In a costly blow to his bid to surpass Jack Nicklaus’ record 18 career major tournament victories, golf superstar Tiger Woods will reportedly be forced to cede seven of his career major wins to his soon-to-be ex-wife, Elin Nordgren, in a potentially record-breaking divorce settlement.
“Oh, Christ. She cleaned me out,” said Woods an anonymous friend. “She took everything: the house, the kids, the Bugatti, the 2005 British. Where the hell am I gonna find a 2005 British Open title now?”
In addition to the 2005 British Open crown, Nordgren is now also the winner of the 2000 and 2008 US Opens, the 2000 and 2006 British Opens, and 1997, 2001, and 2005 Masters.
“She took all the good ones,” lamented Woods. “My first Masters. My last Masters. Pebble Beach. The Open I won with the bad knee. The first major I won after Dad died. She took all of them. Now all I have are my stupid PGA Championship titles, and no one cares about those. Heartless.”
It’s a stunning development for Woods, who seemed a lock to secure his 19th major title sometime within the next decade. But, with his total major victories now cut down to a mere seven, many golf analysts say the star faces a very difficult uphill climb.
“Oh, there’s no doubt this is a setback,” said golf analyst Ian Baker-Finch. “But, when you think about it, he should consider himself lucky he still HAS seven of them! She could have taken plenty more, believe you me."
“Damn,” added Baker-Finch, “That is one high price to pay for a little touch o’ the fanny.”
On the flipside of Woods’ struggles, Elin Nordgren now finds herself seventh on the list most majors won all time, tied with greats like Arnold Palmer, Sam Snead, Gene Sarazen, Bobby Jones, Harry Vardon, and her husband.
Where do Nordgren’s victories put her in the pantheon of all time greats?
“She’s definitely up there now,” says Baker-Finch. “And to be the only woman on that list, that is something. I’ll never forget when she won the 1997 Masters and became the first Swedish chick to take home the green jacket. What a moment. Wait, that’s what happened now? Wow.”