News

In Rick Pitino's first press conference following the news about his restaurant tryst, he invoked 9/11. In his latest press conference, he tried to shame the media for focusing on his story "on the day Ted Kennedy died" and said the media coverage of his dalliance and subsequent "health insurance" payment has made life "pure hell" for his wife.

A new SportsPickle play examines what Pitino's press conferences might look like this season.

BRENDA ROBERTS

SANDY, UTAH > Powerlifting

Roberts, 16, won gold medals in the female deadlift, bench press and combination bench press/deadlift at last week's junior nationals in Colorado Springs. She plans to use one of her three medals to help plug the massive hernia she suffered in her taint wall.

There are only a few days left until the first Saturday of the college football season and SportsPickle is counting down the top stories of 2009. Today: No. 10, Greg Paulus.

The power numbers are too good to be true. Ten to 50 times their weight. Really? Ants can carry that much? Okay. I'll buy that. It's been proven.

But can ants lift that much naturally? Pffft. Yeah, I don't think so.

Don't forget: we told ourselves we wouldn't be fooled again by eye-popping stats. Yet here we are again — this time giving ants a free pass.

Not on my watch.

Where's the proof, you ask? Where's the proof that ants are using PEDs? Well, it's in the same place the proof on Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Roger Clemens is kept: in our minds. In our common sense.

Those guys never tested positive for steroids and there is no picture or video of them injecting anything into their bodies. Yet we are all 99-percent sure they cheated.

With ants it should be 100-percent. For all the amazing feats that Bonds, McGwire and Clemens did on the field, could they lift 10 to 50 times their body weight? Some 2,250 to 11,250 pounds? Of course not. Not even close. Yet an ant will traipse across your picnic blanket holding a small pebble, just flaunting its strength. No remorse. No shame. No respect for the insects that came before it.

Yet you may wonder: "Why would ants cheat? What would they have to gain from it?" Oh, I don't know … ever hear of something called ANT FARMS??? Yes, ant farms. Thousands of children all across the country have ant farms in their bedrooms — where it's nice and warm and safe all year round. As though that's not more than enough impetus for an ant to leave its natural surroundings full of prey and dirt, where they are left to suffer through nature's winter, hard rains and intense heat. In an ant farm, in your children's room, all is well.

And therein lies the biggest problem: the children. Won't you consider the children? They are our biggest concern. We can't have these artificially-enhanced nuisances living amongst our most precious and innocent citizens, poisoning their values. There could be hundreds of these depraved insects in an ant farm upstairs in little Bobby or Suzy's room right now. Would you let the 1990s Texas Rangers stay in your child's room? Of course not. They sucked. And they were on a lot of steroids, too.

We're onto you ants! Do you hear us? Look at me and listen. Do you need me to hold up this magnifying glass so you can see me?

Oh … oh, this is awesome. They're smoking! I think I heard that one scream! Ha!

So maybe these steroids-using ants aren't our biggest problem. What we need to focus on first is building bigger magnifying glasses. And then I'm taking one to a major league baseball game.

Hillary Mitchell, an attractive 21-year-old political science major at Columbia University and a diehard baseball fan, says she has one thing and one thing only on her mind when trying to catch the eye of a major league player.

“Oh, yeah. If he has a high VORP, he’s getting my panties off,” says Mitchell. “Some girls are attracted to money, or looks or muscles. I’m a VORP girl.”

Value Over Replacement Player is the hot new measurement for major league players and a statistic Mitchell and other brainy baseball groupies use to target their prey.

“A few years ago, I only used to sleep with guys with good batting averages,” says Mitchell. “And I never, ever, ever would have sex with a guy who struck out a lot.”

But then Mitchell started reading about modern baseball talent evaluation and read the book “Moneyball.”

“My transformation started off slow,” said Mitchell. “I stopped doing the batting average guys, and only focused on players with good on-base percentages. From there I went to OPS guys. A couple of seasons ago, I probably slept with every hitter on the A’s and Red Sox rosters.”

And now?

“I’m a total VORP whore,” says Mitchell.

Mitchell says the two players who turn her on the most are Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez and Mets third baseman David Wright, last season’s major league VORP leaders. And she has already been with Wright.

“Oh, man,” says Wright. “Hillary really understands the game. All these VORP women do. They may not be the hottest girls, but they’re smart and they appreciate what you do on the field in a very genuine way. And as for Hillary, she’s pretty amazing in bed, too. Although it’s kind of weird that she screams out the names of ‘Billy Beane’ and ‘Bill James’ the whole time.”

Watch this (hat tip:Hot Clicks):

I can only think of a few things that would be as awkward.

- wearing a Donte Stallworth jersey while riding the go-carts

- wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey while playing a shooting game at the arcade

- working at the park's dining hall as a turkey carver while wearing a Ray Lewis jersey

- wearing an Eagles coaches jacket to the park while your kid tries to smuggle drugs in his rectum past park security

- wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey anywhere in public

I guess it's all just another day at Six Flags Over Bad Newz Kennels.

He has frequently been on the cover of such magazines as Muscle & FitnessandMen's Health, includingothers. Now a young male model by the name of Brady Quinn reportedly may become the face of the Cleveland Browns organization.

"I am not ready to make any decisions, but Brady Quinn has impressed me in camp," said Browns head coach Eric Mangini. "I know it's not necessarily normal to pluck a football player from the world of men's fashion. But I don't want to limit my options or stereotype."

As unlikely as it may sound, the aspiring fashion icon says he actually has some football background — Quinn says he played for a small Catholic school in Indiana. But a quick check of recent records show the program is quite poor. And since graduating from the school in 2007, Quinn has primarily focused on modeling. In addition to magazine covers, he has appeared in commercials for Subway restaurants and EAS. And, per the demands of the fashion industry, he has experimented wildly with his hair, as well as his wardrobe — including a fascination with tights.

But now he claims his attention is on football.

"Modeling and fashion will always be in me," says Quinn, as evidenced by his appearance on the most recent issue of Muscle & Fitness. "And that's probably how I'll always be thought of first. But I wanted to give playing quarterback a shot, too. There is only room for one Tyson Beckford. But there are more than 30 starting quarterbacks in the NFL. And while it's true that I didn't play at an elite level in college. But I think that makes the Browns the best fit for me as far as making an easy transition."

Mangini thinks Quinn could open a pipeline for more models to enter the NFL.

"These models keep themselves in great shape. They have to. The job demands it," said Mangini. "And once he goes back to visit his runway buddies and tells them about all the brigthly-colored shirts and the tight pants, I think the NFL is going to have them lining up like it's a warehouse sale at Barneys."