One day after Commissioner Bud Selig announced cocaine use would be legalized and encouraged for every remaining Yankees-Red Sox series this season, the two teams played Sunday night’s matchup battle in just under 46 minutes, the shortest recorded game in modern MLB history.
The decision was a reaction to yet another pair of marathon contests between Boston and New York during the opening games of the weekend series, as both Friday and Saturday’s meetings lasted well over three hours.
“This ensures the youngest generation of MLB fans will have an opportunity to see baseball played at a reasonable hour," said Selig. "And sometimes the theft of youthful innocence as they witness their heroes lit up and out of their skulls is the price we have to pay. Although, more specifically, a grand per kilo is really the price we have to pay. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to use the bathroom.”
Dirt from the pitcher’s mound was replaced by pure, uncut blow direct from Bogota, Colombia. And while Sox starter Jon Lester’s first 17 pitches each topped 113 MPH, the lefthander proceeded to give up five home runs in the first inning alone, with each clearing the stadium and landing well past Lansdowne Street. In fact, the sheer force of Alex Rodriguez's home run left the slugger's right and left shoulders completely dislocated, though the third baseman didn’t seem notice what had happened as he sprinted around the base path, stopping only at second base to high five Dustin Pedroia. Pedroia reciprocated enthusiastically and followed Rodriguez into the bathroom before the inning was finished. Pedroia was replace by Marco Scutaro, who spent the rest of the inning looking for helicopters and asking Kevin Youkilis if he was a narc.
KC and the Sunshine Band were given the honors of playing the seventh inning stretch, but their set was marred by the ESPN cameras spanning across Fenway’s right field to reveal both team’s bullpens engaged in an orgy, which, by all accounts, had been going on for the previous two hours.
The rule change seemed to visibly affect Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon the most of anyone, as he was the most abrasive and idiotic player of all. Asked after the game why he though the drug had such an impact, the Sox closer replied: “OH SHIT THERE’S COKE?! WHERE?”