"My Fellow Americans, I am completely f*cked", opened the Commander In Chief. "For 13 long and grueling weeks, I have fought long and hard to field a competitive team and justify the $75 buy in. But today, at 1400 hours, that will come to an end. It's time I accept that the fact with the loss of my RB1, and the trading deadline having passed, this is an unwinnable league. The chances of making it through the playoffs are so slim that I can't in good faith commit any more resources or attention to it. My team, Barack To The Top, is finished."
The President acknowledged that mistakes had been made the preparation leading up to the season, including not having a solid, thought-out contingency in the event of one of his RBs going down, but said he did not have much of a choice.
"I stand by my decision to keep (Antonio) Gates on even after the opportunity to trade him presented itself. Yes I should have accepted the trade for Arian Foster following week 3, but I didn't think he would stay the course and hindsight is 20/20."
Obama announced that a skeleton team will remain in place through the end of the season, with General David Patreaus in charge of scouring the waiver wire and reading Mathew Berry.
"I still have some commitments to the league, and I will uphold them," said the president. "But I have to move on, especially considering I have a lot already tied up in my fantasy hockey league."