Republican leadership took steps today to prohibit Stephen Strasburg from making his first major league start for the Washington Nationals, calling it a "spectacle" that "only serves the interests of those inside the beltway."
"I've talked to people all across the country who have told me they don't want this to happen," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "They could use a phenom pitching in their city, in their state and not just for the fat cats in Washington. So we plan to stop this from happening. Also, we had a hankering for some obstruction. It's been a few weeks, this is the biggest thing everyone in town is talking about, and we just can't wait anymore for the Supreme Court confirmation hearings to start."
Conservative radio talk show hosts and bloggers pounced on the directive, noting the "odd coincidence" that Strasburg just happened to land with the team for which President Obama threw out the first pitch on Opening Day.
"They need to check their facts," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs. "I thought everyone knew the president is a White Sox fan, so there is no way he would arrange for Stephen Strasburg to why the hell am I even having this ridiculous discussion?"
Others noted that Strasburg may be a socialist, thanks to his California upbringing, or maybe even a Nazi due to his German surname.
Movement superstar Sarah Palin mocked the Nationals in a post on her Facebook page: "You drafted Stephen Strasburg a year ago, Washington. Yet you're still in last place. How's that hopey, changey stuff working out for ya?"
President Obama ignored the controversy, saying only: "I welcome Stephen Strasburg to Washington and wish him all the best. And, if he has free time, I'd love for him to stop by the White House and teach me how to throw a baseball less Kenyan. Ah, shit."