Chicago at San Francisco (-3)
Oh, you think this Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree-inspired shirt is funny, 49ers fans? Well, it's not, okay? Some people actually have VD and crabs. And you're cruel joke makes them sad. Knock it off.
My pick: San Francisco
1:00 p.m. ET
Buffalo at Tennessee (-7)
The Titans are hot! Unfortunately, they started 0-6. So they're basically like sewage treatment plant that caught fire.
My pick: Buffalo
New Orleans at St. Louis (+13.5)
Some people are warning the Saints against overlooking the Rams. I'd be more worried if they were taking the Rams seriously. That would show a major lack of confidence. Legitimate Super Bowl contenders know they can just show up and kill the Rams.
My pick: New Orleans
Tampa Bay at Miami (-10)
The Buccaneers last three games have been in London, Tampa and Miami. Which one of these is not like the other? Ohhhhhh you were thinking I was saying that Tampa is a dump compared to those other two international destinations. Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way. Good point. But, no, I was just alluding to the fact that they actually won one of the games.
My pick: Miami
Detroit at Minnesota (-16.5)
People want to talk about how the Brett Favre thing has been so hard on Aaron Rodger and the Packers. But what about the Lions? Favre was gone and then he came back. It's like being in your 40s and then having the bully who tormented you back in grade school show up and your door and give you a wedgie.
My pick: Minnesota
Jacksonville at New York Jets (-7)
With the Jets now 4-4, kicker Jay Feely seems to have switched his focus from football to more pressing issues. Yes, this week on his Twitter page, noted intellectual @jayfeely railed against the horrors of the war on Christmas. But I understand why he has already turned his thoughts to the holiday season and this country's hundreds of millions of persecuted celebrants. His head coach pretty much looks like shaved Santa. (I didn't expect that to sound so dirty. Sorry.)
My pick: Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-7)
I'm going to be at this game. So if CBS scans the crowd showing celebrities, look for me. Maybe I'll be sitting near one of them. (Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! That would be soooo cool! Maybe it will be someone super-famous like from NCIS!)
My pick: Pittsburgh
Denver at Washington (+3.5)
Have Josh McDaniels and Kyle Orton been exposed? Does the emperor have no neck-beard?
My pick: Washington
Atlanta at Carolina (+1.5)
In the last two weeks, the Delhomme Virus has infected both Kurt Warner and Drew Brees, who played poorly against the Panthers. This week Matt Ryan comes into Delhomme's infected space. I fear for him. The Delhomme Virus is especially hard on the young.
My pick: Atlanta
4:05 p.m. ET
Kansas City at Oakland (-2)
Poor Matt Cassel and JaMarcus Russell. Now that Jay Cutler is out of the AFC West, they're the worst quarterbacks in the division.
My pick: Oakland
4:15 p.m. ET
Dallas at Green Bay (+3)
The Packers were 6-10 last year. But then they had a 3-1 preseason and seemed to score at ease. So tons of experts picked them to be awesome this year. I mean, not as awesome as the 4-0 Detroit Lions of 2008. But awesome nonetheless. Well done, as always, experts.
My pick: Dallas
Seattle at Arizona (-8.5)
It's time to blow up the Seahawks. They're old and they're bad. My only concern is that in blowing them up, some radiation could be leaked into the atmosphere due to their uniforms.
My pick: Arizona
Philadelphia at San Diego (-1)
Andy Reid vs. Norv Turner. Wow. A chess game. Only Reid will forget to hit the timer between each of his moves and Turner will think he's playing checkers.
My pick: Philadelphia (and to win)
8:20 p.m. ET
New England at Indianapolis (-3)
Can Tom Brady ever beat Peyton Manning again? The Colts really have his number.
My pick: New England (and to win)
Baltimore at Cleveland (+10.5)
I keep seeing reports that Brady Quinn is starting at quarterback this week for the Browns. I'm pretty sure that's wrong. I've watched Browns games. I don't think they have a position that could be described as quarterback.
My pick: Baltimore***
Last week vs. spread: 7-6
Last week just winners: 8-5
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Season vs. spread: 70-57-1
Season just winners: 91-37
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-1
***Lukewarm Locks season: 9-8