"Dadgummit, Peyton! When will you learn?" Archie yelled, after his middle son set up the Ravens to win the game with an awful interception in Denver territory. "Eli! Get over here, boy!"
Archie then plucked Eli off the couch, where he had been coloring in a Transformers coloring book, and began spanking his bottom. By the time Ravens kicker Justin Tucker's game-winning kick sailed through the uprights, little Eli was left crying in the corner of the room his mother, Olivia, trying to soothe him with an offer of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"Archie has always loved Peyton the most, everyone knows that," said Olivia. "Peyton is the most talented and Archie had the highest hopes for him. So he gets angry when Peyton fails. And he can't seem to stop from taking out that frustration on poor, little, innocent Eli."
The Manning Family patriarch said he wishes he hadn't spanked Eli.
"Peyton just tries so dang hard and can't seem to win anything unless Rex Grossman is facing him," said Archie. "And then you see Eli there with two Super Bowl rings. Eli, who is slow-witted and doesn't even like football. Eli, who would rather spend his days coloring and looking for butterflies than playing football. Eli, who has basically had only two good months in his whole career. Two Super Bowl rings. It just it just makes me so angry. I'm sorry, but I have to go spank him again."
"Lance became a national hero in the wake of his truly inspiring fight against cancer back in the 1990s," said a source close to Armstrong. "He's really in a bind right now and he's going to need all the public sympathy he can get to make it through this."
While there are no indications that Armstrong has cancer, the flu or AIDS, a close friend says it can't be proven that Armstrong doesn't have those illnesses either.
"Lance got a flu shot, it's true. But the flu is especially bad this year," said the friend. "And Lance has felt a little under the weather the last few days. Is it the flu? Is it cancer? Is it AIDS? I could very well be all three. Maybe even diabetes, too. We won't definitely know for sure until tests are taken, but that won't be done until after the Oprah interview."
"I don't mean to sound boastful, but facts are facts," said Flacco. "Peyton Manning is going to look across the sidelines and see Joe Flacco standing there and realize he's probably going to have to play the best game of his life, and even that might not be enough to win. I imagine it will be very intimidating for him."
Flacco, the 12th highest rated passer in the league this year, who completed less than 60-percent of his passes for the second year in a row, said before the season that he sees himself as the best quarterback in the league. That belief has only been strengthened.
"Who has accomplished what I have in this league?" said Flacco. "Sure, sure. The critics are always going to mention guys who have gotten to Super Bowls or won Super Bowl or put up big stats, or guys who have gotten to a Super Bowl and won Super Bowls and put up big stats, but those are all lazy, conventional ways to measure quarterbacks. People who know football, who know greatness, like me and my parents and coach Harbaugh, recognize how good I really am."
Manning said that playing Flacco will indeed present some unique challenges.
"I just don't know how we're going to get through the Liverpool match without Rooney," said Greg, who you're not totally sure is from Ohio, but you are sure is from America. "Chicharito brings some spark to the table, but nobody can replace Wazza [Rooney's nickname]."
Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson made the announcement from the team's Old Trafford stadium to a group of reporters, who then relayed the tragic news to several soccer-oriented websites, one of which delivered it to Greg, a slightly older guy who you spoke to for seven minutes on one apartment visit and then decided to live with for an entire year.
"It's like how do we stay out in front of [Manchester] City and Chelsea without him?" said Greg, the stranger you share a bathroom with. "It's not like [goalkeeper David] De Gea's going to shut them out every match."
Greg, whose underwear you've taken out of a dryer and thrown into a hamper, went on to talk at length about Patrice Evra, the FA Cup, and other stuff that involves soccer, probably.
"Matt was our big offseason acquisition," said Carroll, of the former Green Bay backup Seattle signed to a three-year, $19.5 million contract in March. "Russell Wilson did a heck of a job getting us this far, but we're two wins from the Super Bowl now and it's time for Matt to step up and deliver. This is why we paid him the big bucks. I think it's time to unleash him and let one of the game's greats work his magic for us."
Wilson said he was disappointed by the move but understood it.
"I knew this was Matt's team when they picked me in the draft. I knew my role. I knew I was the backup," said Wilson. "You don't give someone that kind of money and then just hand the job over to some short 3rd rounder you drafted. This was just a temporary thing until Matt was ready to go. I am happy with how I played, though, and I hope I opened up some eyes around the league. Who knows, maybe one day I'll get to be a full-time starter somewhere."
"Mr. Fisher admitted to poisoning the pontiff in a phone call to a popular sports radio program in the South," said the lead FBI agent on the case, Mike Townsend. "He said it was 'to do to the head Notre Dame guy what Alabama is going to do to Notre Dame on the field.' That's a paraphrase. He spoke in a heavy Southern accent that required us to get an interpreter to determine exactly what was said. All that was clear to me was when he said 'Roll damn Tide.'"
Law enforcement officials are now interrogating Fisher, a part-time raccoon groomer, about his poisoning claims. Vatican officials were contacted to report the poisoning and check on the state of the Pope.
"We aren't sure yet if he has been poisoned or what the effects might be," said a Vatican spokesman. "He's really old. It's hard to tell what could be the result of poison and what could be just what comes with being almost 86 years old. He seems pale and frail. Is that cause for alarm? He looked that way yesterday, too, and the day before that. I guess we'll just wait and see."
Investigators are hopeful that Fisher, who has a tattoo of Bear Bryant's face over top of his own face, did not actually poison the leader of the Catholic church.
"We knew that they were Notre Dame and that they were No. 1, but we tried not to let that intimidate us," said Alabama running back Eddie Lacy, who ran for, like, 37 yards per carry. "We believed we could win even if no one else did."
Alabama head coach Nick Saban said he played up the Tide's underdog status in the weeks before the title game.
"My team saw Notre Dame's No. 1 ranking. They saw what they did to teams like Purdue and Pitt," said Saban. "I saw the concern on their faces. But we pulled together, dug down deep and somehow made it work. I don't know if we could beat Notre Dame more than once if we played them 10 times, but that one time happened tonight."
News Chip Kelly Unsubscribes from Monster.com After It Keeps Sending Him Cleveland Browns Job Opportunities
"I got a Monster account years ago to help me find good jobs," Kelly said. "Of course I can work for the Browns. I don't need Monster to do that for me. I can work for the Browns just like I can work for McDonald's. They're wasting my time and clogging up my e-mail inbox."
A Monster representative says Kelly isn't the first person to complain about being contacted about the Cleveland Browns.
"We are looking to fix the problem," said Monster spokesperson Kevin Papronis. "Obviously, we only want to give our users the best experience, and an experience that includes the Cleveland Browns can't be good for anyone."
"It is true that we have made contact with Chip Kelly and he will be interviewing with us," said Bills general manager r Buddy Nix. "We even conducted an informal, surface interview with him over the phone and he said all the right things."
Nix said he asked Kelly what his greatest weakness is as a head coach and Kelly responded that he "sometimes works too hard and cares too much," completely failing to mention that his trademark offense would be a massive failure in the NFL.
"I don't really follow college football all that closely," said Nix. "But I had overheard someone in our front office voice some concerns about his offense and also that he has no NFL experience and even almost no coaching experience beyond Oregon and New Hampshire. I thought Chip might mention something about that and put a positive spin on it when I asked him about his weakness," said Nix. "But it didn't come up. So I assume that means his offense will work just great in the NFL!"
"Every season of The Wire is like a whole new show, with another angle on life in 21st century America," said Simon, "But we always return to Baltimore, and this was our greatest season yet: a larger-than-life NFL tale built around a character I've been developing since way back in 1996."
Simon credited his writing staff, his go-to sixth season director Steve Sabol (who passed away in September), and The Wire star Idris Elba for making this season's central "Ray Lewis" story arc so memorable.
"Viewers can't get emotionally invested in whole football teams, and certainly not a football team poached from Cleveland," said Simon. "Which is why we used one man to depict the cult of American sports, and American society itself, writ large in a linebacker who pretends he's in Gladiator before every game."
Critics say Simon built the most fascinating ongoing TV project ever for Season 6, incorporating reality TV production techniques, real-life news coverage, and segments where Elba got "mic'd up" and went on the field during actual NFL games. It's such a lifelike creation that fan interest convinced the NFL to turn the fictional "Baltimore Ravens" franchise into an actual team for the 2013-2014 season.
"They're a team built on the shoulders of a magnetic millionaire muscleman, himself forged in the hedonistic baptismal fires of 'The U'," said Simon. "Which is why Ray is my best anti-hero since McNulty, and why 'The Peacemaker' is one of the greatest television hours in the medium's history."
Simon's "The Peacemaker" was an instant classic The Wire episode from 2000, where Lewis's character [SPOILERS] accepts an obstruction of justice conviction for his morally ambiguous role in two inner city stabbing deaths. Lewis then leads the Ravens to a championship and cements his athletic legacy with a Super Bowl MVP award, but still gets snubbed out of a postgame invite to Disneyland. Ray then spends the next 13 years toiling to rebuild his reputation, finally succeeding in the season's penultimate episode "The Visa Ad And The Little Girl".