"Your idiocy brought this upon you," read a transmission that appeared on the wall in the White House's Oval Office. "A playoff would have saved you. But now we must rid the universe of a race so stupid that it no doubt would have eventually threatened the existence of us all."
While the alien strikes destroyed New York, Los Angeles, London, Paris, Beijing, Moscow, Cairo, Mumbai and Sao Paulo, the first laser beams were trained at cities throughout the American South, instantly killing millions of residents who had poured into streets, parks and public places to chant "S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!"
"These SEC humans were hurt by the BCS in the past, so their hypocrisy in embracing the system when is it to their benefit earned them the first death," read the message from the alien overlord.
With large population centers and the American South in ashes, the aliens will now pick just two humans that will be allowed to remain alive via a complex formula that will determine which two humans are "best".
"We wanted to kill everyone, which is what is deserved, but the irony of determining the two best of you cockroaches via an arbitrary formula, and letting those people stay alive, was too great to pass up," said the alien leader.