1. Jets fans I bet you people are going to be getting another call at home from Rex Ryan soon! Exciting. Only he will be asking you to buy tickets. And it will be because he has been reassigned from head coach to junior ticket sales associate.
2. Vince Young He didn't get in the game until the last play of the third quarter when the Titans were down 59-0 even though he's the former No. 3 overall pick and 10 years younger than starter Kerry Collins. He clearly doesn't have his coach's confidence. And that's a badge of honor. I mean, have you watched Tennessee at all this year? Their coach has to be a total moron. He obviously has no eye for football talent.
3. Eli Manning He didn't want to get blown out in his return to his childhood home of New Orleans. But in going 14-for-31 with 178 yards and an interception in a 21-point loss, I'm sure Manning reminded a lot people of his father out there on the Superdome field. And people love reliving the old days, even if they were horrific.
4. Derek Anderson Last week you threw for only 23 yards and won by three. This week you had two different passes completed for 23 yards or longer! Impressive! Unfortunately, you lost by 13. However, you were able to cement your place in the game as the only quarterback deft enough toreallysuck and still win from time to time. Kerry Collins tried to challenge you this week and went 2-for-12 for minus-7 yards and an interception but lost by 59 points. Yes, 59 points. Minus-7 yards. Pathetic. He is not the artist you are. Your medium? A football field. Your paint? Feces.
5. Tom Brady Sure, winning 59-0 is nice. And throwing 6 TDs is nice. And setting an NFL record by throwing 5 TDs in one quarter is nice. But now Tom Brady gets to travel to London for a game against the Buccaneers. And you know what that means, don't you? SHOOOOOOOOPPING!
1. Sherman Lewis He is being handed the play-calling duties in Washington, D.C. You could say that's like being given control of the Titanic while it's sinking. Only that comparison isn't harsh enough. It's more like like umm being given control of the play-calling duties for the Washington Redskins. (That was the absolute worst thing I could think of. Sorry. Sort of redundant in this case.)
2. Oakland Raiders They beat the Eagles? Huh. And they're 2-4 now, not good but not out of the wildcard chase either. This team may have some expectations put on it now. And expectations cause stress. And stress causes punching.
3. Anyone who follows Bill Romanowski on Twitter during games Here is a sampling of actual Tweets from @billromanowski yesterday: "They need to pound in it." "Go Raiders!" "Howard and Morrison blitz and get a sack." "FG by Raiders. 13-6." "I like how they are running with Fargas." "Raiders kick the football for 3 pts." Boring, sporadic, insight-free play-by-play about a team that's on television but no one wants to watch. How does he only have 1,517 followers??? Are people turned off by the history of pill-popping and allegations of racism? Lighten up! He's actually amazingly boring!
4. The dong of Mike Sims-Walker Two weeks ago the Jaguars receiver had a career game with 7 catches for 91 yards and 2 TDs and Jacksonville won. Then last week he was forced to sit out because he was out with a woman and missed curfew and Jacksonville lost 41-0. Then this week he was back again and had 120 receiving yards in another Jaguars win. The pattern is clear: if Sims-Walker wants to get some, his football career is doomed. This poor guy might have to become the first football monk.
5. Mark Sanchez Five interceptions against the Bills. Three losses in a row. And it's obvious he struggles to throw a football outside of the Southern California climate. This guy is going under and he's going under fast. Fortunately, there is one person who can save him!