University of Florida star offensive linemen Maurice Pouncey successfully passed an NCAA-mandated test for illegal substances yesterday.The test, which required Pouncey to urinate into a specimen cup with an NCAA official present, required the All-American to prepare for a grand total of nearly 20 hours, far surpassing the seven minutes he spent preparing for an exam he took three days ago in History of Magic 103.
“Oh man, that test is BRUTAL,” said Pouncey when it was all over.“You would not believe all the crap they make you account for.Even taking a Sudafed can result in a positive.I had to look up all the banned substances, then consult thirty-seven different medical journals to figure out what most of these things are, then double check to make sure it isn’t in any of my Myoplex bars.Now, you tell me, how is memorizing the chemical properties of hydratetrachloramine gonna help me out in the real damn world?
“And they only gave me five minutes to finish!” he added.“I can’t perform under that kind of stress.”
Pouncey also admit he had to spend six hours procuring contraband urine online as a precautionary measure.“You never know if something is gonna spring up on that test you weren’t aware of.They’re evil like that.”
But NCAA officials defended their use of strict drug testing.
“Sure, it’s a difficult test to pass,” said committee representative Tunch Malamar.“But that’s because we want our students to LEARN.If we made it so everyone passed the test, then how would we know if anyone learned anything?”
Pouncey says he also had to spend over 3 hours in a study group for the drug test, gathering with fellow teammates in the University library to discuss ways of possibly postponing the test, or proffering a written parental excuse.
“I also had to call my brother to hide in the stall while the NCAA stayed outside, so I could have him piss in my cup if I needed to.My boy hid in that stall for over an hour.Can you believe the crap they put us through for this?”
When asked about the history exam he also took, Pouncey said, “Oh, that?That was easy.Magic for Jocks, dude.Magic for Jocks.”