News SI: From The Vault
Taking a look at old Sports Illustrated covers
Jordan's My Name, Gambling's My Game // Michael Jordan eyes his next career
Despite the support shown this afternoon at a mandatory 9th period pep rally for the school's varsity football team, students at Lakeview High School admit that they really hope the team loses tomorrow night preferably in an embarrassing fashion.
"Everyone on the football team is a total prick," said junior Nick Lamade. "And I'm not exaggerating. Every one of of them. Coaches, too. I couldn't root against them more."
"I know some of their offense because I played JV," said senior Jason Farrior. "I send my old playbook to the opposing team each week before the game. Every little bit helps, I say."
And while Lakeview students say unanimously in private that they root vigorously against their Lions, that sentiment couldn't seem less true at the pep rallies themselves, which feature loud cheering and enthusiastic support.
"If we don't clap and yell and cheer along with the stupid cheers, we get in trouble," said Sarah Shulman. "I don't want to get detention, so I cheer. The teachers make us. Although they all hate the football team, too."
That's true, say all the teachers.
"Most definitely," says English teacher Thomas Landry. "The football players disrupt class every day and they're basically just aholes. Yet the administration lets them get away with everything because they play football. Unbelievable. But I make my other students cheer at the pep rally. It's an order from the principal. But it also allows me to teach my English classes about irony."
And while every Lakeview student dislikes the football team, some do more than others. Most notably, the soccer, golf and volleyball teams.
"Last year the football team went 5-6 and every one of their games was treated around here like it was the Super Bowl," said Tim Curtis, senior captain of the soccer team. "Yet we went 17-3 and made it to the state semis and nothing. At the pep rallies they have us sit together and then before they spend 20 minutes on the football team, the principal says: 'And let's not forget all the guys and girls on the soccer, volleyball and golf teams. They deserve our support, too.' That's it."
Head football coach Rick Davis says the "obvious" support of the student body and faculty is a huge confidence boost for his team.
"Football is integral for the success and morale of any high school," he says. "When my squad takes the field, they know they have the hopes of the entire community riding on them. They don't take that responsibility lightly. And they appreciate the support."
September 23, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Sports hernias considered way cooler than marching band hernias
While sports hernias are becoming increasingly common among athletes, many orthopedists claim another common hernia – the marching band hernia – is being drastically underreported.“The cool kids get sports hernias. But no kids want to get marching band hernias,” said Dr. Michael Bentley. “And if they do get them, they won’t go to the doctor to get them fixed. So they’ll walk around in pain pain further aggravated by the atomic wedgies they receive with great regularity in their day-to-day lives.”Many marching band hernias are caused by the lifting of heavy instruments such as the tuba, while other marching band hernias come simply from the soft, muscle-free abdominal walls of the music geeks simply giving way from actions as tame as breathing or not kissing the opposite sex.“While marching band hernias are very unpopular among kids, they are actually seen as much cooler than glee club hernias,” said Dr. Bentley. “I refuse to treat kids with glee club hernias. If they are seen entering my practice, none of the cool sports hernia kids will ever come back.”
BEAVERTON, ORE. > Volleyball
Maggie, 17, a senior at Westlake High, was named District 7 Player of the Week after recording 37 kills in back-to-back games victories against rival Bishop Reilly Prep. Woodley then posted 45 kills in what was supposed to be a friendly family game of volleyball at the Woodley Family reunion on Saturday in Portland, breaking her Uncle Don's nose on one particularly vicious spike. "You're a real bitch, you know that, Maggie?" Uncle Don yelled, blood running down his chin. "This is supposed to be a fun game. Respect your elders!" Woodley has accepted a volleyball scholarship to UCLA where she will study criminal justice and hopes to one day put away her Uncle Don, who touched her inappropriately once when she was 11.
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The Mets may be off to one of their worst starts to a season in franchise history at 65-87, but the team is looking to put that behind them as quickly as possible and get back into contention by the end of the season.
"Every team wants to get out of the gate fast," said manager Jerry Manuel. "That obviously didn't happen for us this year. But I think we showed the last few seasons that it's more important how you finish than how you start."
With that goal in mind, the Mets have looked to be putting the sluggish first five and a half months of the season behind them, winning two of their last four. Although they have dropped the last two.
"That's okay," said Manuel. "You can't get it all back at once. We dug ourselves a 150-game hole. It will take a while to climb back out. I'm just glad to see the team is out there playing hard. This is a talented bunch. The results will come in time."
If and when those results do arrive, the Mets will be peaking at the right time thanks to a bevy of players ready to come off the disabled list and help their World Series push.
"In a way, our poor start actually gives us an advantage over all the other teams," says general manager Omar Minaya. "They're coasting into the playoffs and we're already in the playoff mindset, plus many of our currently injured players will be fresh come October. I am excited about where we are. I know that might sound crazy."
Especially because the Mets were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention 10 days ago.
"That is negative thinking," says Manuel. "Champions don't think that way."
Frankie Walker, a horrible backup shortstop for the Class A Visalia Oaks, was praised today by his manager and teammates for being good at all the little, inconsequential things that, taken together, are a poor barometer of whether or not someone is actually a good baseball player.
“Oh, Frankie’s a real gamer, “ said Oaks manager Dan Felton of his putrid protégée.“He hustles to first base on every ground ball, which he hits a lot of.He studies tape.He keeps notes on every pitcher.He’ll slide in at an angle to break up the double play.His does all the little things perfectly.It’s just the big things – like hitting, running, and throwing – where he blows.And I mean really blows, like a Dutch whore.”
“You talk about a guy who works hard,” said Oaks right fielder JaJuan Hodge.“Frankie’s always the first one here, talking with the coaches about working pitch counts, honing his swing.His level of detail incredible.If only he weren’t so small, and weak, and useless.”
Walker, whose inability to hit the ball borders on the comedic, has become a fan favorite among the Visalia faithful for his take-no-prisoners approach to the game.
“You can just see how much the game means to him, “ said season ticket holder Henry Caron.“One time, I saw him barrel right into the catcher at home.He was out by mile, because he’s slower than death.But still, what scrappiness!”
“He does a lot of things that don’t show up on the stat sheet,” said Felton of Walker, who is currently batting .098 and hasn’t driven in a run since June 19th.“If there was a stat for courage to take inside pitches, you can bet Frankie would lead the league in it.It’s just a shame that what does show up on the stat sheet – home runs, RBI’s, runs – are really all that matters.I almost wish we could get rid of crucial game elements like hitting and catching, so that a guy like Frankie could truly flourish in our league.”
Many also went out of their way to praise Walker, who is terrible at his job and should be fired, for being a good person.
“We’re lucky to have him," wrote Oaks beat writer Tom Maxon.“You spend five minutes with him, and you learn so much about the game.But you also learn about yourself as a person.He’s someone who believes in family, and personal accountability.He’s a great husband and Christian.I think Frankie will be a great manager one day, so long as he is not a player-manager.”
“Frankie plays the game the right way,” said Felton, “he just doesn’t play it very well.If I weren’t so blinded by his terrific work ethic, I’d cut his ass on the spot.”
This is video of Polk County, Florida law enforcement officials storming a home in their fair country.
I don't have much of an opinion either way on selling hard drugs to our youth. But stacking one TV on top of another? I hope this guy got some serious jail time. TV stacking is sooooooo redneck.
Nice celebration at the end there, lady officer. You are a credit to law enforcement and the American justice system.
Bowling legend Pete Weber salutes you.
September 22, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Game not played in high-def
Last night's Rangers-A's gamedisappointed many fans of both teams when Fox Sports Net did not broadcast it in high-definition, but the network claims an HD broadcast was not possible because the game was not played in high-def.“I knew something seemed a little off,” said Rangers manager Ron Washington. “I thought maybe my prescription had gone bad or that my eyes were tired. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately.” Oakland manager Bob Geren was also thankful for the explanation. "Everything was getting blurry, going dim," he said. "I was afraid managing the A's was killing me. It still might. Just not today."
Yes, Serena Williams just signed an endorsement contract with Tampax Tampons.
Here's the first ad of the campaign. Well, it's a draft. But I think it's effective.
Because I am terrified.
In fact, I am going to buy some Tampax tampons right now and I don't even have a vagina.