According to reports from thousands of eyewitnesses around the country, as well as the boasts of the athletes themselves, every professional athlete in the United States is currently wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt.
"Is it embarrassing that we're all dressed the same?" asked San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman. "You tell me what's embarrassing about looking awesome, brah?"
While it can't be confirmed that absolutely every pro athlete is currently wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt, Christian Audigier, the designer on the line, says that is very likely.
"Of the 14 million Ed Hardy shirts we sold last year, 6.9 million of them were sold to professional athletes in the four major American sports," he said. "In fact, it's probably quite rare that there is a moment when an athlete is NOT wearing Ed Hardy, or drinking Ed Hardy water or Ed Hardy wine. No, I am not shitting you. There is Ed Hardy wine."
Sales figures say another 6.9 million were sold to boy band members, fading rockers and desperate actors, leaving only 200,000 shirts sold to the general public.
"We refer to those 200,000 as 'aspirers' in our sales material," said Ed Hardy brand manager Jeff Cartige. "But internally we call them douchebags."
With the athlete demographic locked down, Ed Hardy is close to finalizing several deals that will expand the line further into sports.
"Team USA approached us about doing all of the national team uniforms for the Olympics and every international competition," said Audigier. "They said having us design the uniforms was the only way to get the pros interested in participating."
Audigier's initial design has "United States" written in script diagonally across the front of the jersey atop a sketched American flag holding the skull of George Washington.
"It's crazy fresh," said Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins. "I can't wait to style for my country."