"Let's be honest, there is not one single professional reason for me to leave the Red Sox for the Cubs," the 38 year-old told reporters. "I mean, objectively speaking, the Red Sox are a better team with more money and a deeper farm system. I should be here. But this state is so fucking lame now it's unbearable. Seriously, it as a cultural wasteland."
The Brookline native and Yale graduate added that while it was not too long ago that he was proud to be from the Bay State, those feelings have eroded over the last few years.
"People think of Massachusetts as this great bastion of intelligence and progressiveness, but that doesn't exist anymore because all the cool people left 5 years ago. Have you even been here recently? It's like the South with better healthcare. You know who we elected to take over for Ted Kennedy? Scott Brown, the guy so uncool that if coolness was a batting average he'd be the Mendoza line."
Epstein explained that it was after meeting with Cubs front office brass in Chicago that he knew he had to make the move. "It was unbelievable, not two minutes after landing in O'Hare I saw someone my age reading a book that wasn't a self-help book or a Sarah Palin memoir."
When asked what he was looking forward to most about living in Chicago, the two time World Series winner said not having to spend his morning commute listening to WAAF play blocks of Staind and Papa Roach.
Epstein concluded the press conference by thanking the residents of Massachusetts for "being so fucking lame" that the only thing they care about is the success of a randomly assorted group of professional athletes.
"Before this week I always felt bad about not caring about the Red Sox as much as our fans, but now I realize it's because I'm literally the only person left in this state who actually has something going for him."
Though they've yet to respond, sources indicate that the Boston media and its fans will react boorishly and without any perspective.