"Breasts have for too long not been given their due in sports," said SI group editor Terry McDonell. "And by breasts, I mean specifically the really nice, shapely ones that you want to rub your face in, of course not droopy, gross ones. But they are important. We wouldn't dedicate one entire edition of our magazine to boobies each year in the swimsuit issue if jugs weren't intrinsic to sport. We're journalists, after all, not people trying to turn an easy buck off of selling softcore porn."
The story devoted to breasts in the upcoming "Sportsthings of the Year" issue details the merits of mammaries.
"Go to any sporting event and you'll see them: knockers. Big ones. Small ones. Bulging ones. Perky ones. It's jubbly city," reads the photo-heavy feature. "On the cheerleaders. On the sideline reporters. On the skanky female fans who want to get their face on TV or get the number of a player. Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs. Boobs! They deserve recognition, just like we deserve to have more than one issue a year that flies off newstands."
McDonell says naming breasts "Sportsthings of the Year" should silence critics who say the magazine's exploits the female body in its annual swimsuit issue.
"This decision was generated strictly by our editorial side, which happens to include two women almost four-percent of our staff, mind you," said McDonell. "We respect women here. Why else would we have hired that big titty girl from Florida State to write for SI.com a few years ago?"