The Dallas Cowboys made history on Saturday night with a decisive 34-14 win over the Philadelphia Eagles, the franchise's first playoff victory in 13 years. But it turns out it will also be the team's last for 57 more years.
"That is disappointing to hear," said quarterback Tony Romo. "But I'm still going to try to enjoy this win because playoff victories are hard to come by. As this news illustrates."
After a narrow, heartbreaking loss this coming weekend in the divisional round of the playoffs, the Cowboys will embark on a string of postseason failures that will dwarf their most recent run, and establish a record for major professional sports.
Next year the team will be the No. 1 overall seed in the NFC playoffs, but suffer an upset loss at home in the divisional round. 2011 will see the team squeak into the playoffs as a wildcard team and go down to defeat in the first round. That will lead to a massive overhaul of the team by owner Jerry Jones highlighted by foolish and panicked free agent signings and draft picks.
By 2017, Jones will convince Brett Favre to come out of retirement and the aging gunslinger will lead the Cowboys back to the playoffs, only to lose in the first round again. This will be the last the team sees of the postseason again for decades. Losses will pile up. Each free agent signing will be more foolish than the last. Jones will start a woman at quarterback for much of the 2030s.
"This sounds incredibly awesome," said Philadelphia Eagles fan Jeff Monroe.
The Cowboys will fold for much of the 2040s, before Dallas is awarded another team for the 2048 season. The rebooted franchise will play like an expansion team much longer than it should, and will compile three consecutive winless seasons from 2054 to 2056. But by 2065 the team will be back in the playoffs and, in 2067, that elusive playoff win will come.
"So not again until 2067, huh? Ouch," said team owner Jerry Jones, 67. "It's unlikely I live that long. I'd be 124. Hopefully plastic surgery on internal organs improves in the next few years."
Following the 2067 victory, the team will hold a rally before its second round game, during which Cowboys Stadium will be struck by a meteor and destroyed.