"One of the main jobs of a head coach at this level is to go into a recruit's living room, sit down with him and his parents, look them in the eyes and then proceed to just talk out of your ass," said Freeze. "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, promise, promise, promise. All right from your ass. You just hope a few of them buy it and think that your school truly is the best fit for them academically and culturally and for football. But I never expected anything like this. I guess I was shoveling some primo bullshit this year."
Ole Miss inked so many top recruits, including the No. 1 ranked player in Robert Nkemdiche, that Freeze is worried he over-promised.
"Hell, I don't remember what I told these kids," said the coach. "You just pull whatever you can out of your ass at the time and fling it at the wall and hope it sticks. I don't have a clue what I said. For all I know, they're all going to show up and be like: 'What the hell, man? You said there was a water park in the middle of campus? And where are all the bikini model professors? I haven't seen one.' I might be screwed."
With that in mind, Freese has contacted Mississippi governor Phil Bryant and requested aid.
"Coach Freese stressed that Ole Miss keeping these recruits and winning football games would be huge for the state of Mississippi," said the governor. "And I happen to agree. Therefore, I am making arrangements that the entire state be covered in a fresh coat of paint before the recruits arrive so it doesn't look like such a shithole."
News NFL Announces Super Bowl XLVII Was Its Last Game: "The sport is just too violent to continue in good conscience"
The commissioner said he has been closely reviewing research about head injuries in football and has seen first-hand the impact concussions have made on the lives of the league's retired players.
"I couldn't in good conscience continue to keep selling this sport and encouraging its growth, especially not among young people," said Goodell. "So at the Super Bowl I called all of the owners together and we put our status as business men aside and decided to take it upon ourselves to shut down the game. We did the right thing morally. I'm proud of us and I think history will show that what we are doing is right."
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones later took the podium and echoed the commissioner's statements.
"I simply couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I continued to make even one dollar of profit from a sport that does this sort of damage," said Jones. "Who could? After all, I am a human first and a businessman second."
Footage from the performance is still being reviewed, but early indications are that the singer's nipple became snagged by a metal wire in her top's chest support and then was violently torn from her body during a dance gyration. Whatever the cause, the incident shocked and horrified tens of millions watching on TV and resulted in shrieks and screams from those in the crowd, many who started vomiting or crying.
The singer laid on her back on the stage, her background music still going, and clutched her right breast, screaming: "Ahhhhh! AHHHHHH! My nipple! My nipple is off! Help! My nipple! MY NIPPPLLLLLEEEEE!"
Several feet away her nipple sat, looking like the chopped off top of an eggplant.
The incident is being called the worst wardrobe malfunction since Janet Jackson exposed a bare breast while performing at the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004.
"I know Beyonce is in a lot of pain right now, and we wish her a full recovery and we hope her nipple can be re-attached," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "But at least her nipple was not exposed in a sexual way. We wouldn't want to subject young people to seeing something like that. And the FCC wouldn't care for it much either."
News Super Bowl Champion Ravens Wait Nervously to See If They'll be Atop Season's Final NFL Power Rankings
But was it enough? The Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII 34-31 over the 49ers, but the team nearly blew a 22-point third quarter lead and had only a 10-6 regular season record. It remains to be seen if all of that is enough to convince the NFL power rankings experts on NFL.com and on various sports media websites that the Ravens deserve the top spot.
"Do I honestly think they're the best team?" said one FoxSports.com NFL power rankings panelist who asked to remain anonymous. "Not at all. But I always put the Super Bowl winner No. 1. It's my policy. I didn't set up the playoff system. It's the system we have and, good or bad, it's designed to determine a power rankings No. 1."
Not all power rankings voters agree, however.
"I look at power rankings as something that weighs the current, but also looks ahead to the future," said an NFL.com power rankings expert. "All credit to the Ravens, but I think the 49ers are the team to beat next year. They're younger, they were better in the second half, and Colin Kaepernick is a future star at quarterback. I'm putting the 49ers No. 1."
The Ravens plan subdued celebrations until all power rankings are released, which is expected by Tuesday night.
"I hope it's unanimous," said Flacco. "Including from blogs that do power rankings. It's been my dream since coming into the NFL to be the No. 1 ranked team on every sports website and blog. I don't know if I'll ever get this chance again."
"You always have to look to improve and you can't make decisions based on loyalty and emotion. This is a business," Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome is quoted in a report. "As long as contract negotiations with Elvis Grbac go as planned, Super Bowl XLVII will be Joe Flacco's last game as the starting quarterback of the Baltimore Ravens."
Newsome said he wished Flacco well and appreciated his service to the team, but the GM also stated he "shared the near-universal opinion in football that the quarterback position with Joe at the controls has long held us back, this blip over the last three games notwithstanding."
Grbac has quarterbacked the Ravens before, taking over for Trent Dilfer after the Ravens won Super Bowl XXXV. The 42 year-old, whose career bests in single-season yardage, touchdown passes and passer rating best the career highs of Flacco, says he has unfinished business in Baltimore.
"It's time that a quarterback comes in here and provides leadership, a go-to guy, a vertical passing game," he said. "This is a great team. I can make it better."
"We've always dreamed of coaching in a Super Bowl," said Kevin, 11, older brother of Jeff, age nine. "We always pretend coach in the backyard, going through game scenarios and calling timeouts. It's so much fun."
Jeff says he believes the brothers' dream will one day come true.
"My mom says that dreams even ones that people call lame or depressing or weird can come true if you really believe and work hard," the boy said. "She told me that right after I tried out for head coach of my 8-to-10 year-old football team."
"They were the first boys to ever try out for coach," said the boys' mother, Cheryl. "I mean, obviously, right? Because it's weird. But I asked the coach if there was any way he could use them as assistants, and he eventually agreed."
The two boys, who are believed to be the only people to ever ask for EA Sports' "NFL Head Coach" game for Christmas, now stand on the sidelines holding clipboards and markers while their peers play.
"What kind of weirdo dreams of being a coach one day?" said the team's head coach, Chuck Riley. "I wanted to be a quarterback when I was their age. And a star quarterback, too, not the kind that Jim Harbaugh was. To be honest, Kip and John or whatever those kids' names are creep the hell out of me. But I let them help out with the team because I don't want to get sued for discriminating against disabled kids. I assume they're disabled, right?"
News Roger Goodell Accepts Invitation to Speak at a New Orleans Dark Alley "That is totally not a trap"
"I'm really excited," said Goodell before leaving. "I haven't exactly had the warmest welcome here in New Orleans due to all of the fallout from the bounty stuff, so I'm glad to see that maybe Saints fans are moving past it."
Goodell received a note, written ransom note style, under his hotel door this morning. It read:
You are invited to speak at an alley near Bourbon and St. Ann Streets on Thursday at 12 noon SHARP. Come alone.
This is totally not a trap or anything.
Signed, Really nice and safe people who wish you no harm
"It seemed nice and welcoming to me," the commissioner said of the note. "Most of the packages outside my door this week have been ticking or have powder all over them. I was happy to get one that wasn't dangerous."
News New Pass-First Kobe Bryant: "I just imagine my teammates' hands are little baskets I'm shooting at"
"Look, it's no secret that I have long preferred to take a lot of shots," said Bryant. "But who says I always have to shoot at the basket?"
Lakers head coach Mike D'Antoni said he pulled Bryant aside last week and pitched him on changing his approach.
"I put my hands together and made a circle and asked Kobe: 'What do you see?'" said D'Antoni. "He said: 'You making a circle with your hands for some reason. Why are you wasting my time?' And then before he walked away I said: 'What if I told you this was a tiny basketball hoop you could shoot at?' His eyes immediately brightened."
D'Antoni then immediately held a practice with an enthusiastic Bryant in which Steve Nash, Pau Gasol, Dwight Howard and the rest of the Lakers made their hands into little hoops. "Shoot, Kobe, shoot!" D'Antoni implored. "Put it up every time! Live your dream!"
It was the best Laker practice of the year.
"I really liked shooting at the hand hoops," says Bryant. "My field goal percentage really went up. The hand hoops kind of catch my shots even if they're a little off target. The rim never does that. It's pretty neat."
"It's a crisis of faith," said Lord. "You put all your faith in Ray Lewis only to get let down and humiliated like this. I honestly tend to be a little skeptical and cynical about humans. I mean, not one hasn't sinned so far. But I thought Ray Lewis was different. Guess I was wrong and that's the first time I was ever wrong, which as you can probably imagine, is also disappointing."
The Lord says he now regrets all of the times He defended Lewis.
"We've had a lot of debates in the Three-In-One about Ray," said Lord. "They always say that Ray puts on the holy thing to help his image and cover up his guilt over his role in that double murder. They say he has never given a full accounting of what happened that night and why he fled the scene covered in blood and why he destroyed the clothing he was wearing. They say a great man and great leader wouldn't have six kids by four different women. They say that instead of being humble as We instruct, he craves the spotlight. But I always insisted Ray was legit. That he had found the path. Now this. Done in by deer antlers, of all things. I knew We never should have created deer. They look stupid. What's the point of the antlers?"