I am a baseball player. But if there is one thing the game has taught me, it's not a lesson about competition or sportsmanship or being a man or anything like that.
It's that you might have to fight an old person at a moment's notice.
Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS did I go to the park that day expecting to fight Don Zimmer? Not really. But then one thing led to another and I had to throw that 72-year-old man to the ground.
Live and learn.
Now I'm ready to kick an old person's ass at any moment. And you can be, too.
5 Tips for Fighting the Eldery by Pedro Martinez
1. Speak softly and carry a big stick Literally. Old people are, like, almost deaf. If you talk too loud they'll hear you coming. But just in case you're about to jump the rare old person who has good ears, you'll want to keep some distance so they don't hear you. Hence, the big stick. A baseball bat works nicely. Stand about three feet away and swing with all your might. The fight is ON!
2. Use your superior strength You may think you can just beat up old people easily. Not true from my experience. The only distinct advantage you have is your superior strength. Old people are crazy weak. Yet they have lived so long they have picked up all kinds of tricks.
I once fought a guy at a nursing home when I was on the Mets. He was in a wheelchair. Only had partial use of one arm because of a stroke. But I let him get too close to my body and he knocked me out by pinching the side of my neck with his pinkie and thumb. Really. I was out cold. Apparently he learned it in Korea or something. That taught me a lesson. You can't screw around. So when I came to, I hit him over the head with a metal folding chair that was put out for his visitors.
3. Target your blows Yes, it's fun to punch old people in the face. Their glasses break. Dentures go flying. Toupees. Wigs. Hearing aids. It's awesome. But fighting old people is only partly about fun. You want to win, too. So make sure you punch their bones. These people are pretty much made of dust. For example, a nice shot to the hip will shatter it instantly. Goodbye center of gravity, pops. And bonus points for the crunching sound your punches create. It always makes me feel like I'm in a movie or video game.
4. Stay alert You never know when one of their kids or grandkids or a nursing home staffer could pop in. Then you're outnumbered. Trust me, you don't want little Johnny to walk in and see you wailing away on his PopPop. Enraged 10-year-olds are better fighters than you might think.
5. Pull the plug Every great fighter has a great finishing move.