News

1:00 p.m. ET

Washington at Detroit (+6)

It seems every sportswriter is picking the Lions to win this game. Well, I would definitely not hope for such a thing. If the Lions finally win a game, who am I going to make fun of whenever I'm in a jam for material? I may as well just fold the site.

My pick: Washington

Green Bay at St. Louis (+6.5)

The Rams have looked absolutely horrendous in their first two games. But general manager Bill Devaney says he still has full confidence in head coach Steve Spagnuolo. Not that that's surprising. Devaney has always been a total spag hag.

My pick: Green Bay

San Francisco at Minnesota (-7)

Brett Favre could be in trouble this week going up against Mike Singletary and his giant cross. Assuming, of course, that Brett Favre is a vampire. I'm not big into vampires, but I know Favre can't be killed and that he's disgustingly pale. Also, I think vampires can transform into bats and I would like to beat Brett Favre with a bat. Pretty convincing, no?

My pick: San Francisco

Atlanta at New England (-4)

Speaking of vampires, the Falcons have a chance to really drive a steak through the heart of the Patriots in this game. And, yes, I meant "steak," not "stake." Well, to be honest, I misspelled it when I first wrote it, but I'm not going to go back and fix it because I don't care for my laptop judging me. And really, wouldn't it be cooler to watch someone get a steak shoved through their heart anyway? Yes. The answer is yes.

My pick: Atlanta

Tennessee at New York Jets (-3)

Last week Rex Ryan robo-called Jets fans and told them the team needed their loud support against the Patriots. The Jets won. Also last week, Jeff Fisher robo-called Titans fans and fist-pumped into the phone. The Titans lost. Lesson learned: vigorous fist-pumping just doesn't translate well over the phone.

My pick: New York Jets

Kansas City at Philadelphia (-9)

Ha-ha, Chiefs. You are picked to lose by 9 points to a team quarterbacked by Kevin Kolb. Ohhhhhhhhh, Vegas snap!

My pick: Philadelphia***

New York Giants at Tampa Bay (+6.5)

Tampa Bay's only hope in this game? Distract Eli Manning with their big, cartoonish pirate ship. "Ooh! Mommy, I want to play! Wheeeeee!"

My pick: New York Giants

Cleveland at Baltimore (-13)

It must suck for Cleveland to get crushed by the city that stole their team. But probably not as much as it sucks for Baltimore fans knowing that Peyton Manning now holds the Colts all-time record for touchdown passes and not Johnny Unitas. Suck it, Baltimore.

My pick: Baltimore***

Jacksonville at Houston (-3.5)

When it comes to my fantasy team, Steve Slaton has dropped his pants and crapped all over me. (You know, if you take away the word "team" from the preceding sentence, it really changes the meaning.)

My pick: Houston

4:05 p.m. ET

New Orleans at Buffalo (+6)

In an article on Friday in USA Today, Terrell Owens says he has been "unfairly criticized." I can't tell you much beyond that. Because, like most articles in USA Today, it was only two words long.

My pick: New Orleans

Chicago at Seattle (+2)

The Bears are coming off of a big win over the defending Super Bowl champions. If Jay Cutler can work through his celebration-induced hangover by Sunday evening (unlikely), I think they can make it two wins in a row.

My pick: Chicago

4:15 p.m. ET

Miami at San Diego (-6)

The Dolphins are desperate for a win after blowing Monday's night game to the Colts to fall to 0-2. If they can keep it close, I think they can win. Because late in the game you can always count on Norv Turner doing something like running a 4-inch, 11-ounce running back up the middle on 4th-and-2.

My pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (+4)

The Bengals could easily be 2-0. And the Steelers could be 0-2. Or the Bengals could be 0-2 and the Steelers could be 2-0. Or, the final option: they both could be 1-1, as they currently are. Yay! Number permutations are fun! Tune in next week when we can do it all the way up to three! Awesome.

My pick: Pittsburgh

Denver at Oakland (+2)

JaMarcus Russell was 7-for-24 last week for 109 yards. And the Raiders won the game. For the season, he is 19-for-52 — a .352 percentage. If you fold the American Football Conference into the American League, Russell is currently 19 points below Joe Mauer.

My pick: Denver

8:20 p.m. ET

Indianapolis at Arizona (-2.5)

On the flip side, Kurt Warner was 27-for-29 last week. And the two he missed were just throwaways to Jesus as a tithe.

My pick: Arizona

Monday night

Carolina at Dallas (-8.5)

Jake Delhomme. Tony Romo. In primetime. With the whole nation watching. Brilliant bit of scheduling by ESPN. Think of all the ad dollars they'll bring in every time they go to commercial when a turnover causes a change of possession.

My pick: Carolina

Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver announced today that his team will wear a new blue and orange alternate jersey for the remainder of the season. Each jersey will also have the number 15 on it and the name "TEBOW" on the back.

"Many teams do throwback jerseys," said Weaver. "But our franchise hasn't been around very long. Our jersey is the same. I'm kind of looking at this as the first throw-ahead jersey. Well, hopefully."

As the Jaguars continue to fail to draw fans to their home games or generate much interest at all in north Florida, Weaver has recently expressed a desire to draft the Florida Gators star in a move he hopes will create a fan base for his team.

Current Jaguars quarterback David Garrard says he is not surprised by the move to the alternate Tebow jerseys.

"Wayne has been on this big Tebow push for weeks," says Garrard. "He'll call me at all hours of the day and say: 'Hey, David. What do you think about playing quarterback a bit more Tebow-y?' And I'll ask him what he means by 'Tebow-y.' And he says: 'You know … awesome.'"

While reaction to the new jersey among Jaguars players is mixed, at best, Weaver says he has already noticed a huge increase in ticket sales for the next home game.

"We got three calls for single-game tickets before lunch today," he said. "One time, our receptionist even had to put someone on hold! That's never happened for us before. I'm even considering getting a second phone line in our ticket sales department."

Jacksonville's opponents also expect a noticeable change.

"I told my team that they don't look very good on film," said Gary Kubiak, head coach of the Texans, Jacksonville's next opponent. "But when they all take the field in those Tebow jerseys, they're going to be very intimidating. And they'll have God on their side, too."

Garrard, who says he realizes his days are probably numbered in Jacksonville, will try to be a good employee and grant his boss' wishes to play more "Tebow-y."

"I guess it can't hurt, you know?" says Garrard. "Tebow does win. But I'm not, under any circumstances, doing that jump-pass thing of his. That is beyond gay. I do have some self-respect."

In a last ditch effort to curry support for Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, President Obama recently sent a letter to targeted IOC members. SportsPickle has obtained a copy of the first draft. The final copy is bolded.

- – - –

Dear IOC:

I deeply appreciate the tremendous work of the Olympic Movement and wish to convey my strong support for Chicago 2016.

Around the world, from Kenya to Hawaii, sports play a vital role in filling athletic young people with hope — young people who are fans of the Chicago Cubs excluded — providing a foundation for respect, and leading nations toward greater friendship* and excellence. (Please don't quote me on that last part, as my critics will try to say I am advocating a one-world government.)

*Just think: the modern Olympics have been around for a little more than 100 years and there haven't been ANY wars since then. LOL!

I have seen the transformative power of the Olympic Games to unite men and women (or even man-women … hello, Caster Semanya! LOL) across all boundaries, and I hold the missions of the Olympic Movement in the highest esteem. For this reason, all requisite bribes to the IOC and IOC officials for the Chicago 2016 effort will come from parties outside the White House.

That is why I have been committed to Chicago 2016 since the launch of the bid in 2006. The City of Chicago is designed to host global celebrations — we had a WORLD Series parade recently! — and it will deliver a spectacular experience for one and all — excluding, hopefully, terrorists. However, it is not the quality of the setting or the experience alone that compels me to recommend Chicago to you. And let me be perfectly clear: it is the City of Chicago we are talking about, not Illinois. Don't let what you've heard about Illinois — most of it probably true — sway your decision. Chicago is way nicer.

I also believe that Chicago 2016 offers the United States (U-S-A! U-S-A!) and the International Olympic Committee a unique chance to collaborate on sport development and build a better future for young people everywhere. As President, I see the 2016 Olympic and Paralympic Games (<—- feel free to host these elsewhere) as an extraordinary opportunity for America to renew our bonds of friendship and imperialism and welcome the world to our shores with open arms, preceded, of course, by extensive paperwork and body cavity searches at security checkpoints at customs.

If you honor Chicago with your selection, we will ensure that the Olympic and Paralympic Games (<—- again, I'm not big on the Special Olympians, so no problem if you want to send this elsewhere) are a key priority to our Nation. We have already established a White House Office of Olympic, Paralympic and Youth Sport to serve the Games, and you can count on our government to support Chicago's quest to host an unforgettable event (prospective Opening Ceremonies speaker: Ozzie Guillen! He can say F—K in 14 different languages!) and strengthen the Olympic Movement.

As a member of the International Olympic Committee, the work you do is invaluable to all of us who are committed to building a better world via Hope-n-Change and all that crap. Thank you for your enduring contributions to youth sport and the Olympic Movement. I believe we have an historic opportunity to do great things together, and I look forward to discussing that opportunity with you, if not in Copenhagen, then soon thereafter if Chicago is your choice. But preferably in Copenhagen because, well … have you ever been to the Alexandria section? Good times there, my friends. Good time. That would go a long way towards taking the edge off the toughest job in the world, you know?

Sincerely,

President Barack Obama

PS – Don't forget: we still have the bomb. A lot of them. And if that doesn't frighten you, I will send Michelle to personally f—k you up. I'm not joking. You know she could.

By Jim Spetzko, Local Baseball Fan

Hey, Mike!Mikey!I gotta piss!You gotta piss?Let’s piss together!At the stadium urinal trough!And let’s talk while we do it!Let’s talk CRAZY LOUD AND SHIT!

It’s gonna be awesome!I can tell you how many beers I’ve had!I’VE HAD AT LEAST FIVE!I’VE GOT A BUZZ!LET’S GET MORE, SO THAT WE CAN BE MORE BUZZED!CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH BEERS COST HERE?LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH THE BEER COST!

Let’s stand right next to each other at the trough and talk louder than anyone else in the bathroom, so that people know we’re having a good time!I can check other scores on my Blackberry and then relay those scores to you!Dude, the Yankees are up by five!THEY ARE PLAYING SOME SICK BALL RIGHT NOW!

Oh, man.There aren’t two adjacent open spots at the urinal trough!Let’s piss on opposite sides of the trough and STILL TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!Let’s be so loud that anyone trying to urinate between us gets stagefright and can’t piss at all until we leave!Let’s see if we can make their bladders shrink to the size of a golf ball!BRO, I GOTTA TELL YOU ABOUT THIS CHICK I BANGED LAST NIGHT!HER FATHER’S DEAD AND THAT MADE THE SEXY CRAZY GOOD!

Hey, here comes our third loud friend!And he has to piss too!Let’s finish pissing and then linger behind him while he pisses and yells back at us over his shoulder!That way, people still trying to piss at the stadium trough will still be unable to function!At all!Let’s see if their excretory systems eventually explode, flooding us all in a pool of blood and urine!They’re probably hoping we won’t notice that they can’t piss.LET’S POINT THAT OUT TO THEM SO IT TAKES THEM EVEN LONGER TO GET THEIR URINE FLOWING!HEY BUDDY, YOU KNITTING A SWEATER OVER THERE?!

Let’s get nachos and hang out in here the rest of the game!I’M IN NO HURRY OF ANY SORT!I’M FINE WITH EXITING THE BATHROOM MORE SLOWLY THAN A SLUG CHOPPED IN HALF!THIS IS A GREAT TIME!

I THINK I HAVE TO PISS AGAIN!

Taking a look at old Sports Illustrated covers …

Jordan's My Name, Gambling's My Game // Michael Jordan eyes his next career

Despite the support shown this afternoon at a mandatory 9th period pep rally for the school's varsity football team, students at Lakeview High School admit that they really hope the team loses tomorrow night — preferably in an embarrassing fashion.

"Everyone on the football team is a total prick," said junior Nick Lamade. "And I'm not exaggerating. Every one of of them. Coaches, too. I couldn't root against them more."

"I know some of their offense because I played JV," said senior Jason Farrior. "I send my old playbook to the opposing team each week before the game. Every little bit helps, I say."

And while Lakeview students say unanimously in private that they root — vigorously — against their Lions, that sentiment couldn't seem less true at the pep rallies themselves, which feature loud cheering and enthusiastic support.

"If we don't clap and yell and cheer along with the stupid cheers, we get in trouble," said Sarah Shulman. "I don't want to get detention, so I cheer. The teachers make us. Although they all hate the football team, too."

That's true, say all the teachers.

"Most definitely," says English teacher Thomas Landry. "The football players disrupt class every day and they're basically just a—holes. Yet the administration lets them get away with everything … because they play football. Unbelievable. But I make my other students cheer at the pep rally. It's an order from the principal. But it also allows me to teach my English classes about irony."

And while every Lakeview student dislikes the football team, some do more than others. Most notably, the soccer, golf and volleyball teams.

"Last year the football team went 5-6 and every one of their games was treated around here like it was the Super Bowl," said Tim Curtis, senior captain of the soccer team. "Yet we went 17-3 and made it to the state semis and … nothing. At the pep rallies they have us sit together and then before they spend 20 minutes on the football team, the principal says: 'And let's not forget all the guys and girls on the soccer, volleyball and golf teams. They deserve our support, too.' That's it."

Head football coach Rick Davis says the "obvious" support of the student body and faculty is a huge confidence boost for his team.

"Football is integral for the success and morale of any high school," he says. "When my squad takes the field, they know they have the hopes of the entire community riding on them. They don't take that responsibility lightly. And they appreciate the support."

MAGGIE WOODLEY

BEAVERTON, ORE. > Volleyball

Maggie, 17, a senior at Westlake High, was named District 7 Player of the Week after recording 37 kills in back-to-back games victories against rival Bishop Reilly Prep. Woodley then posted 45 kills in what was supposed to be a friendly family game of volleyball at the Woodley Family reunion on Saturday in Portland, breaking her Uncle Don's nose on one particularly vicious spike. "You're a real bitch, you know that, Maggie?" Uncle Don yelled, blood running down his chin. "This is supposed to be a fun game. Respect your elders!" Woodley has accepted a volleyball scholarship to UCLA where she will study criminal justice and hopes to one day put away her Uncle Don, who touched her inappropriately once when she was 11.