Hillary Mitchell, an attractive 21-year-old political science major at Columbia University and a diehard baseball fan, says she has one thing and one thing only on her mind when trying to catch the eye of a major league player.
“Oh, yeah. If he has a high VORP, he’s getting my panties off,” says Mitchell. “Some girls are attracted to money, or looks or muscles. I’m a VORP girl.”
Value Over Replacement Player is the hot new measurement for major league players and a statistic Mitchell and other brainy baseball groupies use to target their prey.
“A few years ago, I only used to sleep with guys with good batting averages,” says Mitchell. “And I never, ever, ever would have sex with a guy who struck out a lot.”
But then Mitchell started reading about modern baseball talent evaluation and read the book “Moneyball.”
“My transformation started off slow,” said Mitchell. “I stopped doing the batting average guys, and only focused on players with good on-base percentages. From there I went to OPS guys. A couple of seasons ago, I probably slept with every hitter on the A’s and Red Sox rosters.”
“I’m a total VORP whore,” says Mitchell.
Mitchell says the two players who turn her on the most are Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez and Mets third baseman David Wright, last season’s major league VORP leaders. And she has already been with Wright.
“Oh, man,” says Wright. “Hillary really understands the game. All these VORP women do. They may not be the hottest girls, but they’re smart and they appreciate what you do on the field in a very genuine way. And as for Hillary, she’s pretty amazing in bed, too. Although it’s kind of weird that she screams out the names of ‘Billy Beane’ and ‘Bill James’ the whole time.”
Watch this (hat tip:Hot Clicks):
I can only think of a few things that would be as awkward.
- wearing a Donte Stallworth jersey while riding the go-carts
- wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey while playing a shooting game at the arcade
- working at the park's dining hall as a turkey carver while wearing a Ray Lewis jersey
- wearing an Eagles coaches jacket to the park while your kid tries to smuggle drugs in his rectum past park security
- wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey anywhere in public
I guess it's all just another day at Six Flags Over Bad Newz Kennels.
August 25, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Runner stranded at second dies
Orioles second baseman Brian Roberts doubled last night in the third inning to score a run. But he wasn't quite as fortunate and became stranded at second and eventually passed away. "You don't want to leave a runner behind," said Orioles manager Dave Trembley. "But there were already two outs when he got his hit, and we were in enemy territory here in Minnesota and well, we will miss Brian." At the conclusion of the game, the Orioles ran out to second base to get Roberts, but it was too late. "He had starved to death. He was dehydrated. If only he hadn't been stranded early in the game, we could have saved him," said outfielder Nick Markakis. "I hope he died knowing we did everything we could to get him home. We've lost too many good teammates this way the past few years." Metrodome officials say they will replace the second base bag because a desperate Roberts tried to eat it and the bag is all gnawed up.
He has frequently been on the cover of such magazines as Muscle & FitnessandMen's Health, includingothers. Now a young male model by the name of Brady Quinn reportedly may become the face of the Cleveland Browns organization.
"I am not ready to make any decisions, but Brady Quinn has impressed me in camp," said Browns head coach Eric Mangini. "I know it's not necessarily normal to pluck a football player from the world of men's fashion. But I don't want to limit my options or stereotype."
As unlikely as it may sound, the aspiring fashion icon says he actually has some football background Quinn says he played for a small Catholic school in Indiana. But a quick check of recent records show the program is quite poor. And since graduating from the school in 2007, Quinn has primarily focused on modeling. In addition to magazine covers, he has appeared in commercials for Subway restaurants and EAS. And, per the demands of the fashion industry, he has experimented wildly with his hair, as well as his wardrobe including a fascination with tights.
But now he claims his attention is on football.
"Modeling and fashion will always be in me," says Quinn, as evidenced by his appearance on the most recent issue of Muscle & Fitness. "And that's probably how I'll always be thought of first. But I wanted to give playing quarterback a shot, too. There is only room for one Tyson Beckford. But there are more than 30 starting quarterbacks in the NFL. And while it's true that I didn't play at an elite level in college. But I think that makes the Browns the best fit for me as far as making an easy transition."
Mangini thinks Quinn could open a pipeline for more models to enter the NFL.
"These models keep themselves in great shape. They have to. The job demands it," said Mangini. "And once he goes back to visit his runway buddies and tells them about all the brigthly-colored shirts and the tight pants, I think the NFL is going to have them lining up like it's a warehouse sale at Barneys."
DRAFT: Greg Olsen, TE, Bears In Olsen's rookie year he had 39 receptions. Last year in his sophomore season he grabbed 54 balls. In 2007 he totaled 391 receiving yards; in 2008: 574. Olsen's touchdowns also rose from two to five from his first to second season. So expect Olsen's fantasy stats to continue to improve especially now that the Bears will throw more with Jay Cutler in the fold. Just be sure to honor Olsen's 7th Floor Crew roots when you announce your pick: "(Who's your pick?) / G-Reg / (What's he do?) / Plays tight end / (Why'd you do it?) / I feel he's going to have a breakout season and help me win the league with career highs in all major statistical categories." (The rap kind of breaks down at the end there. So if you prefer, feel free to sub in something about busting a nut on a pair of breasts or sticking your dick in someone's ear.)
Sports agent Jim Levins was awakened by his cell phone at 5:00 a.m. this morning with an urgent call from one of his clients – a client frantically asking Levins to help him quickly set up a charity to find a cure for gonorrhea.
“I’ve never heard him so passionate about anything,” said Levins. “I asked him if it could wait until morning, but he insisted it could not. Something about waking up in the middle of the night and finding pus all over it. So I started working on the 401©-3 paperwork right away.”
By the time Levins reached his office a little before 6:00 a.m., his client was already pacing outside.
“He was sweating and just kept walking back and forth mumbling: ‘I can’t believe this happened to me. I can’t believe it. That b-tch said she was clean. My junk is all messed up. I can’t believe this’,” said Levins. “He was really distraught.”
After doing a brief amount of research into any similar gonorrhea-focused charities, Levins discovered that gonorrhea is a virus that can be treated with antibiotics.
“That calmed him down a little bit, but then I also read that some forms of the virus are very resistant to treatment and can not be killed,” said Levins. “That got him sweating again and renewed his commitment to finding a cure for this ailment.”
Levins said he expects the charity to up and running by the end of the week, but says that his client's name will not be linked to it publicly in any way.
“That’s just the kind of guy he is, you know?” said Levins. “He’s doing a good thing here, but he doesn’t need to be praised for it. In fact, he made me promise that his name will never linked to the charity or gonorrhea in any way. He said he wants to keep it all a secret. Especially to his wife.”
August 24, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Brooms brought to opening game of Royals series
Fans holding brooms filled Kauffman Stadium for tonight's opener of a three-game series between the Royals and Indians. "I try not to be too negative, but the chances they don't get swept are pretty slim," said Royals season ticket holder Jeff Lamont. "So I wanted to bring a broom tonight for the first game of the series and get ahead of the curve." Only upon arriving at the park, Lamont saw many other fans had the same idea including visiting Indians fans. "No, I brought my broom anticipating that we would get swept," said Indians fan Derek Heath. "What, are the Royals worse than the Indians? Really? Is that possible?"
Despite complaints that having his owner's suite right in the middle of the field will disrupt play, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says he has no plans to move his luxury suite.
"I built this stadium. So I want the best seat in the house," said Jones. "The players can play around me."
While Jones admitted there would be some issues with any new facility even one with a price tag of $1.2 billion he insisted his sprawling owner's suite across the center of the field is not one of them.
"Leather seating. Marble countertops. Two deluxe bathrooms. Six flat-screen TVs and full-service wait staff?" said Jones. "I fail to see the problem."
Yet there seemed to be some definite issues in the opening game at the new stadium, as players repeatedly crashed into the glass-enclosed structure, injuring themselves. Both teams had difficulty moving the ball past midfield and Jones' personal waitress was killed when she stepped out to get his crab cakes and was run over by Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck as he pursued a ball-carrier up the sidelines.
Tennessee head coach Jeff Fisher says Jones' suite presents some challenges.
"This luxury box is 150-feet wide, so that only leaves five feet of open field on each side along the sidelines," said Fisher. "And their outside linebackers just wait there. So the only other way downfield is to throw over his box, but it's hard to see the receivers because he's got 50 guests in there and TVs and a bar and stuff."
Jones feels teams will adjust.
"How much of a game is played at midfield anyway?" he said. "From what I have watched of football, all of the scoring is done in the end zones. The middle of the field is almost a waste of space. I feel like I am the first owner to utilize that space to its potential."
August 23, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Plaxico Burress shoots his attorney in the leg
NFL receiver Plaxico Burress had another incident with a gun today, repeatedly shooting his attorney in the leg. "Oh. Whoops. Looks like I accidentally shot you in the leg," said Burress, after shooting his lead attorney, Benjamin Brafman in the thigh. "Oops. Did it again. And again. I'm so clumsy with guns." After Brafman crawled screaming into a nearby closet, Burress dragged him out by his hair, reloaded his gun and accidentally shot the attorney three times more times in the leg including accidental shots to each knee cap for extra pain. "Oh, my! What have I done?" the receiver exclaimed, laughing hysterically. "Again? I shot you again? I'm so hopeless when it comes to guns." Brafman, who advised Burress to turn down an initial offer of two months in jail only to see his client ultimately receive two years, said he suspects the shootings were not accidental. "It's just a hunch I have," he said. "And my hunches are often correct. My hunch wasn't correct in the case of me thinking the district attorney would eventually drop the charges against Plaxico, of course. But you can't win them all." Brafman was then accidentally pistol-whipped by his client.
Our reporter spent the day at Pittsburgh Steelers training camp in Latrobe, Penn. Here are his notes.
> The Steelers are still in search of a short yardage and goal line back. They feel finding one of those will be easier than finding five offensive linemen who can block.
> Steelers special teams coach Bob Ligashesky was a day late for training camp because his airline lost his douche bag. Kicker Jeff Reed was thankfully found several hours later on a flight to Las Vegas.
> Beefy nose tackle Casey Hampton shed 15 pounds during camp while head coach Mike Tomlin dropped 95 pounds thanks to wearing his puffy coat day after day in 90-degree heat. He is expected to be off of life support in the next few days.
> The Steelers say they still see the Ravens as the team to beat in the AFC North. Probably because they beat the Ravens three times last season and the other teams in their division only twice.
> On the day NFL officials stopped by camp to explain the rule changes for this season, the Steelers peppered them with questions. The officials did not have answer for receiver Santonio Holmes question about whether he would be ruled in possession of the ball if he got one foot and his penis down before going out of bounds.
> Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger injured his Achilles on the final day of camp. (To clarify: I mean his literal Achilles; not his figurative Achilles: girls who look like horses.)