August 17, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
World's slowest man taken off life support
James Dyson, the reigning world’s slowest man, passed away today at age 46 when he was taken off life support by his loved ones.“James has a lot of records from his athletic career,” said his mother, Sandra. “Slowest to run a 100m – never. Slowest to run a marathon – never. He has been in a coma since he was born. He was like tarred lightning.” Dyson condition worsened on Sunday from a massive stroke that caused blood to arrive to his brain too slowly. With his passing, the world’s slowest man title passes to Frenchman Pierre Lacroix, 44, who also hasn’t moved since birth.“I always knew that keeping Pierre on life support all these years would pay off,” said his father, Jean Luc. “He is an inspiration.”
AVOID: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Broncos Many fantasy owners expect big things this year out of the former Georgia star. But just because Mike Shanahan and his running back-by-committee are gone in Denver does not mean the Broncos starting back is now going to rack up big numbers. Why? Because this year Denver is using a running-back-beside-Kyle-Orton approach, meaning opposing defenses have no reason not to put eight, no 11 men in the box. Knowshon, know last.
Thanks to the success of last year’s Little League Baseball World Series 2008 for the Nintendo Wii, Activision is set to release its updated version of the game for the Wii, PS3 and Xbox 360 – Little League Baseball 09: The Life.
“Little League Baseball 09: The Life has the same great game play of last year’s game,” said head designer Jay Bowman, “but with the added benefit of experiencing the cripplingly awkward life of a 10, 11 and 12-year old off the field, too. The pained social interactions, the saturation of horrible pop music and movies, the ugly, ill-fitting clothes, even the occasional surprise erection – this game has it all.”
But it’s not all just the embarrassments of life that are featured in Little League Baseball 09: The Life. The monotony of daily life also gets its due. Avatars may not play a game until they first complete a chore for their parents: taking out the garbage, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning their room or the like. And each chore is conducted in real time. You receive an allowance for the work, but it’s only the minimal income received by a pre-teen – so only enough to buy crap like a stupid t-shirt or a poster or something like that.
Perhaps the most prominent feature of the game is Girl Mode. Depending on the age and maturity of an avatar, players are either grossed out by girls or, if sexually interested, can engage in ham-handed make-out sessions with girls, replete with bad breath and braces. If players rack up enough points, they can even unlock a gay or bi-curious mode that is played during trips to baseball camp.
"There's something for everyone," said Bowman. "Although I should warn you, if anyone above the age of 13 plays Girl Mode, the police will show up at your door within an hour."
But without a doubt, the best part of the game is the mode that allows you to play a whole ton of video games just as any 10-12-year old loves to do.
"In all honesty, the baseball part of our game who cares, am I right?" said Bowman. "Why play Little League when there are a bunch of other baseball games on the market. But with this game you can also play all kinds of other cool games on the living room floor of your avatar's home. Or, even better, you can have your avatar go over to the house of an avatar friend with bad parents and play Grand Theft Auto."
August 17, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Usain Bolt receives $450 million contract offer from the Raiders
World's fastest man Usain Bolt will be able to cash in on his new world record 9.58-second 100m if he so chooses, thanks to a 2-year, $450 million contract he was offered personally by Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. "I never heard of these Raiders, and I don't know anything about American football," said Bolt. "But $450 million is a lot of money to turn down. I could easily return to sprinting in two years in time for the Olympics. I'm just a bit hesitant to sign because this Mr. Davis sounded a little bit crazy on the phone." Davis says inking Bolt to the contract, which would put the Raiders over the salary cap several times over, is a great value. "I signed Darrius Heyward-Bey to a $23.5 million contract and he can't really play football either," said Davis. "And this Usain is significantly faster. So he would be appropriately slotted in our team salary structure."
News Who is Y.E. Yang?
Y.E. Yang bested Tiger Woods by three strokes to win the 2009 PGA Championship at Hazeltine.
What else do we know about this guy? Here are some facts about Y.E. Yang.
Yang did not start playing golf until he was 19 years old.
Tiger Woods had a 17-year head-start on Yang in learning the game, which is why Vegas sports books predict Yang will beat Woods for the 2026 PGA Championship by 51 strokes.
After quickly becoming quite skilled at golf, Yang was required to serve in the South Korean military.
Yang was drafted into the service in case tensions between South Korea and North Korea escalated into a golf-off with North Korean leader/golf phenom Kim Jong-il.
Yang was born in 1972 and his given name is용은.
So "Y.E." is apparently an abbreviation for "용은". How does he get Y.E. out of용은? South Koreans are weird.
In three previous years on the PGA Tour, Yang earned a total of $537,000. This season he has already won $3.2 million.
With his 10-percent take, Yang's caddie is now able to afford to move out of Yang's locker.
Before winning the PGA Championship, Yang's best finish in a major was a tie for 30th at the 2007 Masters.
In all fairness, Yang was distracted at the Masters by Augusta National members frequently asking him if he had their dry cleaning ready.
Yang if the first Asian-born* player to win one of golf's majors.
*Caublanasian not included.
I was browsing Craigslist and look at what I found. I think it's a posting from Phillies closer Brad Lidge.
W / RP looking for a save to blow. I want to blow you in a stadium full of people so they can watch. I like when people watch. I will be at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia on the pitcher’s mound this Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night. When it is the ninth inning, I will blow you. I could blow you fast. Or I could draw it out and really make it sloppy. But I will definitely finish blowing you by the end of the inning. Note: this is not just a one time thing. I want to blow you every time I can get on the field as long as my employer still let’s me go out there. Hurry! Their patience for my actions is waning and I want to blow you!
Our reporter spent the day at Philadelphia Eagles training camp in Bethlehem, Penn. Here are his notes.
> Michael Vick had a solid first day of practice with some mixed results. On one broken play, he scrambled and picked up 25 yards. On another, he hit rookie Jeremy Maclin in the hands with a pass, Maclin dropped it and Vick shanked him in the back.
> Donovan McNabb told me that the Vick signing does not make him feel that he is being undercut. Or at least I think that's what he was saying. As he was finishing his sentence, Andy Reid ran over and took him out at the knees.
> The Eagles are shocked by the number of injuries they have suffered and their lack of depth threatens to sabotage their season. How could they know people could get hurt playing football?!
> Head coach Andy Reid is signed through the 2010 season with a team option to fire him whenever they want and replace him with Tony Dungy.
> Seventh round pick Moise Fokou was cut after this exchange with linebackers coach Bill Shuey "Hey, Fow-kow, come here." "It's Fokou, sir." "What did you say to me, rookie?" "Fokou." "No, FK YOU! You're cut!"
> Rookie receiver Jeremy Maclin has impressed coaches with his speed. I'm not sure if it will be of any use with the five and 10-yard patterns the Eagles run in their offense. But, if they didn't run a stupid offense, he'd be a big weapon.
August 14, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @StarburyMarburyAKA NBA guard Stephon Marbury
High school cheerleading practice opened this morning at Westgate High in Ormond Park, Ill. and head coach Jennifer Pretian says she will spend the first few days working on fundamentals.
"Basic spelling, that sort of thing," said Pretian, 32, who was captain of the varsity squad at Westgate in 1995. "Go. G-O. Win. W-I-N. Fight. F-I see, I need to bone up, too. I'm rusty."
Westgate High principal Robert Simpson says the opening week of cheerleading practice is the most important, at least from his point of view.
"If it wasn't for cheerleading, most of these girls would never learn to spell. It's their only motivation," said the principal. "This time in August is the only time of the year we can get them to learn anything of value."
While cheerleading helps the girls' language skills, it's detrimental to their math skills.
"Every one of those dumb bimbos think numbers go 2, 4, 6, 8," said math skills teacher Sheila Marcos. "I've even had some cheerleaders come through who think there are numbers called Who, Do, We, And, and Appreciate."
Principal Simpson says he wishes the cheerleading coach would spend more time on spelling simple, single syllable words.
"They don't need to spend time practicing jumping and flipping and all that stuff," he said. "They're too stupid to realize any of that is dangerous. They'd jump off a bridge to try to touch a cloud if you wouldn't stop them. I want more focus on learning first grade spelling skills."
Westgate High varsity captain Heather Perkins says she can't wait for the final week of practice.
"That's when we practice giving blow jobs," she said. "Yes! Y-I-S!"
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo stepped in something on his way into the stadium today and decided to just eat it off the bottom of his shoe in case it could give him some sort of performance advantage.
"Maybe it's not cleared by baseball, maybe it is," he said, swallowing. "Maybe it's just dog poop, maybe it's not. Although it sure smells like it."
Arroyo admitted this week that he takes numerous substances that aren't approved by Major League Baseball.
"I take 10 to 12 different things a day, and on the days I pitch, there's four more things," he told USA Today. "There's a caffeine drink I take from a company that Curt Schilling introduced me to in '05. I take some Korean ginseng and a few other proteins out there that are not certified. But I haven't failed any tests, so I figured I'm good."
Arroyo now is just hoping that what was on his shoe won't cause him to test positive.
"I still have no idea what I had stuck on my shoe," he said. "It looked kind of like if you put gum, grass clippings, gravel and dog doo in a blender, mixed it all together and put it out in the sun for a month. None of those things are illegal by themselves. I'm just hoping I don't get any trace stuff from the gum. Or the poo."
If his latest supplement helps his performance, Arroyo says he will add it to the mix on a regular basis.
"I'll take any advantage I can get," he said. "Flemming discovered penicillin by accident, right? Maybe I'll be lucky enough to ingest something that's the greatest performance enhancer ever. That's my goal. Hey, are you done with that Sprite? Do you mind if I inject the rest of it into my shoulder?"