Yes, Philadelphia Eagles fan Brett Tompkins penetrated a Santa Claus against its will on Sunday in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot. But Tompkins says people need to understand there's a lot more to the story than that.
"Oh, jeez. Here we go again with people bringing that up," said a clearly perturbed Tompkins, talking between sets at a suburban Philadelphia gym this afternoon. "First the cops, now you. It was three goddam days ago, okay? Three goddam days. Get over it. Move on. This is only getting attention because an Eagles fan raped Santa Claus. It probably happened in every other stadium this week."
According to security reports from the other 16 NFL venues in use on Sunday, no other incidents of Santa rape were reported. Nor were even any incidents of Santa-related crime.
"Sure. Whatever," said Tompkins. "Look. The fking guy was asking for it. You don't walk around in the upper deck at The Linc dressed up like that and expect to not get raped. You're asking for it. It would almost be wrong to not rape him. And then when I see Santa out in the parking lot standing by some red pot and asking for money, well clearly he was some kind of prostitute or something. So I decided he should give me a freebie. I made Santa squeal like Tony Homo. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!" he added, his chant joinedenthusiastically by everyone at the gym.
And while Tompkins says his incident with Santa is getting unfair attention from the media, his bench partner, Tony Shett, says there should be no confusion about what went down.
"We get unfairly painted as drunks and thugs," said Shett. "But don't get it wrong, bro. We will fking drink any other fan base under the table and then kick their ass, too. We got a reputation to uphold."