"I love Justin Bieber most of all," said the 5-time Pro Bowl quarterback. "But my Bieber was getting long and I was, like, 'Ohmigod! If I let it keep growing I could look like iCarly!,' which is only my favorite actress on all of TV. So I did it! And I love it."
Brady passed for 153 yards and a touchdown in New England's win over the Dolphins, which is all head coach Bill Belichick says he cares about.
"I've grown embarrassed of having him on the team," said Belichick. "And he should be embarrassed for himself the way he looks. He's a laughingstock. That said, as long as he doesn't start losing a bunch of games for us, I'll put up with whatever humiliating hairdos he chooses as he works through this mid-life-crisis or multiple 13 year-old personalities disorder thing he's got going."
Brady, wearing an auburn blouse, capri pants and strappy heels to the post-game press conference, disputed reports that his wife, the model Gisele Bundchen, has final say over his appearance.
"No. That is totally not true," he said. "I mean, I just turned 33 years-old. I am old enough to make my own decisions now. I'm, like, practically 40. If she can't understand that, well, then it's just her problem."
The quarterback then left the press conference and exited the stadium, climbing into Bundchen's minivan, which had been circling for half an hour.
Brady is expected to miss New England's next game due to being grounded.