"I started working for the NBA because it was the only job I could get right out of law school, and I just ended up stuck here," Stern explained. "I mean, just because you're a manager at McDonald's, it doesn't mean you have to enjoy their crappy food, right?"
The commissioner was asked why he seems intent on destroying the NBA, rather than just stepping away from his position and the sport, and Stern continued to take shots at the sport and its players.
"If I just step down now, and end this lockout, doesn't that make me as much of a quitter as LeBron James," he asked. "So much quitting. And don't get me started on Michael Jordan. That guy STILL owes me money from all the bets he lost."
Stern, who's been an NBA employee for more than 30 years, said he once had a casual appreciation for the game of basketball, but years of being forced to watch games night after night broke him down. He cited the frequent horrendous play by his hometown New York Knicks as the final straw in his crusade to end basketball forever.
"Seriously, Isiah Thomas," Stern said. "Who thinks it's a good idea to keep going after that? Who would still like basketball? Anyone?! Exactly. Not one hand out there is raised right now."
Stern hopes that by destroying the NBA, he'll open up free time and resources for fans to follow him to his true passion: insurance claims litigation.
Players' union chief Billy Hunter did not comment on the league's imminent disbanding, and instead whimpered and rocked back and forth in the fetal position, as he's been doing non-stop since the lockout began.