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Carmelo Anthony Vows to Silence as Many as Seven Critics This Year

Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony told the media today that he has intentions for the kind of season “that could silence a small handful of my many critics.”  Continue Reading →
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Depressed Billy Beane Drinks a Case of Beer with the Most Efficient Alcohol-to-Cost Ratio

Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane took his team’s latest postseason elimination hard, pounding bottles of Dogfish Head World Wide Stout into the wee hours to drown ... Continue Reading →
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Tom Brady Knows Just the Right Scarf to Turn Patriots Season Around

The New England Patriots look as bad as they ever have since Tom Brady became the full-time quarterback in 2001. But with 12 games left in the season, the veteran quarterback knows ... Continue Reading →
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Cowboys New Offense, in Which Tony Romo Immediately Hands the Ball to Someone Else, Performing Well

The Dallas Cowboys are off to a surprising 3-1 start this season thanks to a new offense that is focused on quarterback Tony Romo having the ball in his hands as little as possible.  Continue Reading →
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MLB Honors Paul Konerko’s Career by Mailing Him a $20 Amazon Gift Card

While Derek Jeter’s final games got most of the publicity in the last week of the regular season, another longtime veteran with impressive career numbers and a World Series title ... Continue Reading →
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Honest NFL Headlines: Week 4

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Royal Air Force Vows to Shoot Raiders and Dolphins Out of the Sky if They Enter British Airspace

The Chief Commander of the Royal Air Force vowed today that the team planes of the Oakland Raiders and Miami Dolphins will be shot out of the sky if they attempt to enter British airspace ... Continue Reading →
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Derek Jeter Thanks the Fans and Media for All the Years of Taking Sports Way Too Seriously

New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter expressed gratitude for all the support he has received over the years after his final game at Yankees Stadium on Thursday night.  Continue Reading →
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Study: There’s No Logical Reason Someone Isn’t Gruesomely Injured on Every Football Play

According to a study published today in the New England Journal of Medicine, there is absolutely no reason why every football play at the college and pro level does not conclude with ... Continue Reading →
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Roger Goodell Suspends Roger Goodell for Two Weeks, But Wins Appeal Hearing with Roger Goodell

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that he suspended himself for two weeks in light of his recent poor performance as commissioner that has “tarnished the NFL shield.” ... Continue Reading →
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Honest NFL Headlines: Week 3

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President Obama Orders Targeted Airstrikes on NFL Teams

President Obama today authorized a U.S. military campaign against the NFL, authorizing U.S. airstrikes of the NFL headquarters along with expanded airstrikes in NFL cities as he ... Continue Reading →
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Oh, No. NFL News Reportedly About to Break.

According to several league sources and insiders, some NFL news is set to break within the hour. Continue Reading →
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Orioles Turn Down Derek Jeter’s Request for the AL East Title as a Retirement Gift

The Baltimore Orioles clinched their first American League East crown since 1997 on Tuesday night, an accomplishment many are calling an egregious slap in the face to retiring Yankees ... Continue Reading →

NFL Asks Peyton Manning to Keep Hidden for a Few Months Whatever Horrible Crimes He’s Doing

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent a letter to Peyton Manning today, asking the Broncos quarterback to do “whatever is in your power to continue covering up various crimes you ... Continue Reading →
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Griffins to Discontinue Faulty RG Line

The Griffins announced today that they will no longer produce RGs, in light of the many maintenance issues with the latest model, RGIII.  Continue Reading →
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Honest NFL Headlines: Week 2

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All Athletic Children to be Incarcerated as Part of Long-Term Crime Prevention Program

In an wide-ranging agreement between the Justice Department, FBI, state police in all 50 states and municipal police forces throughout the United States, all American children with ... Continue Reading →