That one thing that happened in sports that was not linked in any way to steroids or performance-enhancing drugs has been named Sports Moment of the Decade by the Associated Press in a unanimous vote.
"While there were many great sports moments and performances in the opening decade of the 21st century," read the AP statement, "from the feats of Lance Armstrong and Tiger Woods to Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez, there was one that was in no way sullied by a link to steroids. And therefore that is the moment the AP has chosen as the greatest sports moment of the 2000s."
With the days still remaining in the decade, the AP now plans to seek out the existence of such a moment.
"We had a few contenders," said AP sports writer Dave Newman. "For example, there was an under-12 girls softball team in Minnesota that won their state championship in 2005 on a dramatic nine-run comeback in their last at-bat. But after asking a few questions we learned three of the girls were on HGH, two of the girls were guys, and the rest were in their twenties."
Barring any new information about an unsullied moment, the AP has one strong Plan-B.
"There's this guy. Greg something," said the AP's Newman. "Lives in California. He went a perfect 19-0 in Madden, on the All-Madden level, without resetting a single game. And this was the year they had that ridiculously hard vision-cone thing for the quarterbacks. Remember that? Ridiculous. Anyway. He's an option. He's a major pothead, but we don't consider that a performance-enhancer."