In a shocking new study released by the NFL Players Association, nearly 10-percent of all retired NFL players who have suffered concussions are homosexual.
“It’s a shocking finding,” said Dr. Robert Franklin, who led the study commissioned by late NFLPA head Gene Upshaw. “We began this study trying to figure out how concussions lead to symptoms such as severe headaches, memory loss, and light sensivity. But now we’ve found that many of these concussed players are also gay. You wouldn’t have ever guessed that.”
Until now, there has never any medical link between repeated blows to the head and homosexuality. But Franklin says this report may change that thinking.
“Obviously, none of these players started their careers gay,” says Franklin. “But after prolonged exposure to hard contact, it appears these men have, quite literally, had the gay knocked into them.”
One anonymous former player who participated in the study said he was shocked to learn that he was gay as a result of the study.
“I mean, I always was curious about men and their penises,” said the player, who asked to not be named. “But then I got hit by a Jerome Bettis' kickout block a while back, and BOOM! I’m as gay as the Tony Awards. You know, one day you’re having a nice time with your wife and children, the next minute you’re in a back alley going down on Trevor, whose name you got from a crude etching on the bathroom stall at the truck stop.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has acted swiftly in trying to protect players from concussions, and eventual gayness.
“Absolutely,” said Goodell in a press conference earlier today. “We are going to have a neurologist present on the sidelines of every game. If a player takes a blow to the head, we have a test in place they must pass if they want to re-enter the game. They need to know who they are, where they are, what the date is, and that they aren’t gay.”
But some argue the commissioner’s actions aren’t enough to protect players.
“Bottom line,” wrote one Washington Post columnist, “this is a violent game, and it’s going to turn some players gay unless the commissioner had a more clear cut policy about sitting out games, and not loitering around the Blue Iguana.”