There are many different coaches. In fact, there seem to be about 20 or 30 on every team now. But every coach fits into one of these six categories
#1 THE PLAYERS COACH
Are you someone who doesn’t like to worry about petty, insignificant things like the playoffs? Would rather just have a good time and be able to enjoy yourself? This is the coach for you. Seriously, do whatever the hell you want, it’s cool.
Favorite play: “Um, I dunno, what do you guys want to do?”
Favorite motivational technique: Orange slices at halftime.
#2 THE MAD GENIUS
He may not always win, and he may turn off the majority of his players and fan base, but that’s okay, because he’s a misunderstood genius light years ahead of his time. Don’t believe me? Just ask any media figure, because they’re all contractually obligated to sprinkle in the word “genius” at least three times every five sentences when referring to him. I mean, for chrissake, hereadsbooks!
Favorite play: “OK you go over here where this rock is and hey you, you see what I’m doing with this twig? do that. Oh and while this is happening I’ll be drinking the blood of a firstborn goat. It's what I read that Mayan kings did! Hey, does anyone have any more crayons?”
Favorite motivational technique: Posting quotes from Sun Tzu’s "The Art of War", Dr. Seuss’s “Oh The Places You’ll Go”, and Cosmo’s “10 Tips To Drive Him Wild In Bed” on the team bulletin board.
#3 THE WIN-AT-ALL-COSTS COACH
There is literally nothing this guy won’t do to ensure a winning season. He’ll recruit who he wants to, how he wants to, and if the NCAA don’t like it, screw it, he’ll be at a new job next season anyways. Enjoy your sanctions, bitches!
Favorite play: “Bobby, you’re going to run off Derrick’s screen, catch a beej from one of those prostitute/cheerleader chicks, take a picture of Larry shaking hands with that Mafia figure, run back here and give me the money the Mafia guy gave you, and then dunk on that pimply-faced nerd. By the way, does anyone need more coke?”
Favorite motivational technique: Cold hard cash.
#4 THE FORMER STAR
He’s one of the greatest players in the history of his sport, which, unfortunately, doesn’t even come close to translating into a successful coaching career. Think your job’s frustrating? Try coaching a group of guys who aren’t paying attention to game film because they’re busy figuring out how to ask you to sign the poster of you still adorning the wall at their parents' house.
Favorite play: “Remember that time I scored 6 goals in a period? Yeah, do that.”
Favorite motivational technique: Unretiring.
#5 THE OLD-SCHOOL DISCIPLINARIAN
He’s been coaching since before your mom had her first period and don’t you forget it you little snot-nosed piece of shit. He longs for the days when shoving a player's head through the backboard was considered a subtle way to get someone’s attention. He also longs for the days when there weren’t black players, because he can only get one or two to play for him every decade.
Favorite play: The picket fence, then get back on D after one of the black guys on the other team blocks your shot.
Favorite motivational technique: (removed due to an ongoing NCAA ethics violation investigation involving a trampoline, 2 gallons of gasoline, and a dildo.)
[No picture. He said if we pointed a "f*!king camera at him again, you'll only be able to use it to film your colonoscopy."]
#6 The F^&%ing MORON WHAT IS HE DOING?!!
He’s basically a 21stcentury Wall Street executive with a clipboard and a whistle. No one’s really sure why he got the job, or why he’s kept it for so long, or why he didn’t call a timeout after the other team’s 12-0 run to start the third quarter. What everyone is sure of is:
A. He’s in way over his head
B.Theycould do a better job and
C. If he’s a minority, this isnotabout him being a minority. This kind of idiocy trumps race.
Favorite Play: OK, first things first, what sport is this again?
Favorite motivational technique: 14-game losing streaks.