"I have 17 that's right: 17 new sandwich ingredient delivery systems that are going to absolutely blow people away," says the former manager. "Traditional sandwich bread and even my famed wrap are going to look like foods from the prehistoric age."
Valentine says he won't reveal his sandwich inventions until a planned event on March 30th at his eponymous restaurant in Stamford, Conn. But he was willing to give some hints.
"Cracker sticks infused with condiments. A baked and hollow dough ball. Powdered wheat. Crust forts. Naan-o bites. These are just a few of the many things that will soon become staples of every deli and restaurant in the world," he said. "I am still putting some finishing touches on everything in my lab, but lunch will forever change come March 30th."
FIFA president Sepp Blatter met the news with great excitement.
"Finally, after all these years, a possible explanation for why these grown men, these strong professional athletes, flop and fall all over the place like delicate little flowers in a tornado," said Blatter. "While it might be nice if the sport of football did not have instances of fixed matches, I and all football fans greatly prefer that to watching a sport filled with what we assumed were pathetic, pussified floppers."
Portuguese star Cristiano Ronaldo says he is glad the truth is finally out there.
"For years I've had people calling me a pussy because I'm always falling down and pretending I'm hurt," said Ronaldo. "But in almost every instance, I fell down to prevent myself from scoring a goal in order to keep the score where it needed to be. I'm glad I don't have to hear people question my toughness anymore. As though I'd do that out on the pitch without a good reason. Come on. I respect the game too much to be a flopper. I'm a match fixer."
"We've dug ourselves a big hole, no doubt about that," said team captain Alexander Ovechkin, after a 5-2 loss to the Penguins. "But we have the talent in this locker room to come roaring back and to enter the playoffs as the hottest team in hockey and really get everyone excited, only to then get eliminated in the first or second round. I guarantee it."
Ovechkin's brash guarantee of another early playoff exit was backed up by his teammates.
"I'm 100-percent behind Alex," said goaltender Braden Holtby. "I know I've seen nothing from this team that suggests we would win a playoff series. The toughest part will be making the playoffs, of course. But if we do? I'll say it, I'm not scared. Write this down: We will get eliminated immediately. How's that for confidence?"
"I love Baltimore and I love the Ravens," said Brianna Barker, a Baltimore resident. "But it sure was difficult to root for this team the past 13 years with someone like Ray Lewis on the team. What an awful person. What a phony. We feel like a cloud has been lifted with him retiring. I don't feel dirty being a Ravens fan anymore. I don't have any moral hangups about being a Ravens fan anymore. None of us do. And we're all out here today to celebrate that."
The dancing, glory-hogging Lewis has unfortunately been the face of the franchise since he was drafted in the team's first draft in 1996 and even more so since he was involved in a double murder in 2000.
"Think about it: this franchise hasn't played one game, not one game, without having Ray Lewis on the roster," said head coach John Harbaugh. "We are entering a new era here. An era in which no one has to try to defend that guy anymore. Ravens fans don't always have to be on the defensive anymore. They don't have to live in shame. That's why you can see the happiness on the faces of everyone who came out today. I know I'm much prouder to be a Raven today than I ever was before."
Lewis was part of the parade that wound its way through the city's downtown streets and concluded just outside the city limits where Lewis was dropped off. The caravan then sped back to M&T Bank Stadium to change the locks.
"We had a 1-0 lead but we gave them too many opportunities to get back in it," said U.S. head coach Jurgen Klinsmann. "We gave them too much space. Speaking of space, I just got word from President Obama that we will now be allowed to rain death from the sky. So, just throwing that out there to our future opponents."
The national team plays its next qualifying match on March 22nd against Costa Rica.
"The Costa Ricans play a good, fundamentally-sound style and we will have to be in our best form to beat them," said Klinsmann. "Also, their best player lives at 614 Tortuguero Boulevard outside of Limon. It's in a little clearing and shouldn't be hard to see from above, as long as its a day with minimal cloud cover. Saturday is supposed to be pretty clear there, I hear."
"One of the main jobs of a head coach at this level is to go into a recruit's living room, sit down with him and his parents, look them in the eyes and then proceed to just talk out of your ass," said Freeze. "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, promise, promise, promise. All right from your ass. You just hope a few of them buy it and think that your school truly is the best fit for them academically and culturally and for football. But I never expected anything like this. I guess I was shoveling some primo bullshit this year."
Ole Miss inked so many top recruits, including the No. 1 ranked player in Robert Nkemdiche, that Freeze is worried he over-promised.
"Hell, I don't remember what I told these kids," said the coach. "You just pull whatever you can out of your ass at the time and fling it at the wall and hope it sticks. I don't have a clue what I said. For all I know, they're all going to show up and be like: 'What the hell, man? You said there was a water park in the middle of campus? And where are all the bikini model professors? I haven't seen one.' I might be screwed."
With that in mind, Freese has contacted Mississippi governor Phil Bryant and requested aid.
"Coach Freese stressed that Ole Miss keeping these recruits and winning football games would be huge for the state of Mississippi," said the governor. "And I happen to agree. Therefore, I am making arrangements that the entire state be covered in a fresh coat of paint before the recruits arrive so it doesn't look like such a shithole."
News NFL Announces Super Bowl XLVII Was Its Last Game: "The sport is just too violent to continue in good conscience"
The commissioner said he has been closely reviewing research about head injuries in football and has seen first-hand the impact concussions have made on the lives of the league's retired players.
"I couldn't in good conscience continue to keep selling this sport and encouraging its growth, especially not among young people," said Goodell. "So at the Super Bowl I called all of the owners together and we put our status as business men aside and decided to take it upon ourselves to shut down the game. We did the right thing morally. I'm proud of us and I think history will show that what we are doing is right."
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones later took the podium and echoed the commissioner's statements.
"I simply couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I continued to make even one dollar of profit from a sport that does this sort of damage," said Jones. "Who could? After all, I am a human first and a businessman second."
Footage from the performance is still being reviewed, but early indications are that the singer's nipple became snagged by a metal wire in her top's chest support and then was violently torn from her body during a dance gyration. Whatever the cause, the incident shocked and horrified tens of millions watching on TV and resulted in shrieks and screams from those in the crowd, many who started vomiting or crying.
The singer laid on her back on the stage, her background music still going, and clutched her right breast, screaming: "Ahhhhh! AHHHHHH! My nipple! My nipple is off! Help! My nipple! MY NIPPPLLLLLEEEEE!"
Several feet away her nipple sat, looking like the chopped off top of an eggplant.
The incident is being called the worst wardrobe malfunction since Janet Jackson exposed a bare breast while performing at the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004.
"I know Beyonce is in a lot of pain right now, and we wish her a full recovery and we hope her nipple can be re-attached," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "But at least her nipple was not exposed in a sexual way. We wouldn't want to subject young people to seeing something like that. And the FCC wouldn't care for it much either."
News Super Bowl Champion Ravens Wait Nervously to See If They'll be Atop Season's Final NFL Power Rankings
But was it enough? The Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII 34-31 over the 49ers, but the team nearly blew a 22-point third quarter lead and had only a 10-6 regular season record. It remains to be seen if all of that is enough to convince the NFL power rankings experts on NFL.com and on various sports media websites that the Ravens deserve the top spot.
"Do I honestly think they're the best team?" said one FoxSports.com NFL power rankings panelist who asked to remain anonymous. "Not at all. But I always put the Super Bowl winner No. 1. It's my policy. I didn't set up the playoff system. It's the system we have and, good or bad, it's designed to determine a power rankings No. 1."
Not all power rankings voters agree, however.
"I look at power rankings as something that weighs the current, but also looks ahead to the future," said an NFL.com power rankings expert. "All credit to the Ravens, but I think the 49ers are the team to beat next year. They're younger, they were better in the second half, and Colin Kaepernick is a future star at quarterback. I'm putting the 49ers No. 1."
The Ravens plan subdued celebrations until all power rankings are released, which is expected by Tuesday night.
"I hope it's unanimous," said Flacco. "Including from blogs that do power rankings. It's been my dream since coming into the NFL to be the No. 1 ranked team on every sports website and blog. I don't know if I'll ever get this chance again."