Citing a desire to cut through the red tape that plagues the educational system for star NCAA basketball players, the University of Kentucky has awarded incoming freshman hoops sensation Brandon Knight with an honorary degree in “Sociology or Sports Management or Something Really Easy.”
“Brandon gives as much a f-ck about being educated as we do about educating him," explained Kentucky president Lee Todd Jr. “He’s not going to class, and if he does, it’ll be for a semester tops. So this is no more of a farce than pretending that he’s an actual student-athlete. And he deserves an honorary degree as much as any other famous person.”
Reading a prepared statement, head coach John Calipari lauded the decision: “I’d like to point out to all of the critics that Kentucky currently has the highest rate of honorary degrees of any team in the country. This is a great day for myself, Kentucky basketball, and insert NBA- ready point guard here.”
Former Indiana and Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight was unhappy with the decision, saying, “This is no way to prepare young men for the rest of their lives. The only way to properly do that is to abuse them verbally, physically, and emotionally for four years, so when they get out of college they’ve been emotionally scarred as much as possible and are prepared to take out all of their pent up frustration on everyone around them. That leads to success. In one area, at least. Like your career. It usually messes up your family.”
NBA commissioner David Stern weighed in on the situation while speaking on a talk radio program, “I realize that this is all happening because of the rule I instituted, but let me be perfectly clear: Yes, the Constitution says being 18 means you’re mature enough to enlist in the military and defend our country. But this is the NBA, not the Army. I mean, we’re talking about life and death here. Of our brand, I mean. Life and death of the NBA brand.”
Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski didn't have an opinion on Kentucky's move.
"Is Brandon Knight a rich white kid or son of a former professional athlete?" he asked. "No? Then why should I give a shit?”