"It was a tough decision, but the right one," said coach John Harbaugh. "Don't get me wrong, we love the guy and wish him well in his future endeavors, but we've got a big game coming up and need our focus on San Fran."
Harbaugh went on to mention how Lewis was a great teammate and only ever did what was asked of him.
"Ray's a champ. I mean, what can I say about Ray that hasn't already been said hundreds of times these past few weeks? But that's exactly why we are where we are right now. We are a team, not just one player."
Lewis, the 13-time Pro Bowler and seven-time First-Team All-Pro middle linebacker, spent his entire 17-year career in Baltimore, spanning a team record 227 games, but has just one lone Super Bowl appearance to show for it.
"And that's why he should understand the importance of this situation more than anybody; he knows how hard it is to get to one of these things," continued Harbaugh. "You don't wanna mess it up."
News Manti Te'o Says He is a Chronic Bedwetter in Attempt to Create Less Embarrassing Narrative About Himself
Couric met Te'o's statement with suspicion.
"Really?" she said with a raised eyebrow. "Well that's maybe a conversation for another time. But let's get back to the issue at hand. Your hours and hours of phone calls with a fake girlfriend who it turns out was a male acquaintance of yours using a fake girl's voice. What about that?"
"Well, Katie," Te'o responded. "What I'd like to really talk about today is not only by incontinence, but also my incredibly small penis. It has a medical name, in fact: micropenis."
Still Couric forged ahead: "I want to stick to the story everyone is talking about, if you will. I know the fake girlfriend is probably more embarrassing for you than your supposed micropenis and how you defecate in your pants, but this is what America wants to hear about."
"I eat my boogers," said Te'o. "It's my primary source of nutrition."
"Manti. Please. Stay on topic," said Couric.
"I'm a furry. I dress up in an animal costumes and have sex with other people dressed as animals," Te'o said. "I enjoy eating gum I found stuck to surfaces in public places. I clean my family's dog with my tongue. I enjoy the music of Nickelback. Anything? Please?"
"Everyone, I'm sorry," said commissioner Roger Goddell, "but the term Super whoops, we have to pay him $50 million if we use that. So, I mean what we used to call The Big Game is now owned by Don's Super Bowl of Flint, Michigan."
Don's, a bowling alley operated by Flint native Don Smith, has had the "Super Bowl" name since 1943. While the league was unaware of the alley, Smith was reportedly biding his time until the rights lapsed.
"Yeah, every day I'd read that newspaper, hoping to see that the NFL was trying to renew the rights. But I never saw anything about it for a long time, until recently. I read somewhere that the league let the rights to the name lapse, so I snatched it up. Let me tell ya it's been a pretty sweet deal so far."
In an attempt to coerce him into relinquishing the rights, the NFL has offered him such perks as four free Big Game XLVII tickets, a large amount of NFL memorabilia, the chance to have a stadium or trophy named after him, personal use of Tim Tebow, and ownership of the Cleveland Browns.
"Tackling will make basketball more competitive and fan-friendly and more like a real sport like you know, football," said SEC commissioner Mike Slive. "We are excited about the change and confident that the SEC will be the premier conference for college footsketball."
The SEC also sent an official request to the NCAA to universally adopt tackling in college basketball. "We hope you will consider our proposal," reads the request, addressed to NCAA president Mark Emmert. "If you do not, we will simply know that you are pussies who fear the SEC dominating another sport. Your call." The letter to the NCAA is then signed: "Sincerely, S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!"
The conference is currently dead-last in conference RPI among BCS conferences and is also behind several non-BCS conferences. Florida is the only SEC school ranked in the Top 20 and usual SEC stalwart Kentucky is 12-6 and in danger of missing the NCAA Tournament.
"Basketball, how it currently is played, is really dumb," said Slive. "I've long felt that way, but this season has only further cemented those feelings for me."
"Yeah, me and that fat shitstain of a twin brother of mine, Rob, are going to hang out this weekend," said New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "We'll probably shoot some pool, go to Hooters and maybe fire up the ol' Nintendo."
Rex Ryan says he had a Nintendo at his "bitchin' pad" back when he was defensive coordinator at Morehead State from 1990 to 1993.
"Late 20s, one bedroom apartment in Morehead, Kentucky, cable TV with the nudie channels, a Nintendo," he said. "Yeah, I was living the life. My dickhead brother was at Tennessee State then and he'd pop over on free weekends and we'd go all out on Tecmo Bowl from morning to night."
Rob Ryan says the Harbaugh brothers are getting all the coaching attention right now, but he knows the Ryans are the best.
"You want to know how I knew I was the best defensive mind in the game?" asked the unemployed Rob Ryan, sitting shirtless on his brother's couch. "I beat Rex one day and he had Bo Jackson and the Raiders."
"I just want to go on record as saying I am not in any way working with Ray Lewis," said The Almighty. "He keeps talking about how I'm getting him and the Ravens wins, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I am not helping the Ravens win and I'm definitely not helping Ray Lewis win."
God admitted that he did create Ray Lewis, but has had very little contact with the linebacker since then.
"I'm kind of a live and let live Dude, you know?" said God. "I step in here and there for big stuff, but other than that it's up to you all to live your lives. But this dancing guy keeps going on and on about how I am winning his team games. Saying he's praying to Me and getting My power for his teammates. Enough is enough. He's out there pretending we're good friends and that we talk all the time. No. He's a liar."
Lewis began crying upon hearing God's announcement.
"Yes! Yes, God! Yes, Holy Jesus! You challenge me with your denials!" Lewis weeped, swaying and beginning to dance. "You want me to prove myself to you again, Holy God! I will arm myself with your truth and your victory."
"Oh, God, here we go again," said God. "This is what I'm talking about. I have nothing to do with this guy. I just want to make that clear. Okay? If the Ravens win the Super Bowl or don't win the Super Bowl, I'm in no way involved."
News Undrafted DIII Quarterback Replaces Colin Kaepernick Replaces Russell Wilson Replaces Robert Griffin III Replaces Andrew Luck As Fresh Face of NFL Playoffs
Expected to taking over for Atlanta in a set of circumstances no crazier than Kaepernick continuing to start over a healthy Alex Smith, the unheralded benchwarmer from a Division III college will soon run, gun, and slash his way to an NFC Championship Game win against the Niners, making him the new young quarterback everyone won't shut up about.
"Colin Kaepernick used to be the NFL's next big star, but that's what we said about Russell Wilson, and about Robert Griffin III, and earlier that afternoon about Andrew Luck," said ESPN analyst Tom Jackson. "Logically this new kid is the future of football itself, just because he's the best not-old quarterback on a 2012 playoff team."
This new guy who you don't even know the name of yet will be one of this year's two Super Bowl quarterbacks. That means two full weeks of analysts talking up his upside, even though the upside of every fresh face of the 2012 NFL Playoffs has been weaker than the last one.
"Nothing proves that Colin Kaepernick can't win games in the NFL more than the way Colin Kaepernick won last week's NFL game," said fellow analyst Ron Jaworski. "He's been skating by with a gunslinging quarterback style, similar to Wilson and RGIII and Luck's gunslinging quarterback styles, that doesn't have the staying power of this new kid's gunslinging quarterback style."
"It is one big lie," said Armstrong. "I never failed a test. Not a single test. I am going to take Lance Armstrong for everything he has for spreading these lies about me."
Armstrong's lead attorney, Tim Herman, said: "I'm confused. But per Lance's orders, I will proceed quickly and fiercely with this lawsuit. Unless, you know, Lance Armstrong tells me to stop. The other one. Again. I'm confused."
Others close to the cyclist wonder if nearly 15 years of heavy and non-stop drug use has left Armstrong with cognitive issues or even dementia, as it's not possible to sue one's self.
Armstrong said he is of sound mind.
"You know who isn't going to be of sound mind? Lance Armstrong when he finds out I'm coming after him for spouting filth about me."
"This is incredibly embarrassing to talk about, but over an extended period of time, I developed an emotional relationship with recruits I met online," said head coach Brian Kelly. "We maintained what I thought to be an authentic relationship by communicating frequently online and on the phone, and I grew to care deeply about them. To realize that I was the victim of what was apparently someone's sick joke and constant lies was, and is, painful and humiliating."
The hoax leaves Notre Dame without a single recruit for 2013, a development that will greatly impact the depth and future of the program.
"I smelled something fishy months ago," said one recruiting expert. "Notre Dame had a good season, but it was still their first good season in decades. There was no reason they should have been getting recruits of that level over one good season. Still, though, I didn't expect anything like this."
Kelly reportedly began receiving recruiting tapes from supposed high school stars in the late summer. He was wowed by what he saw and followed up with the "recruits," who quickly committed to Notre Dame. It turns out the highlights were of other players and that all the names were fictional. Investigators believe the hoax was perpetrated by a man in Tuscaloosa, Ala., named Nick.
"Lance expected some fallout, but this one hurts," said an Armstrong associate. "A man treasures nothing more than his Little League home runs. He's told me numerous times the story about how he hit a home run against Bill's Auto Parts in a rain shower in 1982. Now that memory is tarnished."
Armstrong hit one home run in 1982 as an 11 year-old and two more in 1983, including a homer off of a left-handed pitcher most of his teammates were uncomfortable batting against.
"Almost all the pitchers were righties," said Gary Pradish, Armstrong's coach on Brothers Sporting Goods & Tackle Shop. "So we went up against this lefty one day and everyone was just flailing away at the plate. But Lance ran into one for a home run. It was then I thought he might really accomplish something in sports. Unfortunately, he went into cycling instead."