According to sources inside the Notre Dame football program, head coach Charlie Weis has been informed of his dismissal by athletic director Jack Swarbrick and will leave the job as soon as he can fit through the door frame of his office.
"I knew that if I waited until the end of the season, this was a risk because Charlie grows fatter by the day," said Swarbrick. "But I wanted to give him a chance to turn it around. As we know, that did not happen. And when I met with him this morning, he was enjoying an assortment of pastries and I knew it was too late."
Swarbrick has given strict orders to Notre Dame staff members to not bring Weis more food until he slims down enough to exit his office. The university has also looked into other options of extraditing the process, including removing the building's roof to extract Weis by crane, and cutting slabs of flesh off of the coach. But Weis has vowed he will respond with a malpractice suit to any surgical procedure, per his custom.
Notre Dame will begin its search for a replacement while they figure out what to do with Weis.
"Charlie has a lot of weight to lose before he fits through that door," says Swarbrick. "Chances are we have the new guy hired by the time that happens. If so, we'll put him up in temporary offices until Charlie is removed. Plus, the smell will take a while to dissipate. If you can believe it, Charlie's hygiene was actually worse than his coaching ability. Yeah, you can probably believe it, huh?"
Weis says he wants to leave his office as much as Notre Dame wants him to leave.
"I love Notre Dame and want to give them every opportunity to get a fresh start," he said. "Mmmm fresh tart. Must have fresh tart."