A study of American Olympians released today found that 98-percent find other countries' national anthems stupid. Two percent think they are just boring.
"U.S. Olympians by a huge margin dislike having to listen to the anthems of other nations," said Nancy Grazban, a USOC staffer who conducted the research. "In fact, they hate it, and many would rather pour boiling water directly into their eardrums than have to listen to any more of the pathetic dirges that supposedly honor these overseas craplands."
U.S. skiing star Lindsey Vonn said her intense dislike of foreign anthems drives he desire to succeed.
"Losing means you get subjected to the musical suck that is foreign anthems," she said. "I try to win simply because I don't want to have to fake reverence for some country's retarded ditty. Just more 'America the Beautiful' or whatever it is for me, thanks."
Speed skater Shani Davis said he is confused why other countries even have national anthems.
"I mean, what is it that they have to be so proud about anyway?" he asked. "Oooh you won some naval battle back in the 1700s against some other dumb little country nobody cares about anymore. What have you done for me lately? U-S-A, baby. U-S-A."
Bode Miller echoed Davis' sentiments.
"Until these other countries become as great as we are, I say they just keep their songs to themselves. They'd be better off just standing there silently and thinking about what they need to do to be like us. I can't tell you how much I wanted to jab a knife in my ears when I had to listen to the Russian anthem the other night. Oooh Russia! There's a really great friggin' country. Poverty rocks!"
"The anthem I hate the most is South Korea's," said Apolo Anton Ohno. "It's all da-da-da-dum-dum-dee-dum-dum. I'm standing there thinking: 'Seriously, you people couldn't come up with something better than this?' And the stupid Korean guy was tearing up. I guess because his anthem sucked so bad."