"The fking in 'How My Ass Tastes' is horribly contrived," famed film critic Roger Ebert wrote on his blog today. "Who knew it was possible, but Shaq is worse at something than delivering a line of dialogue. And that's delivering a thrust."
The 'New York Times' gave the sex tape an even harsher review:
"No one cares much about a plot in a sex tape. But I haven't watched anything this empty and pointless since I saw the first four minutes of 'Kazaam' before walking out."
The Shaq tape reportedly dates back to 2008 and shows O'Neal with two women. The footage was captured on a security camera.
"If there's one redeeming quality, it's that the grainy, security camera footage somewhat masks Shaq's lumpy, sweaty, wheezing body," wrote Ebert. "It's all that kept me from vomiting on my television."
Yet while critics have ripped the tape, industry experts expect it to do quite well.
"It's really the only movie out there this summer that isn't a sequel or in 3D," said one industry insider. "It's unique. Plus, I'll admit I laughed at a few parts. Like 30 seconds in when Shaq dozes off for a few minutes. Or at the end when he motorboats the one girl after pouring nacho cheese between her breasts."