Cleveland-Browns-logo-psd56743

Reports: Browns Still Going to Suck

Despite a wave of optimism following the drafting of Johnny Manziel in May, mounting evidence suggests the Cleveland Browns are still really going to suck. Continue Reading →
daledanicarant

NASCAR in Talks with Dale, Jr. and Danica Patrick to Conceive a Super-Marketable Baby

NASCAR officials are reportedly close to a deal with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Danica Patrick in which the circuit’s two most popular names will engage in intercourse in order to ... Continue Reading →
6a00d8341c630a53ef0128765c1ea7970c-320wi

Landon Donovan on Retiring: “I just don’t think soccer will ever catch on”

Landon Donovan, the longtime face of soccer in the United States, announced his retirement yesterday, saying he simply doesn’t think the sport will ever take off in America.  Continue Reading →
becky-hammon-spurs

Becky Hammon Hoping to be Just as Completely Ignored as a Male NBA Assistant Coach

The San Antonio Spurs made history on Tuesday when they hired former WNBA star Becky Hammon to be the first full-time female assistant coach in NBA history and just the second female ... Continue Reading →
image

Will Muschamp Stops Practice Again to Remind Linemen Not to Block Each Other

Florida Gators head football coach Will Muschamp stopped practice several times again today to show his offensive linemen that they were blocking each other and to urge them to try ... Continue Reading →
AndyDalton

Bengals Sign Andy Dalton to 6-Year, $115 Million Deal with Team Option to Cut Him Week 2

The Cincinnati Bengals signed fourth-year quarterback Andy Dalton to a six-year, $115 million contract today. Dalton had just one year left on his current deal, while the new one keep ... Continue Reading →
paulgeorge

Paul George Trying to Ignore His Memory for a Few Days to Avoid Seeing Paul George Injury

NBA star Paul George said he is doing his best to avoid using his memory for a few days in order to prevent himself from seeing the horrific Paul George injury everyone is talking about. Continue Reading →
fitch

Uncle Nate Accidentally Backs Over Brian Hoyer in Browns Parking Lot

Veteran Brian Hoyer and first round draft pick Johnny Manziel were reportedly in a close battle for the starting job at Browns training camp, but the position has essentially now been won ... Continue Reading →
sewage

A’s to Give Jon Lester Prized Locker Farthest Away from Raw Sewage

The Oakland A’s have acquired a new ace in Jon Lester and they are prepared to treat him with the respect he’s earned throughout his career. Continue Reading →
Chicago Cubs Primary Logo

Cubs to Let Position Players Pitch Their Remaining Games

Following the Cubs extra-inning victory Tuesday night in which position player John Baker earned the win pitching in relief – coupled with the knowledge that the rest of the ... Continue Reading →
ryan howard

Report: Phillies Unwilling to Budge on Ryan Howard Being Terrible in Trade Talks

The Philadelphia Phillies are looking to deal veteran first baseman Ryan Howard before the trade deadline and have told teams they will eat essentially all of the $50 million-plus remaining ... Continue Reading →
RayRiceWife

Roger Goodell Fines Ray Rice’s Wife $500,000 for Her Role in Getting Knocked Out

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, facing criticism he did not punish Ray Rice enough for knocking out his then-fiancee and dragging her unconscious body into a casino hotel lobby, expanded ... Continue Reading →
schaub

Matt Schaub Wowing Raider Teammates With Tales of 2012 Wildcard Win Over Bengals

New Oakland Raiders quarterback Matt Schaub has found it easy to establish his credibility in the team’s locker room, armed with the tale of his magical 19-13 win over the Cincinnati ... Continue Reading →
hi-res-77110142_crop_north

Maryland, Rutgers Learn Big Ten Membership Just a Cruel Prank: “You didn’t really think we liked you, did you?”

Representatives of the Maryland and Rutgers athletic departments were seen crying and running from the opening of Big Ten media days this morning when they discovered that their supposed ... Continue Reading →
desean-jackson-crips

Report: Eagles Worried DeSean Jackson Will Order a Training Camp Drive-By

Members of the Philadelphia Eagles front office are reportedly growing increasingly concerned that former Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson could order a shooting at their training ... Continue Reading →
SkinnerAndGoodell

Roger Goodell’s Wife Too Scared to Tell Him She Thinks He Went Easy on Ray Rice

Jane Skinner, the former FOX News host and current wife of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, has told friends she is angry over the two-game suspension her husband handed down to Ravens ... Continue Reading →
Cutler

Jay Cutler Takes Long Drag on Cigarette, Sighs, Steps Onto Practice Field

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler begrudgingly began another football season today when he took a long, slow drag on his cigarette and snuffed it out on the ground with his foot ... Continue Reading →
ryan howard

Phillies Honor 2008 World Series Championship Team for 263rd Consecutive Game

The Philadelphia Phillies honored their 2008 World Series team again last night by playing a lineup that featured Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Carlos Ruiz in a loss to the Giants, ... Continue Reading →