"We have reviewed all the facts relating to the Miami Hurricanes football program," Emmert told reporters at the packed media event. "And really nothing seemed out of the ordinary. If it's not obvious to everyone by now, and I don't know how it could not be, players in all of our programs good, bad and mediocre are getting paid and doing strippers and blow. Have been for a while, too. So let's move on, okay?"
Emmert said he actually found the level of corruption at Miami "adorably old-fashioned."
"Really? Just one abortion that was paid for?" he said. "That's well below average. I know of several programs where coaches have personally paid for abortions for players who have impregnated their wives players they gave their wives to for sex. Miami is practically Amish compared to some of the shit I've seen."
Many reporters questioned Emmert's claim that every NCAA program is dirty, so the president then encouraged those gathered to shout out school names.
"Stanford," said one reporter.
"They sacrifice a live hooker before each game," said Emmert. "I've seen it with my own eyes. Next?"
"Notre Dame," shouted out another reporter.
"There's not a guy on the team who makes less than 300-grand a year," said Emmert. "And they're paid in checks signed by the pope. Not a word of a lie."
"Duke," another voice called out.
"Oh, wow. Pretty much non-stop drugs and orgies," said Emmert. "They're so tired they can't even perform on the field. Look, we can do this all day. Just know that your alma mater, your favorite team, they're all dirty. We could clean it up, but then you'd be watching a lot of crap football. Is that what you people want?"
No one submitted that they did. Emmert then dropped the microphone on the stage and walked out.