In a crippling blow to his considerably large and extremely lucrative portfolio of sponsorship deals, white people today announced that they would drop Tiger Woods as their lead spokesman.
“In light of Tiger’s very public and embarrassing examples of infidelity, we cannot continue our business relationship together,” said white person Blake Rutherford IV. “We wish Tiger the very best of luck in his future endeavors, should they be with black people, Thai people, or one of those other types of people.”
Woods’ relationship with white people goes back over a decade, when he was first brought on to endorse the Caucasian race after winning the Masters in 1997 by a historic margin.
“Their initial endorsement deal was very small,” said advertising analyst Matt Smith. “Woods, at that time, was still something of an unknown quantity. White people aren’t going to bring on any endorser full time who doesn’t fit snugly with their brand image. But then he won that Masters, and did the gay fist-pumping thing, and you knew he had real appeal for the core white demographic.”
But after winning major championship after major championship, Woods soon became white people’s most crucial and effective spokespeople, even more so than Matt Lauer, Jim Nantz, and The Republican Party. He appeared in over 2,000 ads for white people, and attended numerous cocktail parties and fundraiser dinners on their behalf. Smith estimates that Woods’ presence helped revenue for white people grow an astounding 76% over the past ten years.
“You think about all the products white people have sold since Tiger Woods came on board: golf clubs, golf shoes, golf hats, sweater vests, Crest Whitestrips, Buicks… you’re talking an absolute explosion in the sales of white-themed products.”
But Woods extramarital romps caused white people to quickly rethink the relationship.
“I mean, my goodness,” said Lily Harrington of the Montauk Harringtons, a longtime director of white people, “He’s out there with all these… floozies! He’s clearly not the sort of person we thought him to be. It’s all so terribly PUBLIC. It’s not in line with our values as a race.
“It’s so disappointing,” she said, “I expected so much more from a fellow who isn’t really all that black.”