News

PETER HOLTZ

CLAIRTON, NY > Triathlon

Holtz, 44, competed in the Hudson River Triathlon this weekend — his first-ever triathlon — and finished third-to-last. However, the completion of the grueling physical test allowed him to work through some inner demons about his father never loving him or some crap like that. Having to do a triathlon to feel like you are loved is a bit sadistic, yes, but this guy is also going through a midlife crisis. While he is still balding and is still increasingly impotent (something that wasn't helped by all the bike training), he knows he is at least capable of completing a triathlon. So that's a feather in his sad, pathetic cap.

Renowned sports orthopaedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews passed away today while conducting a botched – and quite painful – surgery on the injured shoulder of Dr. James Andrews.

“Unfortunately Dr. Andrews was the only one who could perform these delicate procedures,” said longtime apprentice Dr. Michael McGee. “I learned all I could these past 22 years, but I never could quite get the hang of it.”

Dr. Andrews tore his rotator cuff playing badminton at a family reunion this weekend and, upon an MRI revealing the tear, chose to go under the knife after consulting with himself.

The surgeon attempted the surgery at his Birmingham, Alabama, practice, bypassing anesthesia to keep a steady hand and using a mirror to be able to see the back of his shoulder.

“Dr. Andrews is exquisitely skilled,” said Dr. McGee. “And things were going well – he was biting down on a stick to deal with the pain – but then I dropped the mirror and things went bad.”

Suddenly unable to see the back of his shoulder, Dr. Andrews nicked an artery, began to bleed heavily and then passed out.

“I didn’t know what to do,” said Dr. McGee. “I’ve spent all this time trying to learn how to do all of these fancy surgeries and everything, that I totally forgot basic first aid.”

In a panic and not thinking clearly, Dr. McGee said he tried to perform Tommy John surgery on Andrews’ elbow to fix his mentor’s now gushing shoulder, but that only made the bleeding worse. Within a half hour, the renowned surgeon bled out and died.

“I want to apologize to Dr. Andrews’ family,” said Dr. McGee. “And also to all of the athletes he was going to treat in the future. I guess they will just have to retire now. Like an old Indian chief whose language dies with him, Dr. Andrews’ complicated sports surgeries die with him, too.”

The Buffalo Bills have adopted the no-huddle offense in training camp thanks to the influence of offensive coordinator and noted existentialist Turk Schonert.

"We reject the structure and necessity of a huddle. We will not be defined by it," said Schonert. "We believe in nothingness. We have stripped ourselves of the huddle and we are free. Also, we think the no-huddle will allow us to dictate the pace of the game and put up some points."

Schonert, a former quarterback at Stanford, studied existential thinkers in a philosophy class at the university and says it has impacted his play-calling throughout his career as a coach.

"I have always identified with existentialism," he said. "But there is such an established structure in football, we are so defined by the huddle, that I could never break free of those limitations."

But then something spurred him to take that leap.

"I had to coach JP Losman," he said. "If that doesn't lead you to question the point of a huddle, to question the meaning of life as a whole, there is something wrong."

Head coach Dick Jauron doesn't care about Schonert's philosophical approach to football and life, he just wants to win games.

"I don't know the first thing about exit-whatever Turk talks about," he said. "It all sounds pretty fay to me. I just want to win. I need to win or I'll lose my job. Turk tells me that makes me a utili-something."

But while Schonert espouses the no-huddle, others are not so sure.

"As the German philosopher Herbert Marcuse said, existentialism projects anxiety and meaningless into all aspects of life," said new Bills receiver Terrell Owens. "And Marcuse's criticism was apt. We will be full of anxiety without the huddle, without talking through the play. And I fear this approach will only make Bills football more meaningless. I already didn't really want to play here."

Fantasy football team names have grown stale. Again.

This happens every few years. When fantasy sports first went mainstream, team names were pretty generic. You'd use your name and get something like Jim's All-Stars. Or you'd combine your hometown with your favorite team: The Bridgeport Cowboys.

Once that got old, everyone tried funny. Andy Reid's Love Handles. Ray-Ray's Dance Brigade. Some were funny. Most weren't.

Then funny quickly segued into attempts at being offensive. And that's where we are today. So this season you'll have teams in your league with names like Big Ben's Broken TV and Donte Stallworth's Roadkill. But here's the thing about offensive: it gets tired fast. I mean, when I was 11-years-old and another kid would use the F-word, it would wow me. Now? Not so much.

But where does that leave us? We still need to name our fantasy teams.

It's time for something new. It's time for fantasy team naming to evolve again. It's time we come up with names that will really rattle the other team owners in your league.

As offensive as Donte Stallworth's Roadkill may be, how is that helping you win your fantasy league? Unless Donte Stallworth is in your league and it's putting him off his game, it's not.

You need to rattle the other people in your league. Target the guy you think is your biggest threat to the title and think of a secret you know about him. Or something embarrassing. Then … use it for your team name.

Chances are your 2009 fantasy football team will have a name something like this …

Steve Has Halitosis

Ask Bob About His Pending Bankruptcy

Derek Has Low Sperm Count

Stop Asking Me To Swingers Parties, Jeff

OxyconTIM

Mrs. Thompson: Fat and Infertile

How's Your Gay Son, Will?

1 Ron + 2 Beers = 3 Hours Of Racism

Greg's Wife? Fingered Her In High School

Greg's Mom? Fingered Her In High School

Greg? Fingered Him In High School

No One Wants You In The League, Ray

AVOID: Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles — While an elite fantasy running back when healthy, Westbrook has battled injuries throughout his career. Now at age 30, he suffered a high-ankle sprain at mini-camp and is coming off of arthroscopic knee surgery. Plus, the Eagles drafted Westbrook's eventual replacement: LeSean McCoy. So put a huge question mark beside Westbrook for this season. Because, obviously: his fantasy potential is questionable. But, also — and you may not realize this — the question mark (?) was created to look like it does to visually represent Brian Westbrook's broken legs.

Our reporter spent the day at Houston Texans training camp in Houston. Here are his notes.

> Some 500 fans waited outside the Texans facility yesterday after practice to get player autographs and ask the players if they had any inside hookups for Cowboys tickets.

> Matt Schaub has the starting quarterback job wrapped up, while Dan Orlovsky and Rex Grossman are battling for the third-string job. The backup job has been given to paperwork requesting a forfeit, which will be filed with the league office should Schaub get injured this season and be unable to play.

> Head coach Gary Kubiak is stressing defense in camp and has therefore switched to a hairspray that promises to keep it's hold in rain, wind and extreme humidity.

> Rick Perry, the Republican governor of Texas, has suggested the state could secede. Roger Goodell's wife, Jane Skinner, is an anchor on the Republican cheerleading Fox News. Is this all a plot for Goodell to expand the NFL into a new country?

> Sources say Reggie Bush broke up with Kim Kardashian because Texans defensive end Mario Williams has been doing her this whole time, only much, much better.

> Did you ever notice that the star eye on the Texans logo just makes it look like the steer is dead? Just saying — probably not the best image for a franchise that has never made the playoffs.

Although the baseball playoff races are just starting to heat up and college football season is not set to kickoff for three more weeks and then the NFL regular season a week later, renowned country singer and perpetually impatient football fan Hank Williams, Jr. says he is already ready for some football.

“Are you ready for some football?!” Williams exclaimed. “A Monday night party?”

Williams, Jr.’s close friends and family say he is always ready for some football, but that the month leading up to the season is especially hard for the football-mad singer.

“During the season he can watch football almost every night, yet he still gets pretty excited for each game of football, as we all know too well,” says his wife, Deandra. “And once the season ends, he focuses on his music and accepts that he won’t be spending as much time with his rowdy friends. But by the time August rolls around, well … he wants to get it kick started.”

Williams says it’s time for football now, even if the calendar says otherwise.

“It’s time to get all the hits, the bangs and the blocks,” he said. “It’s the game of the week that’s comin’ your way.”

But while those close to Williams keep reminding him that meaningful football is still a good month from now, he says he reminds everyone he comes across that the sport will be back before we know it.

“So get ready,” he said. “I mean, get ready. Are you ready for some football?!”