The U.S. military invaded and annexed the Republic of Kenya today in a quick and deadly show of force that American officials hope can lead to continued U.S. success in the sport of marathon running.
The early-morning invasion began less than 72 hours after Meb Keflizighi became the first American to win the New York Marathon in 27 years.
"Meb Keflizighi's victory was an exciting moment and a great source of pride for America," said President Barack Obama, addressing the American public. "And we want more of that. By making Kenya the 51st state in the union, we greatly improve our marathoning depth, and also welcome to the United States the homeland of my father. I join all American citizens in saying welcome to Kenya, and that we look forward to seeing you on the medal stand."
A source within the White House said the president made the decision to invade for three reasons to prove his willingness to deploy the military, his love of sports, and as a response to the IOC's refusal to give the 2016 Olympics to his hometown of Chicago.
"Don't want to give us the Olympics? Fine. Your choice," said the high-ranking administration official. "Then we're going to take all the best athletes in sports in which we're deficient. Head ups, Canada. We want to win hockey gold in Vancouver."
One reporter overheard Obama speaking on the phone to United Nations head Ban Ki-Moon about the attack after his televised address.
"You know I always favor diplomacy," said Obama. "But sports are different. Ask anyone who has ever played basketball against me. Try to screw with me on the court? Don't call a foul? I will fk you, Ban Ki-Moon. I will fk you."
While U.S. forces secured Kenya and its capital of Nairobi within hours, the goal of the mission may not have been met.
U.S. Navy Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, says many of the best Kenyan marathoners got away.
"They started running and even our quick-strike vehicles and airplanes couldn't keep up," he said. "They're all over the border by now."