bortles

Blake Bortles: “I vow to make any team who drafts me regret it”

Former Central Florida quarterback Blake Bortles promised today that he will make any team who passes him up in May’s NFL Draft “be so glad that they did.” “Some ... Continue Reading →
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Team USA Bobsled Brakeman Checks Monster.com Again for Bobsled Brakeman Openings

Steve Masterson, bobsled brakeman for USA 2 at the Sochi Olympics, returned to his computer again this morning to conduct a job search on Monster.com for “bobsled brakeman” openings. ... Continue Reading →
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MLB Approves Limiting Home Plate Collisions: “Unless they involve that a**hole Pierzynski”

Major League Baseball took a big step in approving player safety this week, imposing rules that would effectively limit the amount of collisions between base runners and catchers, ... Continue Reading →
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Alabama Punter Cody Mandell Runs 40 in No One Cares

Former Alabama Crimson Tide punter Cody Mandell participated in this week’s NFL combine in Indianapolis and put up a 40-yard dash time of no one cares and a vertical jump of what’s ... Continue Reading →
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Knicks Promise Fans Season Will be Over in Just 50 Days

The New York Knicks sent an e-mail to season ticket holders this morning promising them that the 2013-2014 is “rapidly approaching its end” and “will hopefully be ... Continue Reading →
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Jadeveon Clowney Wows Scouts by Playing Through Four Concussions in NFL Combine Head Bludgeoning Test

Former South Carolina defensive end Jadeveon Clowney demonstrated an ability to play through repeated head trauma today, impressing scouts who feared he might not be willing to sacrifice ... Continue Reading →
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Sports Writers Return from Sochi to Dilapidated Cities with Terrible Infrastructure

American sportswriters have been tweeting out mind-blowing photos of their hometown cities in recent days as they return from the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. “Look at these ... Continue Reading →
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90,000 Olympic Village Condoms Go Unused: “Athletes just uglier this year”

As the 2014 Winter Olympic games concluded Sunday night, an unprecedented 90,000 condoms still remained unused in the Olympic Village, a fact expert are contributing to the appearance ... Continue Reading →
canada

Canada Wins Hockey Gold, Goes Into One of Its Drunken Stupors

Canada won the gold medal in men’s hockey on Sunday, dominating Sweden for a 3-0 victory and plunging the nation’s 35 million citizens into one of its drunken stupors. “Braaaah ... Continue Reading →
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Young American Hockey Player Dreams of Growing Up to be Canadian

Little Alex Perry, age 7, has been skating since the age of three and playing hockey since before his fifth birthday. His parents say he loves the sport and watches it and practices ... Continue Reading →
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Johnny Manziel Blows an Impressive 0.20 on the NFL Combine Breathalyzer Test

Johnny Manziel wowed NFL scouts today at the draft combine by blowing a 0.20 on the breathalyzer test, crushing the combine record. “It answered a lot of questions about him,” ... Continue Reading →
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Johnny Weir Finds Great Deal on Polo Shirts on Latest Shopping Trip

NBC figure skating analyst Johnny Weir said he scored a “major deal” today on polo shirts, getting two for $20 at a Russian department store. “I spend a lot of money ... Continue Reading →
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Ravens Expected to Take Strong Stance Against Ray Rice Punching His Fiancée Since He Averaged Only 3.1 Yards Per Carry This Season

Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice is facing charges in Atlantic City related to an incident last weekend in which witnesses say he knocked out his fiancée at a casino with an ... Continue Reading →