I was browsing Craigslist and look at what I found. I think it's a posting from Phillies closer Brad Lidge.
W / RP looking for a save to blow. I want to blow you in a stadium full of people so they can watch. I like when people watch. I will be at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia on the pitcher’s mound this Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night. When it is the ninth inning, I will blow you. I could blow you fast. Or I could draw it out and really make it sloppy. But I will definitely finish blowing you by the end of the inning. Note: this is not just a one time thing. I want to blow you every time I can get on the field as long as my employer still let’s me go out there. Hurry! Their patience for my actions is waning and I want to blow you!
Our reporter spent the day at Philadelphia Eagles training camp in Bethlehem, Penn. Here are his notes.
> Michael Vick had a solid first day of practice with some mixed results. On one broken play, he scrambled and picked up 25 yards. On another, he hit rookie Jeremy Maclin in the hands with a pass, Maclin dropped it and Vick shanked him in the back.
> Donovan McNabb told me that the Vick signing does not make him feel that he is being undercut. Or at least I think that's what he was saying. As he was finishing his sentence, Andy Reid ran over and took him out at the knees.
> The Eagles are shocked by the number of injuries they have suffered and their lack of depth threatens to sabotage their season. How could they know people could get hurt playing football?!
> Head coach Andy Reid is signed through the 2010 season with a team option to fire him whenever they want and replace him with Tony Dungy.
> Seventh round pick Moise Fokou was cut after this exchange with linebackers coach Bill Shuey "Hey, Fow-kow, come here." "It's Fokou, sir." "What did you say to me, rookie?" "Fokou." "No, FK YOU! You're cut!"
> Rookie receiver Jeremy Maclin has impressed coaches with his speed. I'm not sure if it will be of any use with the five and 10-yard patterns the Eagles run in their offense. But, if they didn't run a stupid offense, he'd be a big weapon.
August 14, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @StarburyMarburyAKA NBA guard Stephon Marbury
High school cheerleading practice opened this morning at Westgate High in Ormond Park, Ill. and head coach Jennifer Pretian says she will spend the first few days working on fundamentals.
"Basic spelling, that sort of thing," said Pretian, 32, who was captain of the varsity squad at Westgate in 1995. "Go. G-O. Win. W-I-N. Fight. F-I see, I need to bone up, too. I'm rusty."
Westgate High principal Robert Simpson says the opening week of cheerleading practice is the most important, at least from his point of view.
"If it wasn't for cheerleading, most of these girls would never learn to spell. It's their only motivation," said the principal. "This time in August is the only time of the year we can get them to learn anything of value."
While cheerleading helps the girls' language skills, it's detrimental to their math skills.
"Every one of those dumb bimbos think numbers go 2, 4, 6, 8," said math skills teacher Sheila Marcos. "I've even had some cheerleaders come through who think there are numbers called Who, Do, We, And, and Appreciate."
Principal Simpson says he wishes the cheerleading coach would spend more time on spelling simple, single syllable words.
"They don't need to spend time practicing jumping and flipping and all that stuff," he said. "They're too stupid to realize any of that is dangerous. They'd jump off a bridge to try to touch a cloud if you wouldn't stop them. I want more focus on learning first grade spelling skills."
Westgate High varsity captain Heather Perkins says she can't wait for the final week of practice.
"That's when we practice giving blow jobs," she said. "Yes! Y-I-S!"
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo stepped in something on his way into the stadium today and decided to just eat it off the bottom of his shoe in case it could give him some sort of performance advantage.
"Maybe it's not cleared by baseball, maybe it is," he said, swallowing. "Maybe it's just dog poop, maybe it's not. Although it sure smells like it."
Arroyo admitted this week that he takes numerous substances that aren't approved by Major League Baseball.
"I take 10 to 12 different things a day, and on the days I pitch, there's four more things," he told USA Today. "There's a caffeine drink I take from a company that Curt Schilling introduced me to in '05. I take some Korean ginseng and a few other proteins out there that are not certified. But I haven't failed any tests, so I figured I'm good."
Arroyo now is just hoping that what was on his shoe won't cause him to test positive.
"I still have no idea what I had stuck on my shoe," he said. "It looked kind of like if you put gum, grass clippings, gravel and dog doo in a blender, mixed it all together and put it out in the sun for a month. None of those things are illegal by themselves. I'm just hoping I don't get any trace stuff from the gum. Or the poo."
If his latest supplement helps his performance, Arroyo says he will add it to the mix on a regular basis.
"I'll take any advantage I can get," he said. "Flemming discovered penicillin by accident, right? Maybe I'll be lucky enough to ingest something that's the greatest performance enhancer ever. That's my goal. Hey, are you done with that Sprite? Do you mind if I inject the rest of it into my shoulder?"
Eagles head coach Andy Reid and owner Jeffrey Lurie say they are terrified that their controversial new player signed his contract with the team in dog's blood.
"It was a dark red ink," said Reid.
"And a really strange consistency," added Lurie.
"Also, he dipped his quill pen into a an ink container labeled DOG'S BLOOD and then signed the contract with it," continued Reid.
"Yeah, that part raised some flags with me, as well," said Lurie.
Team management says they still support Vick, even though they are growing more and more certain that his new two-year contract may now contain DNA evidence of a crime.
"Michael says he has changed, Tony Dungy and Roger Goodell vouched for him and he served his time," said Reid. "That's good enough for me. Still, though I'm positive that was dog blood. There has to be some sort of explanation for this."
"Michael Vick is a changed man," said the owner. "He looked me in the eye and said he has changed. My guess for the explanation and this may sound far-fetched is that he used to use dog blood ink back when he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing. And he probably had some leftover ink and thought it would be a symbolic way to turn the page and show that he has blood on his hands. Right? That's the only explanation, no? It was old ink."
"The fk it was," he said. "That wasn't old dog blood. That sh!t was fresh. Do you have any idea how quickly dog blood ink dries up and is unusable? Like, two days. Three max. I killed a dog on the way in here to get me that ink. Right outside the stadium."
"Ohmigod!" exclaimed Lurie. "Where's my Ginger?! Has anyone seen Ginger?"
August 14, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Phil Mickelson duck hooks three-foot putt into the water
Phil Mickelson continued to struggle at the PGA Championship today, hitting a massive duck hook with his putter on the 16th green, flying the ball into the lake that borders the fairway. "Phil continues to struggle with his short putts," said Mickelson's caddie, Jim "Bones Mackay. "But people always say he can do things to a golf ball that others can't and that's for sure. I've never seen someone hit a snap hook with a putter like that." Mickelson attributed the missed gimme to a bad break. "There were a number of factors direction of the grains of grass, shadows, a leaf on the fringe," he said. "And right when I was about to tap it in, a big gust of wind came up you probably didn't feel it, but it was huge and that led to the duck hook. Tiger doesn't have bad luck like that."
August 14, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Tom Brady's knee fails to complete a single pass in first game back
Tom Brady had a disastrous return to the field Thursday night in his first game since suffering a knee injury in Week 1 of the 2008 regular season. The former league MVP failed to complete a single pass with his surgically-reconstructed left knee, raising serious concerns that it is truly ready for the season. "I'll admit, I'm a little concerned," said one Patriots front office employee who was at the game in Philadelphia. "I wanted to see the knee chuck some balls downfield. But all it did was stand there. And sometimes it would bend." Brady felt his first game back was a success. "The knee felt good," he said. "But I'm probably not going to try to throw a ball with my leg until the regular season when we have a big lead on one of the sh!tty teams in our division. You know, just for fun."
Our reporter spent the day at Dallas Cowboys training camp in San Antonio. Here are his notes.
> Cowboys coaches say they are happy that Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson separated. They hope it gives Simpson more time to work on her art.
> Players and coaches say they plan to get their Christmas shopping done early this year so they don't have the stress of the holiday season weighing them down in December again.
> The new Cowboys stadium was constructed with a steel-titanium alloy mixed with recycled parts of Jerry Jones' face.
> Longtime safety Roy Williams is gone to the Bengals, meaning Dallas only has one more massively overrated Roy Williams to shed from its payroll.
> I spoke to short yardage back Tashard Choice. He said that if he had his choice, he would not have named himself Tashard.
> With Terrell Owens gone, the Cowboys say their biggest distraction is not being as good as many of their opponents.
So who is really to blame for Rick Pitino's "indiscretion"? Rick Pitino knows: it's those no-good terrorists with their 9/11.
Here is Pitino's quote at his apology press conference: "When 9/11 hit, you needed a community to get you over it. In New York City, it was easy because everybody knew the devastation of that and they got each other over it. In Louisville, the impact wasn't felt like New York City, but I needed this community to help me get over it."
Umm. Okay. Invoking 9/11 after cheating on your wife. Classy.
So, maybe Pitino isn't exactly blaming 9/11 for banging a mom on a restaurant floor (while his assistant slept on the floor nearby), impregnating the woman and then later paying for her abortion. But he is at least saying that this current personal crisis has impacted him almost as much as the Twin Towers falling.
And you wondered what women saw in Rick Pitino. His dong is as big as a skyscraper.