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Struggling Manchester United Announces it Will Finish Out Its Career in the MLS

Manchester United, a 20-year veteran of the English Premier League and once one of the brightest stars in the sport, announced today it will play out the twilight of its career in Major ... Continue Reading →
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Newest Madden So Realistic, Users Can’t Control Players

In what game reviewers are calling a bold and innovative move, the newest version of the popular Madden football game, Madden 15, will be so realistic, users will no longer have the ... Continue Reading →
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Reports: NBC Planning to Cut Cris Collinsworth After Poor Preseason Performance

According to numerous reports, NBC is planning to cut longtime color commentator Cris Collinsworth when the network sets its final NFL broadcast team before the regular season opens ... Continue Reading →
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Derrick Rose’s Knees Not Sure How to Tell Him They’ll Never be the Same

The knees of Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose are unsure how to make it clear to their owner that he in no way should ever expect them to feel or perform the way they did when ... Continue Reading →
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Trent Richardson Unable to Escape, Overrun by Swarm of Ants at Colts Practice

A ghoulish scene played out on the field at Indianapolis Colts practice today, as running back Trent Richardson was unable to break away from some ants that were near him in the grass ... Continue Reading →
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New NFL Stadium Security Protocol Requires Fans to Turn Over All Cash and Valuables Upon Entry

The NFL announced an update to its stadium security protocol today which the league says will keep its games “safer than ever” while also providing a lucrative new revenue ... Continue Reading →
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Titans Say They Won’t Start Johnny Manziel Week 1 in Desperate Attempt to Make the News

Tennessee Titans head coach Ken Whisenhunt announced today that Johnny Manziel would not start for the team in their season opener “mostly on account of the fact that he doesn’t ... Continue Reading →
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Reports: Browns Still Going to Suck

Despite a wave of optimism following the drafting of Johnny Manziel in May, mounting evidence suggests the Cleveland Browns are still really going to suck. Continue Reading →
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NASCAR in Talks with Dale, Jr. and Danica Patrick to Conceive a Super-Marketable Baby

NASCAR officials are reportedly close to a deal with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Danica Patrick in which the circuit’s two most popular names will engage in intercourse in order to ... Continue Reading →
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Landon Donovan on Retiring: “I just don’t think soccer will ever catch on”

Landon Donovan, the longtime face of soccer in the United States, announced his retirement yesterday, saying he simply doesn’t think the sport will ever take off in America.  Continue Reading →
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Becky Hammon Hoping to be Just as Completely Ignored as a Male NBA Assistant Coach

The San Antonio Spurs made history on Tuesday when they hired former WNBA star Becky Hammon to be the first full-time female assistant coach in NBA history and just the second female ... Continue Reading →
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Will Muschamp Stops Practice Again to Remind Linemen Not to Block Each Other

Florida Gators head football coach Will Muschamp stopped practice several times again today to show his offensive linemen that they were blocking each other and to urge them to try ... Continue Reading →
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Bengals Sign Andy Dalton to 6-Year, $115 Million Deal with Team Option to Cut Him Week 2

The Cincinnati Bengals signed fourth-year quarterback Andy Dalton to a six-year, $115 million contract today. Dalton had just one year left on his current deal, while the new one keep ... Continue Reading →
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Paul George Trying to Ignore His Memory for a Few Days to Avoid Seeing Paul George Injury

NBA star Paul George said he is doing his best to avoid using his memory for a few days in order to prevent himself from seeing the horrific Paul George injury everyone is talking about. Continue Reading →
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Uncle Nate Accidentally Backs Over Brian Hoyer in Browns Parking Lot

Veteran Brian Hoyer and first round draft pick Johnny Manziel were reportedly in a close battle for the starting job at Browns training camp, but the position has essentially now been won ... Continue Reading →
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A’s to Give Jon Lester Prized Locker Farthest Away from Raw Sewage

The Oakland A’s have acquired a new ace in Jon Lester and they are prepared to treat him with the respect he’s earned throughout his career. Continue Reading →
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Cubs to Let Position Players Pitch Their Remaining Games

Following the Cubs extra-inning victory Tuesday night in which position player John Baker earned the win pitching in relief – coupled with the knowledge that the rest of the ... Continue Reading →
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Report: Phillies Unwilling to Budge on Ryan Howard Being Terrible in Trade Talks

The Philadelphia Phillies are looking to deal veteran first baseman Ryan Howard before the trade deadline and have told teams they will eat essentially all of the $50 million-plus remaining ... Continue Reading →