August 23, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Plaxico Burress shoots his attorney in the leg
NFL receiver Plaxico Burress had another incident with a gun today, repeatedly shooting his attorney in the leg. "Oh. Whoops. Looks like I accidentally shot you in the leg," said Burress, after shooting his lead attorney, Benjamin Brafman in the thigh. "Oops. Did it again. And again. I'm so clumsy with guns." After Brafman crawled screaming into a nearby closet, Burress dragged him out by his hair, reloaded his gun and accidentally shot the attorney three times more times in the leg including accidental shots to each knee cap for extra pain. "Oh, my! What have I done?" the receiver exclaimed, laughing hysterically. "Again? I shot you again? I'm so hopeless when it comes to guns." Brafman, who advised Burress to turn down an initial offer of two months in jail only to see his client ultimately receive two years, said he suspects the shootings were not accidental. "It's just a hunch I have," he said. "And my hunches are often correct. My hunch wasn't correct in the case of me thinking the district attorney would eventually drop the charges against Plaxico, of course. But you can't win them all." Brafman was then accidentally pistol-whipped by his client.
Our reporter spent the day at Pittsburgh Steelers training camp in Latrobe, Penn. Here are his notes.
> The Steelers are still in search of a short yardage and goal line back. They feel finding one of those will be easier than finding five offensive linemen who can block.
> Steelers special teams coach Bob Ligashesky was a day late for training camp because his airline lost his douche bag. Kicker Jeff Reed was thankfully found several hours later on a flight to Las Vegas.
> Beefy nose tackle Casey Hampton shed 15 pounds during camp while head coach Mike Tomlin dropped 95 pounds thanks to wearing his puffy coat day after day in 90-degree heat. He is expected to be off of life support in the next few days.
> The Steelers say they still see the Ravens as the team to beat in the AFC North. Probably because they beat the Ravens three times last season and the other teams in their division only twice.
> On the day NFL officials stopped by camp to explain the rule changes for this season, the Steelers peppered them with questions. The officials did not have answer for receiver Santonio Holmes question about whether he would be ruled in possession of the ball if he got one foot and his penis down before going out of bounds.
> Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger injured his Achilles on the final day of camp. (To clarify: I mean his literal Achilles; not his figurative Achilles: girls who look like horses.)
August 21, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @nate_robinson AKA New York Knicks guard Nate Robinson
Cops pulled me over cuz my windows were 2 dark(but my windows were down) lol how funny is that.. SMH<- that's crazy!
Aug 18 2009 (later deleted by @nate_robinson)
August 21, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Gender test determines Caster Semanya is a tender lover
IAAC official Pierre Garoux emerged from his office after administering a gender test to Caster Semanya and announced to the gathered press corps that the South African 800m runner is a tender, attentive lover. "Unfortunately, I still don't know if Semanya is male or female," said Garoux. Garoux says he and the runner hit it off while conversing before the test began and, once the Semanya's underpants were removed to commence the exam, things quickly escalated. "I don't know if Caster will ultimately be allowed to compete and I don't quite know what equipment I was handling down there," he said. "But I do know one thing: I love her or him."
As the health care debate rages on in the United States, many hockey fans states throughout the country have come forward to say they have no interest in ever getting health insurance.
“I can live through anything. A broken leg? Pfft. I once finished a 12-hour shift on a broken leg and didn’t even take my lunch break,” said Paul Marleau, a Detroit factory worker. “Health insurance is for pussies like baseball fans to get their hamstrings checked every week.”
Marleau says he models his healthcare views and pain threshold on former Red Wings star Steve Yzerman.
“Yzerman would play through anything,” says Marleau. “He could be bleeding, bruised, broken and he’d finish out his shift – and not only finish it but dole out some punishment of his own on the way off the ice.”
Marleau says he would have played the same way in the NHL had his junior career not been cut short due to him getting his right leg amputated. The leg had become hopelessly infected after the young defenseman refused to receive medical attention for what was initially a small cut on his knee.
Yzerman says he worries about the many hockey fans out there who try to live their lives like their on-ice heroes.
“Everyone should have access to quality health care,” he said. “That should be a human right. The reason hockey players are so willing to sacrifice their bodies is because we have great health coverage in the NHL. And then in Canada we have a pretty solid healthcare plan for everyone, too. If I didn’t have health insurance, I never would have put myself out there like that. Are you kidding me?”
“Oh,” said Marleau upon learning of Yzerman’s statement. He then excused himself from the interview to get treatment for an eye laceration he suffered three weeks ago.
With one decrepit farmhand already on the roster, the Vikings moved to double-down today and signed former Texas State quarterback Paul Blake to backup Brett Favre.
“It’s not big secret that we were not happy with Sage Rosenfels, Tarvaris Jackson and John David Booty,” said head coach Brad Childress. “So even with Brett in the fold, we still thought we could improve the position even more and Paul Blake gives us pretty much a carbon copy of Brett. He’s experienced. And very old. And perhaps, coincidentally, he also knows his way around a tractor.”
Blake, now in his early fifties, helped turn around the Texas State Fightin’ Armadillos in 1991 when they were trying to rebuild from a slew of NCAA sanctions. He hadn’t played for years then – and he hasn’t played since. But Childress feels he is a perfect fit in Minnesota.
“If we wanted someone who is young and mobile and still has the arm strength to make the strong, accurate throws required to be successful in the NFL, we wouldn’t have signed Brett,” said Childress. “We think this team needed something different. And if Brett would get hurt, Paul Blake brings those same things.”
Childress says Blake has yet to report to camp.
“I don’t have the heart to break it to coach that Paul Blake isn’t a real person. He’s from a movie,” said running back Adrian Peterson. “Paul Blake is fictional. He is no more real than coach’s idea that Brett Favre is still a great quarterback and a great leader.”
Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari promised Wildcats fans today that he would bring the program a national title that will quickly be stripped by the NCAA within the next five years.
"I know taking a program to the top and then destroying in such a short time is a bold goal," said Calipari. "But I am confident I can do it. I feel my whole career has been preparing me for this goal."
Calipari has almost done it before. He took UMass to a Final Four in 1996, although that appearance was later vacated due to payments made by an agent to star center Marcus Camby. In 2008 he took Memphis to a Final Four, the championship game and to within seconds of a national title. But that season's accomplishments were completely wiped from the record books due to the Tigers using an ineligible player: star point guard Derrick Rose, whose SAT exam was taken by someone else.
Calipari says the Memphis lost hurt the most.
"I knew we were going to have that whole season vacated eventually because we cheated our asses off," he said. "But we would have had something to show for it had we won the title. Losing in the last seconds meant we had nothing. They can take a win wins, but they can never take away the pride you feel in your heart over fraudulent success."
With that bitter taste in his mouth and a new $31.65 million contract lining his pockets Calipari is more determined than ever to cheat his way to a title.
"I will cut every corner, not dot any I's, not cross any T's," he said. "I was brought here to win a title and I will do anything to make it happen and fast. The NCAA is a completely toothless organization, but even they might kick me out at some point. So I have to get moving."
Kentucky athletic director Mitch Barnhart is excited about Calipari's vow and determination.
"A vacated NCAA title wow, that would be awesome!" he said. "It's hard enough to win an NCAA title as is, winning one on the up-and-up is almost impossible. That's why we brought Coach Cal in. We think he has the right mix of basketball smarts and total lack of ethics to bring us the trophy. So what that the NCAA will take it back soon after? We'll make replicas."
Calipari says his first step is improving the talent at Kentucky.
"Lebron James is a free agent after this season and he has all of his college eligibility left," said Calipari. "I think I can get him here. I think he'll be interested to learn that, unlike in the NBA, my players aren't subjected to a salary cap."
AVOID: Brett Favre, QB, VikingsOkay, so this one may seem fairly obvious. But there is always someone in every fantasy league who doesn't know what they're doing. At all. And maybe that person is you. Every year that person drafts someone who is dead, suspended or out for the season with an injury. Technically, Brett Favre is not any of those three things. He just happens to play like it.
August 20, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Two-year prison sentence finally gives Plaxico Burress a reason not to shoot himself in the leg again
Thanks to an upcoming two-year stint in a state penitentiary, former New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress says he finally has a solid reason not to shoot himself in the leg. "The excruciating pain gave me pause," said Burress. "And the nine months of humiliation and being a national punchline stopped me from going right out and shooting myself again, i guess. But I still had that urge to shoot myself again. Now, though, thanks to the justice system, I have seen the error of my accidental-shooting ways." Burress says that once he finishes his sentence near the end of 2011, he wants to speak to youth about not shooting themselves. "I got trapped in that culture of accidentally shooting yourself when carrying a gun for personal protection," he said. "I don't want to see other people go down that road. I have learned my lesson: always shoot others before yourself. You will spend much less time in prison that way."
Detroit Lions draft pick Roger Jordan reported for training camp today after a 22-year and 3-month holdout. The Lions first round pick in the 1987 draft said he felt it was time to get on the field.
“Woooh, boy! I’m sore,” said Jordan after his first practice. “I’ll admit – I tried to workout while I was waiting for my contract to be resolved, but I think I’m a little bit out of shape. This 22-year holdout was longer than it felt.”
Jordan felt he had to report to camp after contract negotiations had broken down.
“I had received an offer from them in, oh … I don’t know – I remember ‘The Cosby Show’ was still on at the time,” he said. “So it’s been a couple years, I guess. I also hadn’t heard from my agent in a while about where things stood. Turns out he passed away in 1995.”
Lions general manager Martin Mayhew said he was unaware the team had a holdout from the 1987 draft class, but welcomed Jordan’s arrival.
“We can use all the help we can get,” said Mayhew. “This guy has been out of football for a couple of decades. His hunger must be stronger than ever. Sure, he’s 44 now and a bit flabby and arthritic, but I think he can start for us at several positions right now.”
Jordan said he will gladly accept the team’s most recent offer: 3 years, $240,000. “That’s a lot of money and I can use it,” he said. “I thought I was going to be signed long ago and I’ve been borrowing for years, promising everyone I was good for it because I’d have a big NFL contract soon. And now that day has arrived. Woooo! I’m rich $80,000 a year!”