Giant fatass Brooklyn Decker, her once desirable body hanging with cellulite just a week after her Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue hit newsstands, says she suspects SI's famed cover jinx is the cause of her sudden and disgusting weight gain.
Decker visited her doctor in Manhattan last week after noticing the early stages of the weight gain in the hours after the issue went on sale, as well as seeing a decrease of two cup sizes in her breasts. But a team of specialists could find no cause for the changes.
"I'm not going to lie. This is really going to test our marriage and my love for her," said her husband, tennis player Andy Roddick. "Sweet Jesus. She's disgusting. Look at her just hanging off the couch over there. I don't think I can love a pig like that."
On top of the 200 pounds the model has gained, Decker has tested positive for herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea and an STD that before was only known to be present in a rare species of owl from sub-Saharan Africa. Her clitoris has also formed into a small, but functioning penis.
"If it wasn't so sad and if she wasn't so distraught about it all if she wasn't so goddam gross to look at now, it would really be a fascinating medical case," said Decker's physician, Dr. Emmitt Monfit. "That said, I'd like to give her more tests, but I honestly can't do it. She reeks of rotten cheese and when I got into this business, I promised myself I'd only examine hot chicks. Brooklyn is definitely not that anymore."
Sports Illustrated editor Terry McDonell says he has seen this happen before, and that the possibility of something like this happening due to the SI cover jinx is listed in every cover model's contract, but that they rarely read the small print.
"Brooklyn is not the first, unfortunately," said McDonell. "Have you seen Tyra Banks these days? Gross. I mean, no, she's not as big a tub as Brooklyn is, but she is incredibly annoying. I know I wouldn't do her."