Sports agent Jim Levins was awakened by his cell phone at 5:00 a.m. this morning with an urgent call from one of his clients – a client frantically asking Levins to help him quickly set up a charity to find a cure for gonorrhea.
“I’ve never heard him so passionate about anything,” said Levins. “I asked him if it could wait until morning, but he insisted it could not. Something about waking up in the middle of the night and finding pus all over it. So I started working on the 401©-3 paperwork right away.”
By the time Levins reached his office a little before 6:00 a.m., his client was already pacing outside.
“He was sweating and just kept walking back and forth mumbling: ‘I can’t believe this happened to me. I can’t believe it. That b-tch said she was clean. My junk is all messed up. I can’t believe this’,” said Levins. “He was really distraught.”
After doing a brief amount of research into any similar gonorrhea-focused charities, Levins discovered that gonorrhea is a virus that can be treated with antibiotics.
“That calmed him down a little bit, but then I also read that some forms of the virus are very resistant to treatment and can not be killed,” said Levins. “That got him sweating again and renewed his commitment to finding a cure for this ailment.”
Levins said he expects the charity to up and running by the end of the week, but says that his client's name will not be linked to it publicly in any way.
“That’s just the kind of guy he is, you know?” said Levins. “He’s doing a good thing here, but he doesn’t need to be praised for it. In fact, he made me promise that his name will never linked to the charity or gonorrhea in any way. He said he wants to keep it all a secret. Especially to his wife.”
August 24, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Brooms brought to opening game of Royals series
Fans holding brooms filled Kauffman Stadium for tonight's opener of a three-game series between the Royals and Indians. "I try not to be too negative, but the chances they don't get swept are pretty slim," said Royals season ticket holder Jeff Lamont. "So I wanted to bring a broom tonight for the first game of the series and get ahead of the curve." Only upon arriving at the park, Lamont saw many other fans had the same idea including visiting Indians fans. "No, I brought my broom anticipating that we would get swept," said Indians fan Derek Heath. "What, are the Royals worse than the Indians? Really? Is that possible?"
Despite complaints that having his owner's suite right in the middle of the field will disrupt play, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says he has no plans to move his luxury suite.
"I built this stadium. So I want the best seat in the house," said Jones. "The players can play around me."
While Jones admitted there would be some issues with any new facility even one with a price tag of $1.2 billion he insisted his sprawling owner's suite across the center of the field is not one of them.
"Leather seating. Marble countertops. Two deluxe bathrooms. Six flat-screen TVs and full-service wait staff?" said Jones. "I fail to see the problem."
Yet there seemed to be some definite issues in the opening game at the new stadium, as players repeatedly crashed into the glass-enclosed structure, injuring themselves. Both teams had difficulty moving the ball past midfield and Jones' personal waitress was killed when she stepped out to get his crab cakes and was run over by Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck as he pursued a ball-carrier up the sidelines.
Tennessee head coach Jeff Fisher says Jones' suite presents some challenges.
"This luxury box is 150-feet wide, so that only leaves five feet of open field on each side along the sidelines," said Fisher. "And their outside linebackers just wait there. So the only other way downfield is to throw over his box, but it's hard to see the receivers because he's got 50 guests in there and TVs and a bar and stuff."
Jones feels teams will adjust.
"How much of a game is played at midfield anyway?" he said. "From what I have watched of football, all of the scoring is done in the end zones. The middle of the field is almost a waste of space. I feel like I am the first owner to utilize that space to its potential."
August 23, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Plaxico Burress shoots his attorney in the leg
NFL receiver Plaxico Burress had another incident with a gun today, repeatedly shooting his attorney in the leg. "Oh. Whoops. Looks like I accidentally shot you in the leg," said Burress, after shooting his lead attorney, Benjamin Brafman in the thigh. "Oops. Did it again. And again. I'm so clumsy with guns." After Brafman crawled screaming into a nearby closet, Burress dragged him out by his hair, reloaded his gun and accidentally shot the attorney three times more times in the leg including accidental shots to each knee cap for extra pain. "Oh, my! What have I done?" the receiver exclaimed, laughing hysterically. "Again? I shot you again? I'm so hopeless when it comes to guns." Brafman, who advised Burress to turn down an initial offer of two months in jail only to see his client ultimately receive two years, said he suspects the shootings were not accidental. "It's just a hunch I have," he said. "And my hunches are often correct. My hunch wasn't correct in the case of me thinking the district attorney would eventually drop the charges against Plaxico, of course. But you can't win them all." Brafman was then accidentally pistol-whipped by his client.
Our reporter spent the day at Pittsburgh Steelers training camp in Latrobe, Penn. Here are his notes.
> The Steelers are still in search of a short yardage and goal line back. They feel finding one of those will be easier than finding five offensive linemen who can block.
> Steelers special teams coach Bob Ligashesky was a day late for training camp because his airline lost his douche bag. Kicker Jeff Reed was thankfully found several hours later on a flight to Las Vegas.
> Beefy nose tackle Casey Hampton shed 15 pounds during camp while head coach Mike Tomlin dropped 95 pounds thanks to wearing his puffy coat day after day in 90-degree heat. He is expected to be off of life support in the next few days.
> The Steelers say they still see the Ravens as the team to beat in the AFC North. Probably because they beat the Ravens three times last season and the other teams in their division only twice.
> On the day NFL officials stopped by camp to explain the rule changes for this season, the Steelers peppered them with questions. The officials did not have answer for receiver Santonio Holmes question about whether he would be ruled in possession of the ball if he got one foot and his penis down before going out of bounds.
> Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger injured his Achilles on the final day of camp. (To clarify: I mean his literal Achilles; not his figurative Achilles: girls who look like horses.)
August 21, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @nate_robinson AKA New York Knicks guard Nate Robinson
Cops pulled me over cuz my windows were 2 dark(but my windows were down) lol how funny is that.. SMH<- that's crazy!
Aug 18 2009 (later deleted by @nate_robinson)
August 21, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Gender test determines Caster Semanya is a tender lover
IAAC official Pierre Garoux emerged from his office after administering a gender test to Caster Semanya and announced to the gathered press corps that the South African 800m runner is a tender, attentive lover. "Unfortunately, I still don't know if Semanya is male or female," said Garoux. Garoux says he and the runner hit it off while conversing before the test began and, once the Semanya's underpants were removed to commence the exam, things quickly escalated. "I don't know if Caster will ultimately be allowed to compete and I don't quite know what equipment I was handling down there," he said. "But I do know one thing: I love her or him."
As the health care debate rages on in the United States, many hockey fans states throughout the country have come forward to say they have no interest in ever getting health insurance.
“I can live through anything. A broken leg? Pfft. I once finished a 12-hour shift on a broken leg and didn’t even take my lunch break,” said Paul Marleau, a Detroit factory worker. “Health insurance is for pussies like baseball fans to get their hamstrings checked every week.”
Marleau says he models his healthcare views and pain threshold on former Red Wings star Steve Yzerman.
“Yzerman would play through anything,” says Marleau. “He could be bleeding, bruised, broken and he’d finish out his shift – and not only finish it but dole out some punishment of his own on the way off the ice.”
Marleau says he would have played the same way in the NHL had his junior career not been cut short due to him getting his right leg amputated. The leg had become hopelessly infected after the young defenseman refused to receive medical attention for what was initially a small cut on his knee.
Yzerman says he worries about the many hockey fans out there who try to live their lives like their on-ice heroes.
“Everyone should have access to quality health care,” he said. “That should be a human right. The reason hockey players are so willing to sacrifice their bodies is because we have great health coverage in the NHL. And then in Canada we have a pretty solid healthcare plan for everyone, too. If I didn’t have health insurance, I never would have put myself out there like that. Are you kidding me?”
“Oh,” said Marleau upon learning of Yzerman’s statement. He then excused himself from the interview to get treatment for an eye laceration he suffered three weeks ago.
With one decrepit farmhand already on the roster, the Vikings moved to double-down today and signed former Texas State quarterback Paul Blake to backup Brett Favre.
“It’s not big secret that we were not happy with Sage Rosenfels, Tarvaris Jackson and John David Booty,” said head coach Brad Childress. “So even with Brett in the fold, we still thought we could improve the position even more and Paul Blake gives us pretty much a carbon copy of Brett. He’s experienced. And very old. And perhaps, coincidentally, he also knows his way around a tractor.”
Blake, now in his early fifties, helped turn around the Texas State Fightin’ Armadillos in 1991 when they were trying to rebuild from a slew of NCAA sanctions. He hadn’t played for years then – and he hasn’t played since. But Childress feels he is a perfect fit in Minnesota.
“If we wanted someone who is young and mobile and still has the arm strength to make the strong, accurate throws required to be successful in the NFL, we wouldn’t have signed Brett,” said Childress. “We think this team needed something different. And if Brett would get hurt, Paul Blake brings those same things.”
Childress says Blake has yet to report to camp.
“I don’t have the heart to break it to coach that Paul Blake isn’t a real person. He’s from a movie,” said running back Adrian Peterson. “Paul Blake is fictional. He is no more real than coach’s idea that Brett Favre is still a great quarterback and a great leader.”
Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari promised Wildcats fans today that he would bring the program a national title that will quickly be stripped by the NCAA within the next five years.
"I know taking a program to the top and then destroying in such a short time is a bold goal," said Calipari. "But I am confident I can do it. I feel my whole career has been preparing me for this goal."
Calipari has almost done it before. He took UMass to a Final Four in 1996, although that appearance was later vacated due to payments made by an agent to star center Marcus Camby. In 2008 he took Memphis to a Final Four, the championship game and to within seconds of a national title. But that season's accomplishments were completely wiped from the record books due to the Tigers using an ineligible player: star point guard Derrick Rose, whose SAT exam was taken by someone else.
Calipari says the Memphis lost hurt the most.
"I knew we were going to have that whole season vacated eventually because we cheated our asses off," he said. "But we would have had something to show for it had we won the title. Losing in the last seconds meant we had nothing. They can take a win wins, but they can never take away the pride you feel in your heart over fraudulent success."
With that bitter taste in his mouth and a new $31.65 million contract lining his pockets Calipari is more determined than ever to cheat his way to a title.
"I will cut every corner, not dot any I's, not cross any T's," he said. "I was brought here to win a title and I will do anything to make it happen and fast. The NCAA is a completely toothless organization, but even they might kick me out at some point. So I have to get moving."
Kentucky athletic director Mitch Barnhart is excited about Calipari's vow and determination.
"A vacated NCAA title wow, that would be awesome!" he said. "It's hard enough to win an NCAA title as is, winning one on the up-and-up is almost impossible. That's why we brought Coach Cal in. We think he has the right mix of basketball smarts and total lack of ethics to bring us the trophy. So what that the NCAA will take it back soon after? We'll make replicas."
Calipari says his first step is improving the talent at Kentucky.
"Lebron James is a free agent after this season and he has all of his college eligibility left," said Calipari. "I think I can get him here. I think he'll be interested to learn that, unlike in the NBA, my players aren't subjected to a salary cap."