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NFL Announces New “Domestic Violence Awareness” Jerseys with 8% of Profits Going to Charity

Due to increased pressure from fans and media over the Ray Rice case, commissioner Roger Goodell announced this morning in a hastily arranged press conference that the league will begin ... Continue Reading →
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Honest NFL Headlines: Week 1

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NCAA Agrees to Pay All Athletes Except Big Ten Football Players

In a landmark decision this morning, the NCAA announced it has agreed to pay all Division I NCAA athletes between $5,000 and $15,000 each year, depending on the sport they play. But ... Continue Reading →
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12th Man Arrested for Public Intoxication

Famed Seattle superfan 12th Man was cited for public intoxication following the team’s home opener. Witnesses say 12th Man had thousands of gallons of beer to drink at the game ... Continue Reading →
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Roger Goodell Apologizes for All the Glitches in This Year’s NFL

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell apologized today for the many glitches being uncovered in the latest edition of the NFL. From repeated stoppages in play due to penalties to player and ... Continue Reading →
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Tigers Pitcher Justin Verlander Confirms He Had Lots of Sex with Supermodel Kate Upton

Detroit Tigers starting pitcher Justin Verlander today confirmed that photos that hit the Internet last weekend showing him and supermodel Kate Upton in various states of undress are ... Continue Reading →
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Miami Hurricanes Hire Recording of Ray Lewis Yelling About Stuff as New Head Coach

The Miami Hurricanes announced today that they have relieved head football coach Al Golden of his duties. The program’s new head coach will be a recording turned all the way up ... Continue Reading →
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Struggling Manchester United Announces it Will Finish Out Its Career in the MLS

Manchester United, a 20-year veteran of the English Premier League and once one of the brightest stars in the sport, announced today it will play out the twilight of its career in Major ... Continue Reading →
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Newest Madden So Realistic, Users Can’t Control Players

In what game reviewers are calling a bold and innovative move, the newest version of the popular Madden football game, Madden 15, will be so realistic, users will no longer have the ... Continue Reading →
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Reports: NBC Planning to Cut Cris Collinsworth After Poor Preseason Performance

According to numerous reports, NBC is planning to cut longtime color commentator Cris Collinsworth when the network sets its final NFL broadcast team before the regular season opens ... Continue Reading →
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Derrick Rose’s Knees Not Sure How to Tell Him They’ll Never be the Same

The knees of Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose are unsure how to make it clear to their owner that he in no way should ever expect them to feel or perform the way they did when ... Continue Reading →
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Trent Richardson Unable to Escape, Overrun by Swarm of Ants at Colts Practice

A ghoulish scene played out on the field at Indianapolis Colts practice today, as running back Trent Richardson was unable to break away from some ants that were near him in the grass ... Continue Reading →
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New NFL Stadium Security Protocol Requires Fans to Turn Over All Cash and Valuables Upon Entry

The NFL announced an update to its stadium security protocol today which the league says will keep its games “safer than ever” while also providing a lucrative new revenue ... Continue Reading →
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Titans Say They Won’t Start Johnny Manziel Week 1 in Desperate Attempt to Make the News

Tennessee Titans head coach Ken Whisenhunt announced today that Johnny Manziel would not start for the team in their season opener “mostly on account of the fact that he doesn’t ... Continue Reading →
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Reports: Browns Still Going to Suck

Despite a wave of optimism following the drafting of Johnny Manziel in May, mounting evidence suggests the Cleveland Browns are still really going to suck. Continue Reading →
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NASCAR in Talks with Dale, Jr. and Danica Patrick to Conceive a Super-Marketable Baby

NASCAR officials are reportedly close to a deal with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Danica Patrick in which the circuit’s two most popular names will engage in intercourse in order to ... Continue Reading →
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Landon Donovan on Retiring: “I just don’t think soccer will ever catch on”

Landon Donovan, the longtime face of soccer in the United States, announced his retirement yesterday, saying he simply doesn’t think the sport will ever take off in America.  Continue Reading →
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Becky Hammon Hoping to be Just as Completely Ignored as a Male NBA Assistant Coach

The San Antonio Spurs made history on Tuesday when they hired former WNBA star Becky Hammon to be the first full-time female assistant coach in NBA history and just the second female ... Continue Reading →