It's a new year. Time to get in shape!
Thanks to SportsPickle you can go from fat and dumpy to sleek and muscular in just TWO EASY STEPS! And only 20 MINUTES!
No, you get out. It's true! Here's how.
STEP 1 Take a BEFORE picture
Having a particularly shameful Before picture is the key to any good program that produces noticeable results. But just like how there is a right way and a wrong way to eat, run and lift weights, there is a right way and a wrong way to take a Before picture. Here is the right way:
Go to an area with terrible lighting If you have an abandoned building in your neighborhood, one with just a single lightbulb that hangs from the ceiling, this is where you want to take your Before picture. Ask a crackhead to take the shot. Barring that, standing in your hallway using just the light from a hallway closet works well. Wherever it is that you take your Before shot, the key is to make sure the light is not flattering in any way. You want to be lit so your body casts a lot of shadows. And turn the flash off on your camera.
Push your stomach out as far as possible More, more, more. There you go. You look like a pregnant fat chick now.
Pull in your chin Even skinny people like you can look like they have a double-chin! Just pull in your chin so your neck skin bulges out below it. There. Perfect. Disgusting.
Slump your shoulders This is where the work starts to get hard. Pushing out your stomach, pulling in your chin and slumping your shoulders all at once can be hard. Be careful you don't break a sweat. That would be like a real workout. Plus, glistening does not come into the program until the AFTER picture.
Cover yourself in hair A bad beard or goatee can make you look depressed. And grow out your chest hair, too. Hair on your chest and stomach conceals any definition you have in your pecs and abs. Note: the beard and chest hair thing goes double for women. Not having hairy boobs in your after picture will be part of an amazing transformation!
Consider wearing loose-fitting clothing So you've done all this and you STILL look like you're in pretty good shape. No problem. Drape yourself in a 5XL t-shirt. No way people will know you're in shape under that thing. Only obese people wear shirts that size!!! Maybe add a few food stains for extra effect. And a few couch cushions under your shirt.
Take the picture! You're done with Step 1. Great work! Now it's time for Step 2.
STEP 2 Take an AFTER picture
While your BEFORE picture is uploading to your computer, you can quickly get ready for your AFTER picture, which is where all of your hard work pays off! Here's how:
Shave Shave off that beard and shave off your chest and stomach hair. Ladies, be careful with the breasts. If you cut yourself and scar, everyone will assume you got a boob job. It's bad enough that you apparently have chest hair. Eww.
Get a spray-on tan Getting a real tan would require a few weeks of appointments at the tanning salon. That's insane. This is a 20-minute plan. Just try not to get any in your eyes, nose or mouth because that stuff causes cancer. (Note: no studies have proven that it causes cancer, per se, but we can assume that if there is a God or karma, people who regularly get spray-on tans will get cancer, no?)
Cover yourself in oil Everyone knows that people who are in shape glisten like strippers. I won't explain why because it's so logical I don't have to.
Find some flattering light I'm talking really flattering. Like, if your lighting is not set up by the same guy who does the lighting for Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoots, you're not doing it right. The beams of light should shine down on you and essentially orally pleasure your body. And our eyes.
Give your camera to someone who can take a quick picture because
You have to suck in everything you've got! NOW! Stand up straight. Suck in that stomach. Push out your chest. Lift up your chin. And flex every muscle in your arms and legs. Ohmigod! You're not breathing! You're going to pass out! CLICK. Picture taken.
There you have it! You're done! Just upload your AFTER picture now, print it out with your BEFORE picture and
Look at you! Your body has completed a total transformation! In just 20 minutes! You look amazing.
And it's all thanks to SportsPickle. You're welcome.