Tiger Woods has won the FedEx Cup, which is like the Sprint Cup of golf, if you consider the Sprint Cup to be the Lombardi Trophy of NASCAR. Or something like that.
Either way, the 2009 PGA Tour season is officially at a close.
Here are some of the highlights you may have missed.
The highest winning score in PGA Tour history 98-over par wins the Syracuse Open as players struggle with greens covered in 14 inches of snow.
Despite passing all required blood and urine tests, John Daly is suspended by the PGA Tour for the obvious use of illegal drugs.
Phil Mickelson wins the $1.4 million purse at the World Golf Championship and admits the purse makes him "feel pretty."
Some guy you never heard of wins at Augusta and you fall asleep while watching the Masters, a tradition of yours you consider unlike any other.
The Tour makes a three-stop swing through Texas and CBS broadcaster Jim Nantz takes the opportunity to visit several of his favorite Mexican brothels.
Lucas Glover wins the US Open, a victory that will forever be asterisked because Tiger Woods didn't win it.
Stewart Cink wins the British Open Championship at Royal Dingleberry in Scotland.
Tiger Woods loses a fourth round lead at the PGA Championship, thanks to missing numerous short putts. However, on one missed putt, he sets a career best for longest profanity, screaming: "Supercalifuckuliciousekspiallassholelidocious!"
No one really has any idea what happened in golf in September. Football started.
September 29, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Report: Khloe Kardashian disappointed Lamar Odom's penis is smaller than hers
One day after marrying Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom, reality star Khloe Kardashian has reportedly told close friends that she was shocked and disappointed to discover that Odom's penis is actually much smaller than hers. "I guess she expected to see something better than what she lugs around every day," said a source close to Kardashian. The sister of Kim and Kourtney Kardashian reportedly waits to have sex with anyone she considers to be a possible serious partner. "She doesn't want them to judge her for her man parts," said the source. But Odom seems to have no regrets. "She lifted me up in her strong arms and carried me across the threshold as I nuzzled in close to her Adam's apple," Odom said of their wedding night. "It was magical."
Hey there, baseball fans!It’s just about October, and if you’re like me, you are EXCITED.That means the World Series is going to be played soon.There are other months, like May, in which the World Series is NOT played.And so I look forward to October, because that is when the World Series is played.They did play the Series once back in 1803, when then-commissioner Earl “Shorty” Robinson moved the Series to January due to the Spanish-American War.But, in general, October is when the World Series is usually played.
And I know it’s our slogan at FOX, but I think it is appropriate to say again that you cannot script October!Other months, like September, have been scripted and shot into feature length films.Woody Allen, who is a famous director of movies, lives in New York City, made a film called “September” that was scripted.But that has yet to occur with October.
Anyway, the reason they say that you cannot script October is because all of the baseball games are played live.They are not scripted in advance.Back in 1245, White Stockings manager Timmy “The Tim” Raymond attempted to script his player’s at bats.But he soon realized that he could NOT control which pitches the opposing team’s pitcher chose to pitch.And so even THAT October was unscripted.How about that?
I’m really looking forward to this year’s playoffs because I want to see if the New York Yankees will come out as the best team in baseball.Many times, the team with the best record in baseball does NOT win the World Series, and therefore cannot be called the best team.You can have the second best record in baseball, and STILL win the World Series.That is the sort of thing you find out when the game is played in October.
Also, the Philadelphia Phillies will be in the playoffs this year.The Phillies, as you know, won the World Series LAST year.But that does not necessarily mean they will win the World Series THIS year.That is because these games are NEW, and have yet to be played.Ryan Howard is what we call a slugger.Because he hits the ball with the same kind of force a BOXER might use while slugging someone.Babe Ruth, also a slugger.
Ooh, a glass of water!What’s interesting about water is that it can be used for both drinking AND bathing.Many baseball players drink water during the game.Others do not.That’s known as a superstition, which is when someone employs a technique and/or talisman to ward off bad luck.Ha ha, maybe Ryan Howard drinks water so that the Phillies WILL repeat.But that is NOT what the Dutch call a fait accompli, because October cannot be scripted.
Until it’s over, and then it can probably be made into some sort of TRANSscript.
You know, friends, I once had sex with a TRANSvestite. It was after a few drinks during a layover at the Milwaukee airport. 1993, I think. He was a pretty lady. Good people in Milwaukee. He/she reminded me of Catfish Hunter in a way. This sexual encounter with a transvestite was also not scripted. Because it just so happened to occur in October. And because I had never been with a transvestite and didn't quite know how to manipulate a penis other than my own. But it was fun.
Just like October.
Which is unscripted.
As am I. Andyou.Especially if you are alive in the month of October, a month I consider to be the most unscripted of months.
ADD: Vernon Davis, TE, 49ers Davis was viewed as a bit of a project when San Francisco selected him with the No. 6 overall pick in the 2006 NFL Draft. It appears that project may finally be nearing completion. Davis, now a team captain on the 49ers, had 7 catches for 96 yards and 2 TDs Sunday against the Vikings. Pick him up now before numbers like that become the norm.I have a feeling Vernon Davis is about to explode.
While before he only got two-second cameos in videos by the likes of Ron Artest. (Fast-forward to 1:25. And don't blink)
soon he may earn himself three or even four-second cameos in the videos of more accomplished rappers. Like, say Shaquille O'Neal.
Or, who knows, maybe Ron Artest will devote an entire song to him, a la his ode to Michael Jackson:
Vernon, Vernon, Vernon you my fantasy tight end
They running you on a fly
Vernon I know that you'll catch it, know that you'll score it
I try to win. I try to win, I try to win, I try to win.
Every center in football has one job: snap the ball cleanly to his quarterback and then pick up his blocking assignment. But Carolina Panthers center Ryan Kalil says he has decided he has a more important role on the team.
"I am the only one who can keep the ball out of Jake Delhomme's hands," says Kalil. "And if we can keep the ball out of Jake Delhomme's hands, this team can be successful."
Delhomme had six turnovers in Carolina's home playoff loss last January to the Arizona Cardinals. He then turned the ball over five more times in Carolina's opener this season and has had three more interceptions in two additional losses as Carolina has fallen to 0-3.
"Maybe they're not all Jake's fault," said Kalil. "But all I know is that I snap the ball to him, block for a second or two, look up and the other team has the ball. I mean, there's a pretty consistent element to all of these turnovers: me giving the ball to Jake Delhomme."
And it's a fact that has been tearing Kalil apart inside.
"I know people who have struggled with addiction," he says. "More often than not, they got to where they are because someone along the way enabled them. I am enabling Jake by snapping him the ball. If I stop doing that, he can get better. And we can win again. I am glad I have finally come to this realization. The power is in my hands."
While it will be on Kalil to follow through on his pledge to keep the ball away from his quarterback, he says he has a full network of support to fall back on.
"Other guys on the teams have been encouraging me to do this for weeks," he says. "Years even, when it comes to Steve Smith."
Head coach John Fox is also on-board with the plan, and thinks it will have positive results.
"Sure, we are going to get constant delay of game penalties," he said. "And that's not ideal. But I'll take being backed way up on my own side of the field over throwing interceptions that are returned for six points. I'll choose that every day. It's not even a hard decision."
Two quarters of poor execution, poor play-calling and a lack of intensity was enough.
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” said Keith Morris. “The Raiders shouldn’t have even been close to me, let alone leading at the half. I really let myself have it.”
Morris, playing as his beloved San Diego Chargers on Madden NFL 10, coasted through the first six games of the season, beating the computer by an average of 34 points. But Sunday he found himself trailing the lowly Raiders 13-3 at halftime.
“I’d love to say that the computer was outplaying me or that the computer was cheating,” he said. “But that simply wasn’t the case. I was beating myself. I wasn’t concentrating, I wasn’t taking the game seriously and you can’t do that at the All-Madden level and expect to win.”
Morris’ first half was marred by play-calling that was either overly aggressive (going for it on 4th-and-4 at his own 38-yard line) or too predictable (running his trusty wide receiver screen play three plays in a row, leading to a three-and-out). Many passes were thrown downfield into coverage when safer options for fewer yards were available. And on defense he was trying too hard for sacks and interceptions, giving up big play after big play.
“I thought it would be an easy win and I wanted to embarrass them and pad my stat totals,” he said. “Well, I was the one who got embarrassed. Also, I think my concentration was hurt by the fact that I was eating dinner and texting back and forth with my girlfriend.”
But faced with a 10-point deficit at the half, his assumption of a perfect season on the ropes, Morris took a look in the mirror.
“I took a leak, washed my hands and looked up and saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror,” he said. “And I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t like what I had become. I saw a loser. I saw someone considering pressing the reset button. So I gave myself a talking to. Tensions were high, but everything stayed under control. I mainly just told myself that I was better than what I showed, and that I had to go back out into the living room and prove it – and whatever happens happens, but no hitting reset.”
His passion reignited – and his sandwich finished – Morris concentrated and executed through a textbook, three-minute scoring drive to open the third quarter and close the gap to 13-10. He then came up with a stop on defense, turned that into another seven points and was well on his way to a victory with a comfortable final score of 34-20.
“These are the games that championship teams win,” said Morris. “I’m proud of myself. And I’m proud of the tiny digital men I control. I couldn’t do it without them.”
Hi, this is Brady Quinn, quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. But you may know me better from Notre Dame, or from my Subway or EAS commercials.
Either way, you know me and that means you know my muscles, too. They're huge. And you don't get muscles this big without working out. Hard.
Today's workout? The bench.
Follow these tips and soon enough you'll be as good on the bench as I am.
5 BENCH TIPS by Brady Quinn
Step 1 Stretch!
Stretching is an important part of any workout. I like to play two quarters of a football game to stretch. Sometimes I play more, but usually I am pulled after two quarters and sent to the bench.
Step 2 Work those biceps and triceps!
The Cleveland Browns are not much of a team. Most of us hate each other. We fight all the time. Constant losing does that to a team, you know? So when I get sent to the bench, my teammates usually mock me with stuff like: "Hey, Brady, which way to the bench?" My response? "The bench is thattaway!" When delivering the line, start with a strong bicep curl and then extend the arm to point to the bench, working your triceps.
Step 3 Blast your quads!
Now it's time to sit on the bench. Spread your legs about shoulder-width apart and sit back and down onto the bench. Recline slowly to really burn your quads, as this will be only one repetition you'll be here on the bench the rest of the day, unfortunately.
Step 4 Focus on your core!
Strong core muscles are the key to any fit body. Once you are sitting on the bench, you'll want to lean forward and and put your head in your hands to show your disappointment about sucking. Make sure to contract your abs when doing this. Then, after a few minutes, sit back up straight. Contract your lower back muscles to do this move. Next, just wait a minute or two for your teammates to do something embarrassing on the field and contract those abs again down to shamed head-holding. You will do this move an indefinite amount of times each game. You'll have a six-pack by midseason!
Step 5 Don't forget cardio!
Too many bodybuilders forget about cardio. Not only is cardio good for your health and your heart, it's imperative to getting really cut. I do my cardio at the end of my bench workout. You should do the same. If the game is over, it's time to get up off the bench and run into the locker room. Need extra motivation to hit top speed? Listen to the crowd.
"You suck, Brady!"
"I hate you, Browns! I hate you with all my heart!"
"You look like a horse, Quinn!"
Run! Run! Run away from these mean people!
September 28, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Lions fan still unemployed despite Lions victory
Some 24 hours after the Detroit Lions won their first game in nearly two years, Lions fan and Detroit resident Jason Stepanko woke up in the middle of the afternoon still feeling pretty unemployed. "The win cheered me up for about five minutes," said Stepanko. "Then I realized how pathetic it was that my life is so much in the toilet right now that a bunch of guys who I've never met beating a bunch of other guys who I've never met at a sport I've never played was the highlight of the past few months of my life. That just made me more depressed." Stepanko says he then used the bulk of his latest unemployment check to get drunk, causing him to pass out and oversleep, missing a job interview this morning the first interview he's had in three weeks. "If they had lost like normal, this never would have happened," he said. "The Lions always manage to screw me somehow."
We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Joe Namath - Mark Sanchez keeps getting compared to you. Here's the only thing: Mark Sanchez appears to be good, whereas you pretty much sucked except for that one year you got drunk and guaranteed a Super Bowl victory. Look at your career win-loss record: 62-63-4. Career completion percentage: 50.1. Career touchdowns to interceptions: 173 to 220. If Mark Sanchez truly is the "next Joe Namath," as everyone is saying, the Jets should just go ahead and cut him now. Or, Joe Namath, you could keep encouraging this comparison, because you're the one benefitting from it. No crap quarterback has had his legacy edited so greatly since Olivia Manning squeezed out a couple of misproportioned Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- After scoring on a six-yard run in the first quarter against the Buccaneers, Giants RB Brandon Jacobs pointed at the Tampa Bay sideline and then simulated having sex with the ball. I don't know if any of the Tampa Bay players are gay, but it's still probably flattering to know that Brandon Jacobs wants to do it with them.
3. Terrell Owens No catches for the first time in 185 games. Who cares. When you respond to Rodney Harrison criticizing you on NBC by calling him out for being a 'roid head, you are a winner.
4. Jim Zorn - He lost to the Lions. So what? He's going to get fired. So what? Jim Zorn has become immortal. ZORN is the new ZING, at least when it comes to football. Want to deliver a one-liner about your friend's favorite team? Emphasize it with a ZORN! "Hey, Jeff, Cedric Benson barreled through there like a runaway boat. ZORN!" Vince Lombardi won't live on like this. ZORN makes people laugh. You yell out LOMBARDI and people are going to think you want them to run laps. Advantage: Jim Zorn.
5. Detroit Lions fans Look who was kind enough to sign autographs before the game! Why, it's Mr. Tom Cruise! A real celebrity! In Detroit! Not like one of those fake non-celebrities like Kid Rock. Pretty cool. Here he is writing to the kid in the Lions jersey: "Kid, I don't believe in mental illnesses. So what's with willfully wearing a Lions jersey? Not that Morgan Freeman over here in the Redskins jersey is any better. You need to cleanse your phaeton. Weirdly, Tom Cruise."
1. Poor people Ha-ha, poor people, you still are and remain LOSERS! Especially those of you in poverty in Detroit. Your football team won its first game since 2007 and did you see it? NO! YOU DIDN'T! Why? Because the game was blacked-out on television in Detroit because you didn't sell out the game. Why are you, the unemployed people of Detroit, not buying $100 tickets to watch an NFL team with a 19-game losing streak??? What is wrong with you people? Do you not know that Roger Goodell is trying to motivate you to stop being so poor! Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps! Or sell your bootstraps to get money for a ticket! What is wrong with you people???? I'll tell you what's wrong with you: you're POOR. And that makes you a LOSER!
2. Cleveland Browns Only one offensive touchdown in the past nine games. That is almost impossible to comprehend. And thanks to his benching yesterday, the Brady Quinn Era appears to be over in Cleveland. Please pop your collars at half mast in memoriam.
3. Buffalo Bills Congrats, thanks to a 25-yard touchdown pass in the second quarter that knotted the game with the Saints at 7-7, it appears you have finally found your quarterback of the future. Unfortunately, it was your punter who threw the pass. Still, though: best option.
4. Brett Favre Good pass. Too bad everyone still hates you.
5. Seattle Seahawks Nice costumes. No wonder the Northwest is full of so many crackpots. I'd want to join a militia and shoot the people responsible for this, too.
September 27, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Kentucky DE advances to face Chuck Norris in dramatic upset
After knocking out Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow with a brutal sack in the third quarter on Saturday night, Kentucky Wildcats defensive end Taylor Wyndham is now regarded as the next opponent for world-renowned superman Chuck Norris. "I'm not worried about this guy," said Norris. "I wasn't worried about Tebow either. I wasn't training for Tebow because I don't train. Punching trains isn't a challenge for me."