring course load. He previously completed his final exams in three other courses: NCAA Football 13, Papa John's Pizza Ordering and an independent research study on the effects of sleeping past 11 a.m. on the human body. His final bit of work for the spring semester is due tomorrow.
"I have to write a 140-character paper on how cool it is to meet famous people," said the quarterback. "I submit it by tweet."
But instead of panicking over the team's Cup dreams fading away, general manager Ray Shero has turned to Pittsburgh's Carnegie Mellon University for help in creating a goalie via the school's 3D printer.
"I'm not willing to sit still and watch this team die," said Shero. "Not after the regular season we had and all the trades we made. Marc simply hasn't done the job and our backup, Tomas Vokoun, is almost 37. He can't be expected to play every game in the playoffs. So creating a real, functioning goalie with a 3D printer was the best option."
Carnegie Mellon engineering professor Dr. Emmett Moncrief handled the job for the Penguins.
"I have actually had the designs of a prototype since last year when Fleury let in every shot against the Flyers," he said. "I knew it would be the same this year. I wasn't surprised when Mr. Shero called."
"We're only into the first week of May and already Derrick has used all of his personal days for 2013," said Trigman. "I had him in my office today to inform him of this. Considering he does not have a doctor's note allowing him to not work, we consider his absences to be personal days. I also informed him of this in writing so it's in his file now."
Rose sustained a knee injury last year, but was cleared by doctors to return to work two months ago. Despite taking part in practices, he has not worked one game night.
"I don't know, I'm just going through some stuff mentally," said Rose. "I was hoping this was the kind of company that would want me to work at 100-percent. I made it clear to the HR lady that I am willing to work from home while I continue to recuperate mentally, but she said there is not a way to play basketball on the couch."
News Thousands to Get Drunk, Put on Stupid Hats and Yell at Little People Riding Around on Horses in Depraved Ritual
"It's as crazy as it sounds," says Debbie McClain, who lives near ground zero of the event, held at a place called Churchill Downs, in Louisville. Maybe craziest of all, a lot of them spend a fortune on it. They put the thing on TV, too, and pretend that it means something important as though they're not just all batshit insane. As though it's not just a bunch of drunk, mentally ill people screaming at midgets riding around on animals. I don't know if it's ever been officially categorized as a cult, but it definitely seems like one to me. Their building even has steeple things on it like a church. Nutjobs."
The strange gathering dates all the way back to 1875. Yet while modernity and societal progress has driven most American freak shows out of business, the "Kentucky Derby" as the attendees call it somehow continues on into the 21st Century.
"Those psychopaths even sacrifice the animals," said another nearby resident. "It's true. If one gets hurt, they blow its brains out. They don't even deny it. I don't know how the whole thing hasn't been shut down. These people are killing animals after riding around on them for their own pleasure. In 2013. I guess if you engage in this level of debauchery, but do it tucked away in a state like Kentucky, the authorities forget about you. It's my only theory."
"The guys have shown they can win without me," said Rose, who tore his ACL more than a year ago and was cleared by doctors to play two months ago. "But I think I can contribute under the right circumstances."
Rose says he talked to Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau this morning and assured him that he will return if the Brooklyn-Chicago series goes to a "Game 8" or if the Bulls reach the "gold medal round of the playoffs."
"I told him: 'Thanks so much, Derrick. Way to step up for the team,'" said Thibodeau. "'No one will think you're a pussy now.' Of course, these are things I have to keep saying publicly. I of course personally think he's being a pussy and don't know if I can ever trust him as a player again. But publicly: 'The Chicago Bulls continue to stand behind Derrick Rose's personal timeline for his return.' Make sure you quote me on that part."
News NBA Requests That All Insults of Carmelo Anthony's Wife be Submitted in Writing Prior to Tip-Off
"I get that opponents want to say horrible things about Carmelo's wife," said Stern. "They have made that abundantly clear. Insulting LaLa has become part of the fabric of this great game. I just request that it be taken care of before the game begins, so we don't have any incidents in the final minutes or postgame when players should be focusing more on basketball and not quite as much on good zingers about Mrs. Anthony."
The Boston Celtics expressed disappointment in Stern's mandate.
"I'll be honest: I know I have almost no shot of winning another ring with the Celtics," said Kevin Garnett. "The only reason I'm still playing is to say stuff to Carmelo about LaLa during games."
Yet minutes after Stern's announcement, the Celtics submitted 78 pages of cruel jokes about Carmelo's wife.
"We have a lot of material," said Celtics guard Jordan Crawford. "We would have sent more, but our printer ran out of ink."