Roger Goodell has been criticized for seeming to have no method to his suspension madness. This guy gets a four-game suspension for a seemingly minor traffic infraction, that guy gets a $5,000 fine for serial genocide.
But there really is a uniform procedure in place. It's a point system. And SportsPickle is the first to see it.
NFL SUSPENSION GENERATOR
1. Has the player been arrested? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 5 points for YES.)
2. Was the arrest caught on tape? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 10 points for YES.)
3. Was anything killed? (Add 0 points for NO and jump to #4. Add 20 points for YES.)
3(a). What was killed? (Add 10 points for human(s). Add 50 points for dog and 100 for each additional dog. Add 10 points if it was a plant, 20 if the plant was killed by lighting it on fire and smoking it.)
4. Does the player play in a large market? (Add 0 points for YES. Add 10 points for NO.)
5. Is the player white? (Add 0 points for YES.)
6. Is the player Asian? (Add 0 points for YES.)
7. Is the player Latino? (Add 0 points for YES.)
8. Is the player Native American? (Add 0 points for YES.)
9. Is the player something other than what's found in 5-8? (Add 10 points for YES.)
10. Does the player have a history of recreational drug use (not counting steroids and painkillers, of course)? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 5 points for YES.)
11. Does the player have a history of using steroids and/or painkillers? (Add 0 points for NO. Submit name to Canton voters for YES.)
12. Did the player stink of strip club when you met with him? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 10 points for YES and wash hands.)
13. Was the crime committed in sweat pants? (Add 0 points for NO. Point, laugh and mock for YES.)
14. Does the player watch "Happening Now" on Fox News, hosted by my wife, Jane Skinner? (Deduct 20 points for YES. Add 10 points for NO and have NFL Security investigate them for possible socialist behaviors.)
15. Is the player a fellow ginger? (Add 15 points for NO. Deduct 100 points for YES.)
16. Think of a number between 10 and 100. Now add that many points to the score. Or deduct that many. Whichever.
0 to 10 points = monetary fine
11 to 20 points = kangaroo
21 to 30 points = 7
31 to 40 points = the moon landing was a hoax
41 to 50 points = I smell paint.
51 points or more = I'M CRAZY!!!!