On a day in which Tiger Woods was cut from the British Open – only the second missed cut in a major of his pro career – golf officials expressed concern that the Open Championship will take a major TV ratings hit.
“Tiger really brings in Cablanasian viewers,” said PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem. “But now our nation’s Cablanasian population is turning off the Open now that their white-black-Asian icon out of commission. And, unfortunately, we currently don’t have any good Cablanasian golfers who can step in for him to keep that demographic’s interest.”
While ABC was hoping for huge ratings for weekend coverage of the British Open with Tiger Woods on the leaderboard, now the network is wondering who will still watch.
“We can’t say for certain that all Cablanasians will turn off golf,” said Nielsen Ratings spokesman Jeffrey Tamore. “But it makes perfect sense. For example, I watched less basketball when Larry Bird retired. And I’m sure Cablanasians behave pretty much the same when it comes to that stuff as the rest of us. Implying differently sounds like something an anti-Cablanasite would say, don’t you think?”
Finchem admits no one knows the exact number of Cablanasians in the United States, but he’s sure there are a lot.
“The U.S. Census Bureau for some reason doesn’t record Cablanasians,” he said. “The only one we know of for sure is Tiger Woods. But here’s what else we do know: there are a lot of white people. And a lot of black people. And a lot of Asian people. And people like to have sex. It stands to reason, then, that many of these people have had sex together. I know several of my friends, for example, who are totally into Asian chicks. Throw that all together and … boom! All of a sudden you’ve got yourself a few hundred million Cablanasians. And right now they’re not watching golf.”
Some in the golf community fear that if Woods’ slump drags on, the sport could lose Cablanasians for good.
“I am afraid we’ll be ruined if the Cablanasian community discovers the Food Network,” said Finchem. “Have you seen all of the fusion food they cook on that channel? Cablanasians love that stuff. As they should. It’s delicious. Not to stereotype, but Cablanasians have great food.”