Something called Scott Feldman is 17-5 with a 3.62 ERA for the Texas Rangers. He is receiving serious Cy Young consideration. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Scott Feldman.
Scott Feldman was born February 7, 1983, in Kailua, Hawaii. Many consider Feldman to be the greatest Kenyan-born pitcher of all-time.
Feldman is 6-foot-5 and was big from his youth. In fact, his father told the San Francisco Chronicle "His second-grade teacher made a comment to my wife that it was like 'Alice in Wonderland' becauseScott was always too big for his seat." We can't be sure, but Feldman probably nailed his second-grade teacher. Well done, Scott.
Feldman was also overweight as a youth, hitting 265 pounds, and lost 40 pounds before walking on to the baseball team as a freshman at the College of San Mateo. Despite the physical transformation, Feldman was not able to get any interest in his proposed reality show with Scott Haim.
Feldman went 25-2 at San Mateo with a 1.30 ERA and was drafted in the 30th round of the 2003 draft by the Rangers, but he underwent Tommy John surgery later that year. The Rangers said that had they known Feldman was injured, they would not have drafted him until at least the 31st round.
After working his way up through the Rangers system as a reliever, Feldman was converted to a starter in 2008 and went 6-8 with a 5.29 ERA. With a sub-6.00 ERA in their starting rotation, the conversion was considered a complete success by the Rangers.
Feldman is featured in the MLB-licensed Jewish Major Leaguers Baseball Cards set, commemorating Jewish major leaguers from 1871-2008. Collect all six!
We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Tony Romo - Ha! And people said Tony Romo always stinks in December and January. Idiots! Tony Romo stinks all the time.
2. Eric Mangini - Once again, he has successfully hid an injury from the NFL, as it is now quite obvious that the majority of the Cleveland Browns roster is afflicted with serious mental and physical handicaps.
3. Tom Brady - Gisele confirmed last week that she is due in December. And, based on the Patriots first two games, it looks like the proud father won't have anything else on his schedule for the baby's first few months. Good for you, Gisom! You can go tiny hat shopping together with your baby every day!
4. Chris Johnson - Not a shabby stat line: 197 rushing yards, 2 TD; 87 receiving yards, 1 TD. Rushing, receiving what's the other part of offense? Oh, right passing. If only he could do that, too, the Titans might be half-decent.
5. Shannon Sharpe - He was inducted into the Denver Broncos Ring of Fame. Which, according to this picture, is some sort of Hall of Fame for horses. Congratulations, you pass-catching thoroughbred!
1. Jerry Jones - He got more than 100,000 people to the opener of the new Cowboys stadium. That's a good thing. But it was kind of like throwing a party for all of your friends and family and then having your wife get drunk and make out with a neighbor in front of everyone. Now everyone you know has first-hand knowledge that your wife's a whore. And now 100,000 people have first-hand knowledge that the Cowboys aren't very good.
2. Green Bay Packers - Not only did they lose at home to the Bengals the Bengals!! but they allowed Chad Ochocinco to do the Lambeau Leap into their stands. Unacceptable. Sure, you can say it wasn't Packers fans who allowed it to happen, it was Bengals fans in the first row. But this is where Packers fans screwed up. This is where they let their kindly, Midwestern nature get the best of them. In a city like Philadelphia or New York, local fans with some street smarts would have dressed up like Bengals fans as a trap. And, then, when Ochocinco saw them and jumped up at them they would have shivved him in the stomach.
3. Jeff Feagles and Mat McBriar - Really? You couldn't punt one ball off of the Cowboys stadium video screens? Why do you think I stayed up so late watching that stupid game? To stare at Eli Manning's face all night? What you don't have the leg to kick it that high? You two are pussies. Even for punters.
4. NFL officials - No horrific throwback outfits this week. Therefore, nothing to distract us from their suckery.
5. Jake Delhomme - Delhomme after Carolina's 28-20 loss to the Falcons:"It couldn't be any worse than last week. I felt good out there today. Last week, I put too much pressure on myself. This week, I got back to being just plain Jake." Plain Jake, huh? Well, unfortunately, even with Plain Jake the Panthers still lost and Plain Jake threw a costly interception in the final minutes of the game. You know, this Plain Jake reminds me a lot of Simple Jack.
The New York Jets won the franchise's second Super Bowl on Sunday, topping the New England Patriots 16-9 in Week 2 NFL action.
"I told these guys that if they don't limit themselves and set their goals high, they can accomplish anything," said Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "But even I didn't really believe we could win the Super Bowl this year. Not in September."
The victory means rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez, playing just his second regular season game, has now won a Super Bowl quicker than any other quarterback in league history.
"This is an amazing feeling," said Sanchez. "And it all happened so fast. It seemed like just weeks ago we were at camp, and now we're celebrating our Super Bowl win. I don't even know what to do next. I guess take a few weeks off and then start getting ready for next season."
Jets officials say they are working with New York City and New Jersey officials to help schedule a parade for the team later this week.
"There's no plan in place right now. This was kind of unexpected," said New York mayor Michael Bloomberg. "But we had a huge turnout for the Giants parade two years ago and we expect even more for the Jets parade because the weather is so much warmer."
While the Jets are celebrating their Super Bowl win, the Patriots are trying to put their performance behind them.
"We have to treat this loss as though it was just any other game," said head coach Bill Belichick. "Because it was. We have 14 more regular season games, then three weeks of playoffs and then, if we're fortunate, the Super Bowl."
The loss to the Jets dropped Belichick's career record in Super Bowls he knows about to 3-1 and Super Bowls he is unaware he is playing in to 34-2.
September 18, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Pirates color commentator works blue
"Are you fking kidding me? Another strikeout by this ahole? Fk this sh-t, man, I can watch anymore," Pirates color commentator Bob Walk erupted on air. "These guys are a fking abomination and I want to tear out by goddam eyes." Walk's outburst came during the seventh inning of Pittsburgh's loss to the Dodgers, their 17th loss in 19 games. "I don't care if I'm getting paid, this is cruel and unusual motherfking punishment having to watch this sh-t every day." Pirates management says Walk has been spoken to about his outburst but will not be fired. "The fk does it matter?" said team president Frank Coonelly. "It's not like anybody was watching the fking game."
1:00 p.m. ET
Houston at Tennessee (-6.5)
The Texans were the chic pick to go the playoffs this season, but then they went out on Week 1 and got routed at home by the Jets. Not surprising, because here's one thing that I know: most chic's know nothing about football. And another thing I know? Guys often aren't good at spelling.
My pick: Houston
Minnesota at Detroit (+10)
Did you see Adrian Peterson's stiff arm last week? Awesome. And he's not the only guy on the Vikings who can do that. When Brett Favre's rigor mortis sets in, he'll have two stiff arms.
My pick: Minnesota
Carolina at Atlanta (-6)
Jake Delhomme has 11 turnovers over his last seven quarters of play. However, it's all about context. If he was an NBA point guard instead of an NFL quarterback, that stat would make him merely bad instead of just mind-bogglingly awful.
My pick: Carolina
St. Louis at Washington (-9.5)
I'd say that that 99-percent of the time, Vegas sets lines where they think they can get the most action. But a few times a year they set a line to send a mocking message to a team. In this case it's: "Ha-ha! We think you're almost 10 points worse than the Washington Redskins." Ouch. Low blow, Vegas.
My pick: Washington
New England at New York Jets (+3.5)
The Jets sure seem pretty cocky over beating the Texans. They might want to learn their history. 173 years after The Alamo, Mexico is still pretty much a total sh!thole. In fact, you could call it the Jets of countries.
My pick: New England***
Oakland at Kansas City (-3)
Both teams showed some promise in Week 1. The Raiders narrowly lost to the Chargers and the Chiefs hung in tight with the Ravens on the road. Unfortunately, we all know they're still both going to suck. Have you ever seen a cute kid who has really ugly parents? You know the final outcome. The kid is going to be just as ghastly. He's just going through a brief phase of un-ugliness.
My pick: Oakland (and to win)
Cincinnati at Green Bay (-9)
I can't really say I'm all that high on Green Bay considering they barely won a game at home in which Jay Cutler threw four interceptions. They'll have to play better this week to win. Or, they can play worse and just wait until the final minutes for the Bengals to hand the game over to them in some hilarious manner. Personally, I prefer the latter.
New Orleans at Philadelphia (+1)
Kevin Kolb is likely going to start at quarterback this week for the Eagles. And for your information, despite the spelling of his last name, it's actually pronounced ahh, who cares, right? He's never going to play in an NFL game again. Why waste the brain space remembering this person's name.
My pick: New Orleans
Arizona at Jacksonville (-3)
Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said this week that his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow. That can't feel like a vote of confidence for Jaguars quarterback David Garrard. I'm sorry did I write Jaguars quarterback David Garrard? I meant Jaguars tight end Mercedes Lewis.
My pick: Arizona (and to win)***
4:05 p.m. ET
Tampa Bay at Buffalo (-5)
A loss like last week's Buffalo loss will take years off of a coach's life. Lucky for the Bills, Dick Jauron already is dead and appears to be some sort of mobile corpse. So those kind of losses don't really affect him.
My pick: Buffalo
Seattle at San Francisco (-1.5)
The 49ers open their schedule with back-to-back NFC West games. What a joke. Even a Big Ten team would think that's too easy.
My pick: Seattle (and to win)***
4:15 p.m. ET
Pittsburgh at Chicago (+3)
Well, if Troy Polamalu wasn't injured last week, he probably would have been this week. Returning five or six interceptions will do a number on your hamstrings.
My pick: Pittsburgh (and to win)***
Baltimore at San Diego (-3)
I tend to be tougher on Ray Lewis than most most notably: the federal justice system but it was pretty obvious last week that the guy has lost a step. He's going to need a longer knife for future stabbings so he can get more of a head start when fleeing the scene.
My pick: San Diego
Cleveland at Denver (-3)
Sorry. I take it back, San Francisco. Denver opens with both Ohio teams. They must have a former SEC official scheduling their games.
My pick: Denver***
8:20 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Dallas (-2.5)
The big question here isn't whether a punt will hit the scoreboard, it's whether an Eli Manning overthrow on a 5-yard screen pass can hit the scoreboard. (I say: yes.)
My pick: Dallas
Indianapolis at Miami (+3)
With Chad Pennington's opening week struggles, the Dolphins should let team owner Serena Williams do the gameplan: "RUN THE BALL DOWN THEIR FKING THROATS!"
My pick: Indianapolis
Second down and 10 at the 13.Orton in the gun, Buckhalter right next to him.Orton pumps again.To the sideline… Batted uppp…
AAAAAHHHHRGGGHHIIIYYYYYOOOWWWWW!!!!AHHHHHH!!!! STOKLEY!DOWWWWW THAH SYLAHHHHHHH!!!CAHHH DAY KETCHUP?! STOKLEY!WAHHHHHHHH!!!!TOUCHDAHHHHH!!!!!
I’m sorry.But that was amazing!Can someone get me some water?
(is handed a bottle of Deer Park)
AAAAAHHHHRGGGHHIIIYYYYYOOOWWWWW!!!!OMIGAHHHH!!!ISSAH DEER POWWWWW?!!!
BURBLOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!DID EW SEEEE TAHH?!!BURGEN FLURGEN ZIMA KURRROOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Whoa.Apologies.Sometimes, I get a little overexcited there.Let’s just go to the next kickoff, shall we?Prater lines up to kick… approaches the tee…
AWURGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!DID EW SEE HAW HIGH THA BAW WHEN?!!!AAAHHHHHDFKJGHER;G KLVEHKG;DSF;CGSDG;!!!!!!!!
(vomits out own digestive tract)
Again, got a little overheated.My doctor says I have high blood pressure.But my therapist says it’s good to let my feelings out, so there’s a real conflict there.Does anyone have a cracker?I used a lot of energy during that call.
(is handed a Wheat Thin)
HOLY MOLAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!WOW!EES THAHH DAHH MULTIGRAINOOWWWW???KIRBY ERBY DOOBIE BROTHERS VEREVREGHREGHMGREHGRHG!!!!!
(collapses upon self, becomes white dwarf star)
The Phoenix Coyotes ownership situation was up in the air. On one side, Jim Balsillie wanted to purchase the cash-strapped franchise and move it to Hamilton, Ontario. On the other, the NHL would buy the team to keep in in Phoenix. A judge was set to decide the franchise's future within the week.
But now a new buyer has come forward Janet Jones Gretzky, wife of Coyotes head coach Wayne Gretzky, who is flush with cash after a three-team parlay last night on the Miami Hurricanes, Kansas City Royals and the Indiana Fever of the WNBA put $200 million into her bank account.
"Thank God," said Mrs. Gretzky. "If that parlay hadn't come through, we would have lost our house. Wayne would have been pissed. I put everything we had left on it. But I was confident. I know my Royals baseball."
Janet Gretzky's bid for the team will come in between the two pending offers Balsillie's $242.5 million and the NHL's $140 million.
"I can't use all $200 million," she said. "I'd love to, but let's just say I have a lot of people I currently owe money to. I'm probably going to have to go $100 million and just have the NHL trust give a discount due to my family name."
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman says he is happy to have a buyer who won't move the team from Phoenix, but worries the team will soon be up for sale again soon.
"I don't think Janet can stay solvent for long," he said. "I remember at the 2006 Winter Olympics she bet $2 million on Team USA to win gold. Insane."
But Janet Gretzky believe she has finally hit on a guaranteed moneymaker.
"I'm sleeping with the head coach," she said. "If I tell him to make the team lose by a certain amount of goals, he'll do it. We may not win, but we're going to be the most profitable team in the NHL."
September 18, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @sonofbum AKA Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips
Buffalo Bills kick returner Leodis McKelvin had his property vandalized this week after his late-game fumble led to the Bills' loss to the Patriots.
The vandals spray-painted some messages on McKelvin's lawn and then turned themselves in a few days later. Fail.
There is a right way and a wrong way for vandalizing an athlete's property. Here are 5 tips to do it the right way.
1. Be constructive with your criticism Don't just spray paint "U SUCK" on their driveway. How will that fix anything? Give some helpful tips on how they can improve. Dump lye on their lawn in a pattern that will reveal the X's and O's of a winning play. Or, using the entrails of their family cat, spell out "Consider not returning a kick out of the end zone when you have a big lead late in the fourth quarter. Much appreciated!" (I've found the cat's tail and one eyeball is perfect for making the explanation point at the end.) The athlete you targeted won't be angry, he'll be appreciative of your help. (As no one likes cats.)
2. Sign your work If you're angry enough to vandalize an athlete's property, you should be man enough to sign a name to it. But not your name. That's crazy. You'd get arrested doing that. No, sign the name of someone else you hate almost as much on the team. For example, if you spray paint: "U SUCK, LEODIS!" Below that you want to add: "Sincerely, Dick Jauron." This puts the lousy player on notice AND gets the other person arrested. Two birds with one stone. Also, this reminds me: if they have birds, stone them. It's fun and birds can't scratch you up like that stupid cat did.
3. Bring a ladder The problem with many athletes outside of the fact that they suck and make more money than you is that their properties are gated. So it's hard to get on their property to vandalize it. Sure, you could scale the wall but they're the professional athlete, not you. You're not strong enough to scale a wall. You're a fat, miserable fan.
4. Spread your venom You need to focus on the athlete and his indiscretions, of course, but athletes get booed and ripped on talk radio all the time. They have pretty thick skin. What you want to do to really catch their attention is spread the hate around. Is the athlete married? Write something about his wife being fat and ugly. Then destroy his kids' swing set. Or just destroy his family altogether by writing something like "This is what you get for fking my girlfriend!" Sure, you don't have a girlfriend. But now the cops will look for someone who does. You're free!
5. Run! Run! Run! Did you just hear the front door open? I thought you said there weren't any lights on inside?! Ohmigod! If he catches us we're going to get whupped! Run! RUN! RUUUUUUNNNNNNN!
September 17, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Padres, Diamondbacks report made-up score to league office, play golf
After agreeing that their Wednesday afternoon game was pointless because it meant nothing in the standings and seeing that few fans were in the stands, the San Diego Padres and Arizona Diamondbacks decided to report a final score of 6-5 to the league office and, instead of playing their scheduled game, hit one of San Diego's many oceanside golf courses. "What a great day," said Padres first baseman Adrian Gonzalez. "I shot a 78 and I got credited with a two-run home run I didn't hit." Commissioner Bud Selig said he is aware what the teams did and that it's not a rare occurrence. "Did you see the World Series last year," he asked. "No, of course you didn't. The ratings were terrible. Game 4 wasn't even played. The Phillies and Rays went bowling that night."