"Mmmm. Is this bread? This looks like bread," witnesses say the noted moron said at his seat in the exam room. "Manti hungry. I eat this bread."
Te'o then balled the exam up and began gnawing on it.
"Ouch! Bread bite Manti!" the linebacker exclaimed after he bit his own hand. "No, bread! Why so tasty yet so mean!"
After consuming his exam, Te'o reached for another prospect's exam, but got his hand slapped and recoiled. He then stared out the window and picked his nose until the exam time ended.
"I don't want to make this out to be just any other race," said NASCAR president Mike Helton. "This could be really big for us. I think Jimmie could bring in the male demo and grow the sport among men, making NASCAR bigger and better than ever."
Johnson said after his victory that he is more than happy to take on the pressure.
"I won't claim to speak for all men and I won't claim to represent all men," he said. "But I think I showed today that men can compete in auto racing and I hope I inspired a lot of boys out there to get into this sport. Maybe in the future we'll see men in the victory circle all the time."
Perhaps overshadowed by Johnson's victory was the fact that men finished in the first seven spots in the Daytona 500, with no women placing until Danica Patrick in eighth.
"Women have always heard how we're not big enough or strong enough to compete with men in sports and that we can't drive cars," said Patrick. "I want to be the one who proves to the world that women can drive cars."
In fact, women can drive cars in the United States and in every other country in the world, as well.
"I don't know about that," said Patrick. "If that were true, I wouldn't be so inspirational. No, I'm pretty sure car driving is not a thing most women are allowed to do."
According to studies, more women than men have drivers licenses in the United States.
"Look, if you go and stand by a road, I'm sure you'll see some cars not driven by women," said Patrick. "That's because not all women believe they can drive cars. But I'm out to prove that they can. So there."
"He got bail? You've got to be kidding me. Pistorius is guilty as hell," wrote Kevin Grasmani on Facebook. Grasmani lists his age as 37 and his employment as a data entry manager at a consulting company in Columbia, Maryland, and left the comment on his Facebook page at 9:58 a.m. this morning.
The man's comment generated two "likes" on his Facebook page from his 217 friends and one response, from Ryan Stennett, a high school classmate, who wrote: "Maybe. Maybe not. The trial will explain a lot."
It is not clear if Desmond Nair, the South African chief magistrate in the case, would have denied Pistorius bail had he known of Kevin's opinion earlier. The track star's attorney, Barry Roux, has also not addressed the allegations in the Facebook post.
"I hate when I walk into the bathroom at work and some co-worker has stunk it up. Disgusting," Grasmani wrote in his next Facebook post, apparently moving on from the Pistorius case, but possibly making some sort of subtle statement on the bathroom shooting.
"This is my first managing job," said Bo Porter, Houston's new skipper. "So I think I offer a kind of outsider's view, but one thing I do know about baseball is that home runs are good. It's my goal to have this team do a lot of them. But that takes practice and execution."
Porter is taking over a 55-107 team that is faced with moving to the AL West from the NL Central this season.
"I'm not looking for slightly improvement," said Porter. "I want to compete for the playoffs right away. And this explosive home run play can get us there."
The Astros spent Day 1 in camp breaking down film of home runs.
"I noticed that they go over the fence!" exclaimed shortstop Jacob Elmore. "That's the key."
Day 2 of camp consisted of Porter running through the various home run plays he had conceived in the offseason, titled Home Run Left, Home Run Left-Center, Home Run Center, Home Run Right-Center and Home Run Right.
"The play names are confusing, but I hope to learn them by Opening Day," said an outfielder named Oscar Cespedes or something like that.
"I have been meeting with my staff for weeks, assessing where we have needs in preparation for the trade deadline," said Golden State Warriors general manager Bob Myers. "One thing we all eventually noticed is that we were looking for people with significant height. The kind of height where, you know, you're walking through the mall or an airport and see a tall guy and wonder: 'I bet he played basketball.' So right now I'm just calling around and seeing what tall people are on the market."
The Rockets made a big splash earlier this week when they acquired three tall people from the Sacramento Kings, a 6-foot-10 guy, a 6-foot-7 guy and a 6-foot-8 guy in exchange for a 6-foot-11 guy, a 6-foot-9 guy and a 6-foot-2 guy.
"I'm extremely happy with the deal," said Rockets general manager Daryl Morey. "I couldn't believe that they were going to offer that many tall guys. We added three total inches in height! And for what? We traded away a 6-2 person! I wouldn't even noticed someone 6-2 at the airport or necessarily pick him first in a pickup basketball game. I'm really excited about our team's potential now. We're way taller, which is pretty great in basketball."
"It was a long season. After the playoffs ended, the boys just hunkered down and never left the clubhouse," recalled Leyland. "As long as they emerge ready to play by the time the season starts, that's all that matters."
The issue of offseason hibernation is nothing new for Leyland, although this year represents the first time the entire team has participated. Previously, Miguel Cabrera spent his winter sleep in the equipment room.
"Oh yeah, we knew what we were getting with him. Every year the past four years, Miggy increases his fatty meat intake come October before nesting in the batting cages," whispered Leyland, carefully shining a flashlight into the clubhouse window to check on the players. "But this year with everyone together, it's special. It's a team bonding experience. We don't wanna ruin that."
"The Bathroom Burglar should not think that we have diverted our attention to Mr. Pistorius and away from him or her," said police spokesman Edward Grant. "The Bathroom Burglar has stolen far too many Q-Tips, tubes of toothpaste and decorative soaps. He will be brought to justice."
Pistorius maintains he felt a burglar had climbed into his house and locked himself in the bathroom early last Thursday morning, prompting him to fire repeatedly into the bathroom door. Police dismiss that account, but admit that climbing into homes and then effectively cornering himself in a locked bathroom is the trademark behavior of the Bathroom Burglar.
"It's amazing he keeps getting away with his robberies, considering his calling card is easily one of the dumber things we've ever seen from this sort of criminal," said the police spokesman.
News Everyone in court high-fives after South African prosecutor says Pistorius' case "doesn't have a leg to stand on"
Nel then stood with his arms out and palms raised and accepted high-five after high-five from those gathered in the cramped courtroom.
"Oh, man. Nailed him," said magistrate Desmond Nair. "Good one. Come up here and give me a fist bump. Ha! No leg to stand on. Where do you come up with this stuff?"
Nel admitted he had seen the "no legs to stand on line" in reference to Pistorius not having natural legs below the knee on several Internet comments boards in the days since the tragic incident at the runner's home. He also said he had been e-mailed several versions of the joke by his uncle Phil.
"So I can't claim to have been the one who invented the joke, but there's no way I was going to pass up the opportunity to say it into the public record," said Nel. "I'm like a legend now."
Magistrate Nair recessed proceedings until tomorrow after Nel's killer line.
"Damn, I say we stop until tomorrow," said Nair, wiping tears from his eyes. "Unless anyone has any better lines about ol' no-legs over there. Anyone?"
"It's hard to believe it now, but before 1996 we didn't have any basketball player scents on the market," said Thomas Despres, athlete cologne beat writer for the New York Times. "Michael Jordan's Michael Jordan was a game changer."
Jordan's cologne instantly became a bestseller among the 14 year-old boy demographic, who used the fragrance when awkwardly trying to talk to girls. Before 1996, boys of that age were forced to rub magazine ads with cologne samples on their armpits, spray air freshener on themselves or bathe.
"In many circles, Michael Jordan is thought of first as a cologne, and second as a basketball guy. That's how great his cologne is," said Despres. "Anyone with 20 bucks who lives near a Walmart can smell like Michael Jordan. It is the scent of America."