If you have seen any coverage leading up to Super Bowl XLIV between the Colts and the Saints, you may have noticed that former Saints quarterback Archie Manning father of Colts' star Peyton has apparently become an NFL legend. One of the greats.
It doesn't matter what you watch, you'll hear that Archie is the former "star quarterback of the New Orleans Saints." Interesting. Because he was terrible in the NFL. A complete disaster. Yet 25 years after his NFL career ended HE'S SUDDENLY A LEGEND!
How did this happen? Take heart, fellow lousy NFLers! You, too, can one day re-write history and become a star. Just follow Archie's Five Steps to Becoming an NFL Legend!
STEP 1: Have a great college career
Having a great college career lays the groundwork. Your supporters will say that because you were great in college, you are, therefore, great wherever you go after that. You may ask: How is this possible? I am past this stage. I am already in the NFL! Exactly. You wouldn’t have made it to the NFL without having a great collegiate career. Congratulations! You already completed step one. Everyone in the NFL is Archie Manning.
STEP 2: Suck, but for a bad team
The hardest part of being seen as a great NFL player is being great in the NFL. It’s quite difficult. It’s much easier to blow. Really, really blow. Like Archie Manning-in-the-NFL blow. The kind of blowing that produces, in 14 seasons, 125 touchdowns, 173 interceptions, a 55.2 completion percentage and a career quarterback rating of 67.1.
Due to playing like this, your team will suck. But let everyone think that you are incapable of succeeding ONLY because you are surrounded by such poor talent. See the subtle difference there? Yes, Archie Manning led 12 years worth of terrible Saints teams. But it’s only because he never had any good players in all those years. He was the victim! His obvious greatness was thwarted by those around him!Makes sense, right?! But wouldn't a truly great player at some point have led his inferior teammates to better things? Ridiculous! You're ruining the narrative.
STEP 3: Have your wife squeeze out a few quarterbacks
They will be your legacy. Use the time other players –- good players spend in the playoffs to lay some pipe.
STEP 4: Become part of the media
Everyone knows the media will never criticize one of their own. They just think it’s cool to hang out with someone who actually played football. To them, you’re one of the greatest NFL players who ever lived because you know their name!
STEP 5: Get your kids to the NFL
Mentor, mentor, mentor. Try to coach out of them all the many natural failings you passed on through your genes. Only one of them needs to have real success. The other one can be a mediocre dim-wit who luckily stuck a football to a guy's helmet while he was running away from a tackler in terror. By having a kid or two in the NFL, your dumbest and laziest of media members and fans will just assume the patriarch of such a family MUST have been awesome himself!
Congratulations! You’ve done it! By completing these five steps, you have miraculously transformed your failed NFL career into that of a legend! At least in the mind of the sports media and general public.
Someone forward this on to JaMarcus Russell. You can DO this, big fella!