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Johnny Battlefield? Johnny Manziel Drafted by U.S. Army

Caught up in the Johnny Manziel media circus, President Barack Obama decided today that he, too, would like Manziel as part of his team, drafting the former Texas A&M standout into ... Continue Reading →
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U.S. World Cup Team Motivated to Get Cristiano Ronaldo’s Autograph

The U.S. Men’s National Team may be a heavy underdog in the “Group of Death” with Germany, Ghana and Portugal, but the members of the squad are still heading to Brazil ... Continue Reading →
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Spurs Announce AT&T Center Heating System is Working Perfectly for Game 2

Days after a broken air conditioning system  created a sweltering atmosphere for Game 1 of the NBA Finals and pushed LeBron James out of the game with cramps, the Spurs announced ... Continue Reading →
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California Chrome Not Too Disappointed About Losing Triple Crown Because He’s a Stupid Fucking Horse

Despite failing to be the first horse to win the Triple Crown since 1978, California Chrome is not too disappointed over failing to achieve history in light of him being a stupid fucking ... Continue Reading →
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Heat Motivated to Win Another Title for LeBron’s Legacy

The Miami Heat say to a man that they are primed and ready to win another NBA title, which would be the team’s third in a row, to bolster the legacy of LeBron James.  Continue Reading →

Steve Abstaining from Sex During Fantasy Season Again

Your friend Steve is abstaining from sex for yet another fantasy sports season, keeping up a tradition of his that dates back years. Continue Reading →
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Report: Serge Ibaka Out for the NBA Finals

Oklahoma City Thunder big man Serge Ibaka confirmed today that he will not play in the NBA Finals, set to begin tonight in San Antonio.  Continue Reading →
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Henrik Lundqvist to Miss Stanley Cup Final to Seek Treatment for Advil Addiction

The New York Rangers will be forced to play in the first Stanley Cup Final in 20 years without their best player, as star goaltender Henrik Lundqvist shocked teammates and friends today ... Continue Reading →

Team Management Somehow Unaware That Promoting Top Prospect Will Instantly Make Team Awesome

Despite repeated demands from fans on social media and talk radio, as well as many local columnists and radio hosts, the management of multiple Major League Baseball teams is somehow ... Continue Reading →

Idiot in Line Buying Conference Champion Apparel

Some moron in line over there has a bunch of conference championship t-shirts and hats, and is apparently prepared to spend more than $100 for stuff only an idiot would ever purchase. Continue Reading →
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California Chrome’s Handlers Deny Horse’s Vegas Party Weekend Shows a Lack of Focus

California Chrome was spotted partying in Las Vegas this weekend, touching off a flurry of speculation that the Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes champion is not focused on his Triple ... Continue Reading →
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Struggling Minor League Pitcher Sent Down to Work as Mechanic

Andrew Brown, a starting pitcher for the Colorado Rockies single A affiliate Asheville Tourists, has been sent down to work as a mechanic, following the 24 year olds constant struggles ... Continue Reading →
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Report: The Spurs Think You’re Boring

The San Antonio Spurs find you incredibly boring, according to opinions expressed today by numerous members of the organization. “So lame. So so lame,” said head coach Gregg ... Continue Reading →